Requiem for a Memory
by Tinkerbell3902
Summary: COMPLETE. Four years after divorcing Lulu, a car accident causes Johnny to lose his memory. But when he returns to Port Charles, she keeps their past a secret. Despite their best efforts, they may rediscover why they fell in love in the first place. JoLu
1. Prologue

**A/N:** Alright! Here's my newest project! So, after much agonizing and polling, this story overwhelmingly won the little contest that I did… and just as a warning, if you thought that my last 3 pieces were angsty, you have no idea what you're in for in this story… oh and as a little side note, I've already made a trailer for this story so check that out on my profile. So, enough with my chatter and on with the story! Happy reading and don't forget to review!!

_This is the way you left me  
I'm not pretending…  
No hope, no love, no glory  
No happy ending…  
This is the way that we love,  
Like it's forever…  
Then live the rest of our life,  
But not together…_

"Happy Ending" – Mika

**Prologue – No Happy Ending**

It was raining that afternoon.

Pouring.

She ripped off her black beret as she entered the train station, her eyes red and her cheeks stained with tears that seemed to never stop flowing. Her khaki trench coat was almost completely soaked and she was sure that she was going to ruin her shoes. Clutching her black purse in one hand and her oversized rolling suitcase in the other, she made her way across the lobby.

Her father would be ashamed of her. Spencers were fighters. Spencers were resilient. Spencers never let something like this to keep them down. Lulu buried her face in her hands and shook her head.

_But even Spencers had limits and this… this was simply just too much._

"Excuse me, miss? Can I help you?"

Lulu quickly wiped her eyes and looked up at the man that stood before her. He smiled warmly at her and from the uniform that he was wearing, she guessed that he worked for the train company.

"Um, yes… can—can you please tell me where this boarding platform is?" she asked, holding out her ticket.

The man directed her to the nearby platform and she thanked him. She weaved between the crowds of people looking up their connecting trains. The sooner that she got out of this stupid city the better… she couldn't wait to go back home to her friends and family. Carly had already offered to let her stay in her guest room while she looked for a new job and an apartment. Tracy had offered her a position at ELQ and of course her Aunt Bobbie needed someone to help her run Kelly's after the passing of Mike Corbin last winter but Lulu hadn't made any decisions yet. She just knew that she needed to get the hell out of Manhattan. She finally reached her train and handed her ticket to the attendant. She pulled her suitcase on board with her and once on board the train, she collapsed into a nearby seat, exhaling deeply. Soon this would all be over. She would be leaving this city with all of its pain, suffering and horrible memories of the life that she dreamed of that quickly disintegrated into a nightmare.

* * *

This had been the worst day of his life.

The absolute worst.

Johnny Zacchara had returned to his brownstone after an entire week of being away to find his wife gone. Her clothes, her shoes, her jewelry, her photo albums… everything. Things had been so horrible between the two of them for months and he never thought that he would come back to the brownstone where they began building their life together so long ago but he found himself standing on the stoop of their brownstone, key in hand.

He had tried running away from everything but it was no use.

He could never get away from her. She was a part of him. She was his soul… his heart… his entire life. It wasn't going to be easy to get back what they had but he couldn't even think about a life without her. He spent twenty minutes running through their spacious brownstone, calling her name, hoping that he wasn't too late to make things right between the two of them. All he found were the divorce papers that he had given her, with her hasty signature on them.

Thirty minutes later, he stepped out of a cab and ran into the lobby of Grand Central Station. He almost slipped on the marble floor because of the rain. The only trains that went from Manhattan through Port Charles were out of Grand Central and he knew that she was headed to Port Charles. His eyes searched the lobby for the train schedule. His dark brown hair was dripping with rainwater and his black peacoat was drenched. There was no time to grab an umbrella when his marriage was at stake. His heart began to pound as he searched the departure times, desperate to find one for Port Charles. Every single second, she was going to slip further and further away from him. His eyes found the train that he hoped his wife would be on and he quickly took off towards the platform.

His feet couldn't carry him fast enough to the train. He hoped that he wasn't too late. They had been through so much together and this was just a rough patch. They could get through this. They loved each other and that's all that they needed to get through this. She would forgive him. He would make her see that even when the unthinkable happens, they could pull through. Johnny breathed a sigh of relief as he approached the platform but the attendant stopped him.

"Excuse me, sir. I'm afraid that they've stopped boarding for this train… you'll have to catch the next one at four-forty." The attendant said, blocking the pathway to the entrance of the train.

"You—you don't understand… my wife is on that train." Johnny panted, pointing to the train. "I need to speak to her… it's important…"

"I'm very sorry, sir, but we're not allowed to let any more passengers in the train because it's due to leave in five minutes." The attendant said, putting up his hand in front of Johnny.

"Please! I need to speak to my wife! For the love of god… you have to let me through!" he cried, his voice rising as he let his emotions take control of his voice.

"I can't let you do that…" the attendant said flatly.

Johnny put his hands on top of his head and started to pace. This couldn't be happening. He tilted his head upward to prevent his tears from rolling down his face. What else could he do? There had to be something to get his wife's attention. He began walking away from the attendant, hoping that he would ignore Johnny's proximity, but he quickly turned around and began screaming her name.

"Sir, please! Lower your voice!" the attendant shouted but Johnny didn't listen.

"Lulu! Lulu, please! Lulu!!!" he wailed.

He felt the tears fall from his eyes as he continued sob. The more he screamed, the more desperate his voice became. He didn't care how everyone around him stopped what they were doing and looked at him. She was his entire life. That night that he found her hitchhiking on the side of the road, everything in his life had changed. She became his reason for waking up every single morning for the past four years. She had become his air, the thing that kept him alive. He couldn't lose her, not like this.

* * *

Lulu shut her eyes and covered her ears, trying to block out the screams coming from outside of the train. It took every ounce of willpower to not to look out the window onto the platform. She would've known that voice from anywhere… yelling, whispering, crying, laughing, screaming… her husband's voice would surely haunt her for the rest of her life.

"What's the commotion?" Lulu heard another passenger ask as she pressed her nose to the glass window of the train.

Lulu sunk down in her chair, bringing her knees in. Everyone seemed to be interested in the man outside and his emotional display… everyone except for Lulu. She couldn't bring herself to look. He was the one who had left. He was the one who walked out of their marriage and he couldn't just snap his fingers and expect her just to run into his arms and all would be forgiven.

"No…" Lulu whispered.

For too long she had taken a backseat in her marriage and she wasn't going to go along with it for any longer. It didn't matter how much she loved him or how much they had gone through over the past four years together, she had to get away from him and everything that reminded her why their marriage had failed. Signing those divorce papers proved to be the hardest thing she had ever done, admitting that her marriage was over. She dried her eyes and looked down at the elegant Harry Winston that sat on her finger. All of the promises, all of the plans that they made, all of the dreams that they had for their future…

Gone.

Unable to bear the weight of what could have been, she ripped the ring off her finger and threw it in her bag. Looking at the diamond made her want to start crying all over again and she had wasted too many tears over that man, tears of happiness when he finally got down on one knee and gave her the ring and tears of despair when he told her that he was leaving.

_No more tears for Johnny Zacchara…_

The engine roared to life and Lulu felt the train rumble beneath her. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as the train began its slow movement out of the station. It would all be over soon.

* * *

Smoke billowed from the engine and Johnny's heart began to race. The train began to make its exit out of the station and Johnny tried his hardest to catch up. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. After everything that they had been through together, he was going to lose her.

"Lulu!" he screamed.

His feet picked up the pace as the train did. He gently moved people aside, trying to meet the train. He was probably going to get arrested but none of that mattered to him. His life was at stake. Without Lulu Spencer, he was nothing. He didn't exist without her. He didn't truly live until he picked her up that night and they sped off into the night out of Port Charles. It seemed like a lifetime ago, so much had changed. He had changed and she did too but she was still perfect in every single way. Maybe she didn't have much use for hotwiring cars and maybe he didn't drive dangerously any more but they were still those two kids that fell in love all those years ago.

As the train picked up speed, he could see his life with her flash before his eyes. The moment that their eyes met when she climbed into his car when they first met, the way she blushed when he came close to her, seeing her in that dress at the Black and White Ball and knowing that instant that he was going to marry her one day, the electric spark that he had never felt before with any other woman when her lips grazed his for the first time, holding her close and noticing how their heartbeats were perfectly in-sync, watching her sleep after they made love for the very first time, hearing her say 'I love you' for the first time, being rendered helpless as she walked down the aisle to him on their wedding day…

"Lulu… please… come back… come back to me…" he panted, as he ran.

He looked up and saw her looking out the window, directly at him. Her hand was pressed against the glass and there were tears running down her face. It broke his heart to see her cry but he couldn't get past how beautiful she looked when she cried. She was wearing her favorite black beret that she always wore when she traveled and the necklace that he had given her on their anniversary last year was draped around her neck. As if she heard him calling for her, she shook her head slowly and he felt his own warm tears spill from his eyes.

_He was too late._

The train quickly slipped away from him and shot down the tracks with lightening speed, the image of her shrinking into the distance. His feet stopped running and he fell to his knees. His entire body shook with his sobs as he watched the train, carrying his wife, merge with the horizon.

"Lulu!" he screamed in anguish.

He felt like a thousand sledgehammers were pounding on his chest, smashing his heart into a million pieces. This pain, he thought he would never feel again but he was experiencing it all over again and he didn't think he had the strength to recover this time. He doubled over, clutching his sides, and continued crying. He didn't care if hundreds of people were staring at him, wondering why a grown man was on the floor crying his eyes out. He had just watched the love of his life leave him. He had no use for his pride anymore.

_Because she was gone..._


	2. Time

**A/N: **Alright! Requiem is back!! Yay! Thank you guys for being so patient and awesome with me and my technical difficulties… you guys are the best! So, I'm pretty sure that after this chapter, you're going to have a LOT of questions but I purposely made things really vague… so I urge patience again :) I promise not to leave you guys high and dry… there's always a method to my madness :) Alright, enough chatter and on with the story… as always, happy reading and don't forget to leave a review!!

_And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase…_

"My Immortal" – Evanescence

**Chapter 1 – Time**

Johnny woke up in a cold sweat. His heart was pounding and his was completely out of breath.

_Another nightmare._

He put his hand on his chest and took a few long breaths, thankful that he hadn't woken up screaming like he had last weekend. He had been having the same dream for weeks now and as hard as he tried to shake them, they just wouldn't go away. He managed to calm himself down and he looked over at the sleeping brunette beside him. At least he hadn't woken Brook up.

He quickly slipped out of bed and walked to the window, running his long fingers through his dark brown hair. He knew why he was having nightmares. He knew why he couldn't stop thinking of the worst day of his life. Tomorrow would mark the four year anniversary of the darkest day of his life.

"Johnny?"

He quickly turned towards the sound of his fiancée's voice. She was sitting up on the bed with the sheets gathered up to her chest and her weary eyes were filled with worry. Most men would've died for a chance to be with Brook Lynn Ashton. She was the music industry's golden child with her numerous multi-platinum CDs and she was the new face of Federico Cabrero, the hottest fashion designer of the moment. Her hair was mostly brown with some blond streaks that went along with her hard edge image. Naturally the tabloids had a field day when she was photographed with the enormous Tiffany's engagement ring at the Grammys last February and Johnny was told every single day that he was "very lucky" to have her. He managed to slap a smile on his face as he walked back over towards the bed. He reached out and curled a lock of her hair around her ear and she put her hand on his.

"Another nightmare?" she asked.

"Don't worry about it…" he muttered, sitting on the edge of the bed, and Brook let out an exasperated sigh.

"Don't do this to me, Johnny… don't shut down on me…" she said.

"I don't want you to worry about me, Brook…" he said.

"Johnny… I want to help you…" she said, putting her hand on his cheek.

"You can help me by dropping this…" he said, holding her hand.

"Johnny… I know what tomorrow is… it's been four years since Au—" she started but he shook his head.

"I don't want to talk about it…" he said quickly, cutting her off.

He couldn't allow himself to go there. He didn't want to remember. He didn't want to remember how it felt to have his heart ripped from his chest. He had spent the last four years trying to numb the pain of such an insurmountable loss and he never wanted to reopen that wound ever again.

"Johnny, I love you… I love you more than I can possibly say… and I know that as hard as you try not to show it, you're in pain." Brook said.

"I'm fine… I promise…" he said, attempting to silence her with a kiss but she knew better.

"Alright, I'll drop it… for now… but if you have another nightmare…" Brook started.

"I won't… now go back to sleep…" he said, kissing her hand sweetly.

She sighed, knowing how stubborn Johnny was, and nodded. She snuggled back underneath the covers and Johnny watched her as she closed her eyes. Why was this happening now? It had been four years and he still was an emotional wreck. He pressed his fingertips to his temple and exhaled deeply. And the fact that he couldn't talk about it was killing Brook. He looked back over to her, fast asleep once again, and sighed heavily. Sometimes he didn't know what he was doing, like he was living a life that wasn't his, and he knew that she sensed that but she loved him anyway.

He had a habit of making women fall in love with him despite his blatant personality flaws.

And he loved Brook too… as much as he could. His life had turned into complete chaos and it had taken him this long to find some sense of normalcy and Brook was a huge part of that. She was his chance of reclaiming something inside of him that broke so long ago.

_She was supposed to fix him._

But the wound was so deep and profound that not even the allure of the love of a beautiful woman could pull him out of this hole that he was in. Maybe that was his punishment. Maybe this was all just karma coming back to him, poetic justice for all of the unforgivable things that he had done. Brook muttered something in her sleep and Johnny looked back down at her and smiled sadly. She wanted him to open himself up to her so badly but he couldn't… not about this.

He had hurt enough women to last a lifetime and he didn't want to dump his deepest and darkest secrets and regrets onto her lap… especially these which hit so close to home for both of them.

He stood up and walked over to the window. The wind gently rolled over the curtains and Johnny shivered, thinking back to his dream. It had been so vivid. The screams were just as earsplitting as they were four years ago and the agony that ripped through his heart was just as real as if it had just happened. No, he hadn't woken up from his nightmare… _he was still living it._

* * *

Lulu Spencer walked to the curb of the arrivals terminal at the small Port Charles airport, bag in hand, waiting for Carly to come and pick her up. She had spent the last year in France living with her mother, helping her with her recovery. Carly was the one who suggested the move in the first place and it helped. The first year and a half back in Port Charles after the divorce was hard. This was the place where she and Johnny had fallen in love. Every spot in town held a memory. The overlook, the Quartermaine boathouse, Kelly's, Jake's…

The first time she walked onto the Haunted Star after the divorce, she cried for thirty minutes straight and Luke had to call Carly to come and calm her down.

_He broke her._

_Johnny Zacchara broke her._

Everyone said that things would get better in time but they didn't. She felt like she was drowning… drowning in her own failures and then there she was… back at the beginning. Tracy first thought that she was being overly melodramatic but soon saw how quickly Lulu's state deteriorated and she quickly suggested committing her to Shadybrook again for depression but both Luke and Carly were vocally against that. Nikolas, who was living in Europe with Claudia, his new wife, suggested that Lulu take an extended vacation to France to visit Laura.

That visit ended up lasting a year.

The trip worked out to be exactly what Lulu needed. With her mother, Lulu was able to excise many of her inner demons that she had been hiding since the divorce and she felt stronger than she had ever been in her entire life.

"It's time for you to go home and reclaim your life…" Lulu remembered her mother saying.

Lulu shivered as a gust of wind brushed past her as she waited for the familiar green Volvo sedan that belonged to Carly to pull up to the curb. As if on cue, said Volvo turned the corner and pulled up next to Lulu. Inside were Morgan, Carly and a fully awake Michael. Carly was still ecstatic about Michael's recovery from his gunshot wound despite the fact that it had happened over nine months ago.

"Come here, you!" Carly said, immediately outstretching her arms to embrace her little cousin.

Lulu smiled and went to her cousin's arms. She missed Carly so much while she was in France. There were just some things that she couldn't tell her mother but she could tell Carly and Carly would completely understand.

"Where's Jax?" Lulu asked.

"Caught up in a conference call with some Dutch investment banking firm… he sends his regards though…" Carly said.

"Tell him I said thanks… so are you going to help me with this bag?" Lulu asked, smiling, and Carly immediately smiled too. Lulu hadn't smiled a lot when she returned to Port Charles four years ago.

"I missed you so much…" Carly said.

"I missed you too… but can we get out of here? The food on the plane was absolutely disgusting and I'm craving some French fries from Kelly's…" Lulu said and Carly laughed.

"It's so good to see you like this, Lulu… you know, back to your old self…" Carly said.

"Yeah… I feel a lot better… I'm just glad that I didn't have to go back to Shadybrook… once is enough…" Lulu said and Carly chuckled.

"Oh I definitely know the feeling… Roselawn wasn't a picnic either…" Carly said, taking Lulu's bag by the handle.

"God, Lulu… how much stuff did you buy in France to pack this bag so heavily?" Carly asked as she struggled to put her overstuffed suitcase in the trunk of the car.

"I was only supposed to stay a month… I had to buy some stuff…" Lulu said sheepishly.

Lulu and Carly managed to stuff the suitcase into the trunk of the car and Lulu climbed into the front seat of the car. As Carly drove, Lulu managed to catch up on everything that Michael and Morgan had been up to in the past year. Morgan was starting middle school now and was up to a red belt in his karate class. Michael was almost eighteen and was looking at colleges. Of course Carly wanted him to go to PCU, to stay close to home but Jax was adamant on getting Michael into the best college that money could buy. Michael was leaning towards Wesleyan because it had a good drama department and it was close enough so that Carly could take a two hour train to visit but far enough away for it to be a college experience but Jax was pushing the Ivy League and was already planning on inviting some of the board members from Yale and Princeton to the next charity event at the MetroCourt. Soon enough, Carly pulled up to the familiar house that she shared with her husband and Michael and Morgan quickly jumped out of the car.

"It's so good to have you home…" Carly said, walking with Lulu into the house.

"It's good to be back home… I really missed being here… being away from you and Aunt Bobbie… I even missed Tracy…" Lulu joked.

"What really made you come home?" Carly asked, sitting on her coffee colored couch, and Lulu sat beside her and sighed.

"It was time… and—and I feel closer to her when I'm here…" Lulu said, looking down at her hands.

Carly put her hand on top of her cousin's and smiled.

"Well, I'm glad you're here… and I think that Bobbie will be too… she's still hoping that you'll take over Kelly's for her…" Carly said.

"Yeah… I think I will take her up on her offer to run Kelly's… I'm ready to start over… but can I ask you a favor?" Lulu asked.

"Sure… what is it?" Carly asked.

"Can you come with me to visit her? I—I don't think I can do it alone yet…" Lulu asked.

Lulu almost didn't notice that she had started crying again and Carly immediately grasped her hand and nodded. Carly then took her in her arms and held her. Laura had told Lulu that coming back was not going to be easy but she had to be strong. She was strong. After everything that had happened, she was still standing and that had to count for something.

"You didn't even have to ask, Lulu…" Carly whispered.

"Thank you…" Lulu said.

* * *

Johnny couldn't stand to be alone in that penthouse. It felt cold and impersonal… like a hotel… nothing like his old brownstone where there was warmth and felt like his own safe haven when the outside world had gone crazy. Brook had left that morning for Barcelona to promote Federico Cabrero's new flagship store there and would be back in a few days. He had hated being alone. It was probably the reason why he quickly attached himself to her after the divorce even though it was the last thing that he wanted to do. He quickly grabbed his keys and punched the elevator button to go downstairs to the garage.

_He needed to get away from this._

His nightmares crept into his daytime thoughts now. Maybe Brook was right and it was just residual guilt. He sighed heavily and leaned against the elevator wall. He needed to do something before he completely lost his grip on reality. The elevator doors opened to the garage and he immediately went to his black BMW. His mind was in a fog as he made his way out of Manhattan. He knew where he was heading but he couldn't understand why he felt that it was necessary to head into Port Charles. There was nothing for him there, just reminders of how his life had gone so horribly wrong. The roads were winding, narrow and slick from the pouring rain.

_Why did this have to happen? He had done some horrible things in his life but was this appropriate punishment? Why did they have to take her away from them?_

Burning tears sprang to his eyes. Surely he was meant to suffer for the rest of his life and he knew that he would. There was no coming back from this. He wiped his eyes and tried to contain himself but when he opened his eyes again, he saw that he was staring a large truck. He quickly veered to the right but the rain had gotten rid of all the traction between the road and his tires and he began to skid and the blaring horn from the truck slowly faded into the darkness.


	3. Signs

**A/N:** I'm so glad that you guys are enjoying this story! I read and love every single review that I receive for all of my stories and I'm so so so SO excited that you guys really like this piece. This chapter is massive… lots of the questions that you have been asking are answered in this chapter but this is just the beginning of this little journey that I've concocted. We've barely scratched the surface, my dear reader :) Alright, happy reading and as always, leave a review! I love hearing your thoughts!

_At your funeral, I was so upset  
So upset… so upset  
In your life you were larger than this  
Statue-statuesque…_

_I see signs now all the time  
That you're not dead, you're sleeping  
I believe in anything  
That brings you back home to me…_

"Signs" – Bloc Party

**Chapter 2 – Signs**

There was a bright light and for a minute, he thought that he was dead. A bright white light usually meant that he was dead. The physical pain alone made him want to roll over and die and he just wanted everything to melt away. He wanted to completely detach from his body. His eyes opened slowly, painfully adjusting to the blinding lights of the room. The room was relatively silent with the exception of a steady beeping that coincided with his own heartbeat.

Where was he?

Or a better question: _who_ was he?

He couldn't remember anything… not his name, his age, or even the brunette that was sitting beside him. Her hands were clasped around his and her cheek gently rested on top of his hand, which was wet from her tears. He slowly flexed his fingers and she quickly sat up. He blinked slowly, trying to take everything in. This woman sitting in front of him was stunning… sleek long brown hair with blond streaks, full lips, light eyes and a sweet face. The only thing that was off about her was the fact that her cheeks were stained with running mascara and her eyes were red from crying and probably exhaustion.

"Oh, Johnny! Thank god! You're awake!" she cried as she flung himself onto his chest.

So, apparently his name was Johnny. He had his name but nothing else. What was he supposed to say? He didn't remember a single thing about what happened or who he was or who this woman was to him.

"Where am I?" he finally managed to whisper.

"You're in the hospital… you were in a horrible car accident… do you remember?" she asked, putting her delicate hand on his cheek but Johnny shook his head.

"What do you remember?" she asked.

"I—I don't—I don't remember anything…" he said and the woman's bottom lip trembled.

"You—you don't remember anything? Do you remember me?" she asked.

"I'm sorry… I don't…" he said and she closed her eyes, letting one tear slide down her cheek.

She quickly brushed it away and Johnny caught a glimpse of the ring on her finger and he immediately felt horrible. They were obviously serious if he had given her a huge ring like that.

"I'm—I'm going to find the doctor…" she said, standing up.

She quickly made her way to the door, trying to hide the fact that she had started crying again from him. He sighed heavily and sat back on his bed, trying to make himself remember. He didn't like being without a past. It was an unsettling sensation, knowing nothing about his life or where he was. Did he have a family? What about his parents? Did he have any siblings? What about children?

And for some reason, that last thought shook him to his core.

* * *

"You can do this…"

Carly was holding onto Lulu hand as they sat in her car and Lulu took a deep breath. Listening to Carly's words, Lulu nodded quickly and squeezed her cousin's hand tighter. Lulu inhaled sharply and closed her eyes. Baby steps, she told herself… and Carly was here. She could do this.

"Are you ready?" Carly asked.

"Yes…" Lulu exhaled.

The sky was dark and gray. It had been raining hard for the past few days and most of the roads headed in and out of Port Charles were deemed to be unsafe. The news had been cluttered with stories about car accidents along the main road in and out of Port Charles. However, the rain had stopped sometime last night and Carly suggested to Lulu that they would go today. Lulu's heart pounded as she and Carly walked through the little black gate into the yard. So many emotions were going through Lulu's mind. Déjà vu was trying to take over, trying to dredge up bad memories, but Lulu just shut her eyes and held Carly's hand tighter.

"Are you ok? We don't have to do this today…" Carly said, putting a hand on Lulu's shoulder but Lulu shook her head.

"No… I have to do this… I _need_ to do this…" Lulu said firmly.

Carly nodded and they continued their walk through the yard. The grounds were expansive and well kept. The grass was springy beneath her boots and the air was fresh and calm like it always was after a big storm. The wind ran through the leaves of the tall willow trees, making a calming rustling sound. It was so peaceful, contrary to the painful circumstances that brought Lulu here. Carly stopped walking and that jolted Lulu out of her daydreams.

They had reached their destination.

Lulu looked down at her feet and felt her chest tighten. She slowly knelt down on the wet grass and Carly sat beside her, never letting go of her hand. With her free hand, Lulu removed a few stray leaves that had fallen onto the marble plaque before her. Her breath quickened and her eyes began to water.

"Lulu… it's ok to cry…" Carly whispered as she gently stroked the back of her head.

Lulu looked up at Carly and nodded. She knew that this was going be difficult. Her mother had always told her to confront and face her problems instead of running away from them. She sat there, staring at the plaque in front of her, feeling a million different emotions per second.

"Lulu? Are you alright?" Carly asked, taking notice of her cousin's blank expression.

Lulu didn't respond. She knew that Carly meant well and probably didn't know what else to say at that moment but inside she was screaming. She wasn't alright and she would never be. She was never going to move past this. Everyone had told her that no one ever gets over something like this and it was ok for her to still mourn but Lulu just felt that she should be at peace with what happened after all this time and she wasn't.

It was cruel and unfair.

Withdrawing her hand from Carly, Lulu quickly removed her gloves and let her bare fingertips graze over the engraving on the plaque.

_Aura Celia Zacchara_

This was so wrong. This wasn't how things were supposed to be. Her heart clenched as the memories that she had and the memories that she would never have began to flood back. Lulu's limbs began to shake violently and Carly immediately flung her arms around her cousin as she broke down into hysterics. Carly cradled Lulu's head to her chest as Lulu grasped Carly's jacket, her sobs raking through her entire body. Carly just sat there, rocking Lulu back and forth, repeating over and over again that everything was going to be ok.

"It's not fair! It's just not fair, Carly! Why? Why did it have to be my daughter?" Lulu wailed.

"I know… I know… shhhh… it's ok… I've got you…" Carly said, holding her tightly.

"My daughter… my baby…" Lulu sobbed.

Carly squeezed Lulu even tighter. Her heart was breaking for her cousin but what else could she say? What could you say to a person who has had to bury their own child? Carly let a few of her own tears fall down her face as she stroked Lulu's golden hair softly. Carly, of course, was there when both Johnny and Lulu buried their daughter and seeing how it destroyed them both, went straight home and held Morgan tightly, thankful that she was able to hold her son in her arms every day and watch him grow up. Lulu would never get that chance.

"It's ok… it's ok to miss her, Lulu…" Carly said, her voice cracking as well.

* * *

"Mr. Zacchara, all of the tests are conclusive… you have retrograde amnesia as a result of your head injuries from the car accident."

Johnny just looked at the doctor as if he had grown an extra head. He didn't know what the hell 'Retrograde Amnesia' meant.

"It's the reason why you can't remember anything prior to your accident… but it's uncertain when or if you'll get your memory back…" the doctor said.

"You mean I might be stuck like this? Not remembering anything?" Johnny asked, clearly outraged.

"I'm sorry that I don't have better answers for you… if you'll excuse me, I have to finish making my rounds but I'll be back to check on you… do you need anything for the pain?" the doctor asked but Johnny shook his head.

Well, at least he knew that he didn't like hospitals. Brook, who had told him her name before she went to fetch the doctor, sat by his bedside and stared straight at him. He wondered if she saw any resemblance to the man that she loved in him now by the way that he was acting. Maybe that could ease his mind a little.

"Brook, can I ask you a favor?" he asked.

"You can ask me anything, Johnny…" she said, taking his hand.

He felt a little bit uncomfortable with her closeness and he flinched a little bit when her hands met his. She quickly withdrew her hands and looked down at the floor.

"I'm sorry… too soon, right?" she muttered.

"No, it's ok… I just—I just need some time to get used to everything." He said.

"So… what's this favor?" she asked quietly.

"Well… I'm assuming that since we—we were planning on getting married before my accident, you can probably fill in the gaps about my life…" Johnny said.

"Of course… what do you want to know?" Brook said, a smile returning to her lips.

"Well, what about my family? Do I have family?" he asked.

"Your mother passed away when you were eight… and your relationship with your father and your sister is… what did you say? Oh, right… 'Complicated'… When I was making the guest list for our wedding, I wanted to invite them but you said no, citing that it was too complicated to explain… but I think that you said that your sister was living in Greece with her new husband or something and you don't talk a lot about your father or where he is…" she said.

So, he was pretty much on his own, Johnny gathered. He had a sister that he didn't speak to living in Europe and a father whose whereabouts were unknown. He wasn't sure if he wanted to hear much more. His life sounded pretty depressing prior to his accident.

"Anybody else? Cousins? Aunts or Uncles?" he asked.

"You mentioned something about an Uncle Rudy once or twice but I didn't press it… you don't talk much about your family…" Brook said quietly.

"Well what about kids?" he asked.

Brook's eyes immediately snapped up to his and he saw her blanch. That question seemed to hit a nerve. Was that sadness in her eyes or fear? He couldn't quite tell. He didn't know if that was an insensitive question to ask since he couldn't remember anything prior to six hours ago but for some reason, in the back of his mind, he knew he had to ask.

"K—Kids?" she stammered.

"I know that we're relatively young and everything but… it's not entirely out of the question to ask if I—oh, I mean, if we have any kids… I don't know… I just… I'm grasping at straws here. I have no idea what's going on and I just want to get my life back…" he said.

"No… we—we don't have any kids, John… you—you said that you didn't want any kids… but I was hoping that you'd change your mind after we got married…" Brook said, looking down at her hands.

"Do you know why?" he asked quickly and Brook sighed.

"You didn't like to talk about it…" she said.

"I wasn't much of a talker before the accident, was I?" he chuckled and she managed to smile a little bit.

"You were complex and mysterious… that's what drew me to you in the first place… you've had enough horrible experiences to last a lifetime and you understandably didn't like to dwell on it…" she said.

Johnny sighed and shook his head. He was a real piece of work. He was so royally screwed up that he shut himself off emotionally from his fiancée in order to not burden her with his tragic little story. It was clear to him that he didn't open himself up to her before the accident and that she was starved for that deep emotional connection. It was understandable when you love someone that profoundly but when he looked into Brook's eyes, there was a sense of desperation in her quest to be his emotional safe haven, like almost if her life had depended on it.

"Tell me about how we met…" he said, quickly changing the subject, and she smiled.

"My Uncle Dillon's wedding… he's a famous director and he married some B-list actress from one of his movies… I don't really have much use for her… she tries way too hard to be my friend, thinking that it'll get her into the tabloids so she can have some sense of relevance but anyway… that's not the point… I was at the wedding by myself… I had just found out that my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me and I was in a really horrible place and so were you and we just sat there and talked for hours during the reception…" Brook said.

"And the rest is history?" he asked, smiling.

"It was love at first sight… well, at least for me… we—we were complicated at first…" she said softly.

Complicated. That was a word that seemed to come up a lot between the two of them. He was complicated, they were complicated… when could life just be simple? Why couldn't two people just fall in love normally and have their happily ever after with the house, white picket fence and the golden retriever?

"Did we set a date?" he asked, observing the five carat diamond ring on her finger, and he saw her face fall again.

"Many dates, actually… there was always something pushing it back… tours, business trips, family emergencies, auditions… it's hard to plan a wedding between two business people…" she said.

"Let me guess… it's complicated?" Johnny chuckled and she smiled sadly.

"Exactly…" she said.

* * *

Lulu stared straight at the basket of French fries in front of her. The exit from the cemetery and the ride back into town had passed by in a blur.

A horrible tear filled blur.

"Lulu, come on… you have to eat something… you said that you were craving these fries when you got back into town…" Carly said, pushing the basket of fries towards her.

Lulu sighed heavily and picked up a piece and nibbled on it slowly. She hadn't meant to completely lose it at her daughter's grave. Of course, it was much more restrained than the last time she had been there when she sat in the rain for three hours at the cemetery and there had been a massive manhunt for her in the entire town. Tracy and Luke were the ones who found her, soaking wet and curled up on the grass with her head on top of the marble plaque.

After being released from the hospital for hypothermia, Lulu immediately went to France to spend time with her mother.

"I'm sorry…" Lulu muttered.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Lulu…" Carly said, reaching across the table to take her hand.

"I didn't mean to be so hysterical…" Lulu sighed.

"It's ok… no one expecting you to be ok with this…" Carly said, dipping a French fry into some ketchup, and Lulu nodded.

"My mom said that it was going to take some time… but I just… I just figured that after putting some distance between myself and this place, I could come back and—" Lulu started but Carly shook her head.

"There's no one step cure… it—it took me awhile to accept Michael's condition… and I never got past it either… I just had to think about what Michael would've wanted for me and how he would've wanted me to live my life and not have my grief take over everything…" Carly said.

"And now you have him back…" Lulu muttered.

"Oh, Lulu… I didn't—I didn't mean to be insensitive… with talking about Michael… I'm sorry…" Carly apologized.

"No… you know what… you're right… I have to just think about what Aura would want for me… and she wouldn't want me to be like this…" Lulu said, taking another French fry.

"Exactly…" Carly said, stirring her cup of hot chocolate, and Lulu sighed.

"It's just… it's just that sometimes it seems unreal that four years ago, Johnny and I buried our daughter… Aura's supposed to be starting kindergarten, taking ballet lessons and playing soccer… just doing normal things that a four year old should be doing…" Lulu began.

"No parent should have to go through what you and Johnny went through…" Carly said softly.

"I just feel like sometimes I'm living in this nightmare, you know? And I'm just waiting to wake up and she's just going to be there in her room…" Lulu said before taking a sip of her Diet Coke.

Lulu set down her glass and picked up another French fry. She looked past Carly and saw a young mother with a little girl who couldn't have been more than six years old. The mother was taking off her daughter's pastel pink raincoat and matching pink knit cap. The little girl had brown curls and was staring adoringly up at her mother. A warmness flooded Lulu's chest and she smiled slowly.

"What is it?" Carly asked as she turned around to look at the mother-daughter pair that Lulu was staring at.

"There were so many things I wanted to do with Aura…" Lulu said.

"Like what?" Carly asked.

Lulu's eyes met Carly's and she smiled. Taking a handful of French fries, Lulu proceeded to tell Carly all of the plans and dreams that she had for her daughter… dreams of school plays, Christmases, piano recitals, birthdays, high school and college graduations…

* * *

Brook slipped out of Johnny's hospital room after he had been given some pain medication for his other injuries from the accident. The nurse suggested that he should get some sleep and Johnny told Brook to do the same. Coat in hand and flanked by her manager and bodyguard, Brook headed out towards the back of the hospital, wanting to avoid the paparazzi that had staked out the hospital after getting wind of Johnny's accident when she ran into Johnny's doctor.

"Oh! Doctor Embers… I'm glad I ran into you… I have a quick question…" Brook said.

"Sure, Ms. Ashton…" Dr. Embers said, looking up from his clipboard.

"Is there anything that you would suggest in order to jog Johnny's memory? Maybe bring some photographs or have his sister fly into see him?" she asked.

"The brain is a complex muscle… there's no one way to bring someone's memory back… but familiar surroundings can help… maybe a visit to his hometown…" Dr. Embers suggested and Brook felt the color drain from her face as he suggested taking Johnny back to Port Charles.

"I—I don't think that would be a good idea… Johnny had a rough childhood and I don't think that going back to his hometown will bring up any good memories…" Brook stammered.

"Like I said, the brain is a complex muscle… you don't know what will be the stimulus that will be the catalyst for his memory to return… it's ultimately up to you and John but if I were you, I wouldn't discount it… if you'll excuse me… I'm due for an emergency consult…" Dr. Embers said before taking his leave.

Brook's heart was beating furiously against her chest. Of course she wanted Johnny to get his memory back. She wanted the man that she loved to be whole again but going back to Port Charles, with all of its demons and ghosts was not her ideal way of going about it. Johnny only went into Port Charles once a year… and it was always for the same reason.

It was another thing that Johnny didn't like to talk about.

But Brook knew the entire story. She quickly made it down the hallway, not listening to anything that her manager was saying about rescheduling press conferences, appearances at Federico's stores and the pushed back date of her next album. She pressed her fingertips to her temple and willed herself not to cry. It was the reason why he was in that car, speeding along that slick highway. It was the reason why he swore to her that he was never going to have another child.

He was still haunted by the daughter that he had lost four years ago.

There were a thousand reasons why she shouldn't take him to Port Charles. Some were more selfish than selfless than others but inside, something was screaming at her not to. She had been fighting the ghosts of Johnny's past for the past four years, trying to maneuver the labyrinth that he called his heart, and possibility of coming face to face with them was alarming. She clutched her cell phone in her hand while her mind went back and forth, debating what she should do. There were things that Brook didn't want Johnny to remember.

_And the number one thing that she hoped that he would never remember was living there…_


	4. Keep Holding On

**A/N:** Whew, I feel like I'm running a marathon with writing this story :) but I'm just on a roll and I can't seem to stop! So, I'm going to address some of the questions that I've been getting on the reviews… Firstly, I also used to like Brook on GH and I can assure you that she's not the "villain" in this story… but she's definitely not a saint… that's all I can say without telling you what happens and I'd hate to spoil the story… secondly, don't worry… you guys will find out what exactly happened to Aura soon enough… have I ever left you guys hanging? And the last point is that everything that has happened in the JoLu story up until now still holds... meaning Logan is still dead, they went on the run, Lulu went to Shadybrook, and so on and so forth. I know I used a shot in the trailer with Logan in it but Logan is in fact dead in this story. Alright, I think that clears up most of the questions that I got in the reviews… Onwards with the next chapter!

_Holding back the years  
Chance for me to escape from all I've known  
Holding back the tears  
'Cause nothing here has grown  
I've wasted all my tears  
Wasted all those years  
And nothing had the chance to be good  
Nothing ever could  
I'll keep holding on… _

"Holding Back the Years" – Simply Red

**Chapter 3 – Keep Holding On**

Johnny hated this house.

It was dark, gothic and depressing. The walls were blood red and all of the furniture was crafted from dark Mahogany. It was a good thing he couldn't remember this house or growing up here when he was little. When Brook had told him that he had a rough childhood, at first he was skeptical but taking a look at the house, evil seemed to ooze out of the walls and he immediately believed her.

The house was in his possession and had been deserted for almost two years. He finally was able to track down his father's whereabouts… a clinic for the criminally insane and that immediately made him scrap the idea of visiting his father and he was still debating whether or not he should contact his sister or not. Brook had said that they hadn't spoken in over five years and he decided that he would table the idea of calling her until he felt that it was necessary.

Brook had been reluctant to bring Johnny to his childhood home here in Crimson Pointe and he was starting to understand why but he couldn't help but to get stir crazy after being confined to the mansion for almost three weeks after he was released from the hospital.

"Johnny? Do you want anything from the kitchen?" Brook asked, poking her head into the study.

Johnny, who was sprawled out on the couch near the window, looked up at her and shook his head. The entire purpose of this visit to Crimson Pointe and Port Charles was to get his memory back but for some reason, Brook seemed to be wary of letting him go into town, citing that she was worried about his other injuries. He knew that she meant well but he was going to lose his mind if he didn't get out of this stupid house.

He slowly eased himself off the couch, wincing in pain as he stood up. He could hear Brook on the phone in the kitchen, arguing with either her mother or her manager about taking so much time off to take care of Johnny. He tiptoed towards the oversized antique front door and opened it slowly so that it wouldn't creak. The cool evening air hit his face and for the first time since he woke up in that hospital bed, he felt alive. He made his way down onto the main road, taking slow steps so that he wouldn't aggravate any of his other injuries, and began walking. Dusk was settling and clouds were rolling in. Another storm was heading this way and Johnny immediately regretted not taking the car, even though he wasn't supposed to be driving. At least he should've brought an umbrella. Almost out of nowhere, Johnny found himself atop of a steep hill, staring down into the cluster of lights down below him. He could see ships in the harbor in the distance and a few high rises nearby. A warm sense of familiarity washed over him as he looked over the small city and he smiled.

_That must be Port Charles._

* * *

"Well, well, well… look at who's back in town…"

Lulu rolled her eyes as Coleman leaned across the bar and smirked at her. Jake's hadn't changed since she last saw it and neither had Coleman.

"Yeah… I'm back from France…" Lulu said, setting down her leather jacket on her chair.

"How **is** your beautiful mother doing?" Coleman asked, who was already preparing a drink for Lulu, and she laughed.

"You'll never change…" Lulu said shaking her head.

"And that's why everyone loves me…" he said, sliding over a martini to her, and she laughed again before taking a sip of her extremely strong cocktail.

"My mother is fine… thank you very much for asking… I'm sure that she'll be delighted to hear that you asked about her…" she said sarcastically.

She stood up and walked over to the pool table, dragging her fingertips along the felt like fabric. She sighed and closed her eyes. She had been holding everything inside for so long. If her feelings were bottled up and locked away, they couldn't touch her but that wasn't a way to live. She had built too many walls around her after Aura died and her divorce from Johnny. She never wanted to hurt like that ever again.

Lulu picked up a pool stick and racked up the billiard balls. She wondered if she could still do that trick shot that her father had taught her when she was ten. She hadn't been in a pool hall in over six years and she had wanted to put a billiards table in the brownstone in Manhattan and convert the basement into a game room but other things came up in their life and it never came to pass. She leaned over the table, eyes focused on the cue ball for a good break, and struck quickly. The balls dispersed all over the table and a number of them slipped into the pockets. Lulu smiled and told herself that she would have to challenge Carly to a game of pool soon.

"Oh my—"

Lulu's brow folded into a questioning glance. Nothing ever fazed Coleman and to hear him be genuinely surprised by something was… surprising. She looked up and her heart stopped. She never understood the expression of one's blood running cold up until that moment….

_Because standing no more than ten feet in front of her was Johnny Zacchara._

* * *

This had to be an out of body experience.

Because there was no other way to describe how he was feeling.

Johnny had managed to make it into town before the rain started and came across a small dive bar on the fringes of Port Charles. The neon sign above read "Jake's" and for the first time in a while, something seemed familiar. Acting on the familiarity, he walked straight in. The place was almost empty probably because of the incoming storm and the lights were low and hazy.

"What can I get for you?"

Johnny turned towards the direction of the voice and when their eyes met, the man standing behind the bar's jaw dropped. At least Johnny was right to suspect that he had been there before. The bartender had clearly recognized him.

"Oh my—" he whispered.

Johnny was about to say something when he heard a loud noise. He looked over and there she was. He didn't know who she was but some part of his unconscious that was buried deep within him sent his heart racing. The entire world seemed to fade away as he looked at her.

_So beautiful…_

Her hair was blonde and fell past her shoulders in loose golden waves. She was slender but with subtle curves in all of the right places. Her stance was statuesque, almost warrior like, leaving him to believe that she had a fiery personality. Contrastingly, her features were very soft… almost angelic and he was absolutely mesmerized by her. The noise that turned his attention to her was from her pool stick that she had dropped and that was now sitting at her feet.

_He must've known her. _

There was no way that he could have this strong of a reaction if they hadn't known each other and it was clear that she knew him too, like she had seen a ghost. He swallowed hard and took a step towards her and she responded by turning around and running out the back door.

"Wait!" he called, darting after her.

It had already started to rain when he pushed the back door open. It was raining hard and he called out to her again as she ran into the storm but she finally relented and stopped to turn around to face him slowly. Her blond hair was now wet and so was the red sweater that she was wearing. He couldn't tell if the wetness underneath her eyes was from the rain or if she had started crying.

"Please… don't leave…" he said, reaching out for her arm.

It was almost instinctual for him to reach out and touch her. She looked up at him, her bottom lip shaking and her eyes brimming with tears, and Johnny felt like he wanted to die for seeing her like this. It made him sick to think about what he could have possibly done to make her react like this and he didn't know why. She quickly ripped her arm away from him and took a few steps back.

"You don't get to tell me what to do, Johnny…" she finally said.

"Can we at least get out of this rain? There's something that I need to explain…" he said, trying to bring her back inside.

"I don't need to hear anything that comes out of your mouth!" she screeched.

"Please… just give me two minutes…" he begged.

"Why? After everything that's happened between the two of us, why should I give you anything?" she yelled.

"Because I was in a car accident… I have amnesia… I—I don't remember anything about my life before a month ago…" he said and immediately he saw her eyes flicker through a million different emotions until one won out.

Anger.

He didn't even see her hand flinch. He just felt the sting when she slapped him clear across the face. He staggered backwards and placed a hand where his cheek stung. He looked back up at her and knew that he probably deserved that slap for something that he had done a long time ago.

"That's low… even for you, Johnny…" she hissed.

"I'm not lying… why would I lie about this?" Johnny cried.

"Because it's what you do! You lie like it's the easiest thing in the world!" she shot back.

Her tone shook him. He must've done a number on this girl. A part of him didn't want to remember how he hurt her but apparently, it was bad.

"I was on my way here… to Port Charles when the accident happened…" he began.

"Why?" she asked.

"I don't remember! Maybe I was coming here to see you or maybe not… I honestly don't know…" Johnny said, slightly annoyed by the fact that she still didn't believe him.

"There's only one reason why you would come into town and it's not because of me… god knows you made that abundantly clear four years ago…" she said.

"What?" he asked. It was like she was speaking a different language.

"I don't buy for a second that this amnesia is real…" she growled.

"Look, I don't know what I did to deserve this and maybe this is what I deserve for whatever I did to you but I can honestly say that the person that you're so angry with is **not** me… I'm not that person… I—I don't even know who that person is or what he was like before this accident…" Johnny said.

She looked at him, scrutinizing his features to tell if he was lying, and she folded her arms across her chest.

"Say I believe you… and you have lost your memory… why me? I'm sure that you have people that would bend over backwards to help you…" she said.

"I know… but I just have this feeling that Brook isn't being as forthcoming as—" he began and her eyes immediately went livid.

"Wait… Brook? You're _still_ with Brook?" she asked, disgust in her voice.

Johnny pressed his fingertips to his temple and sighed heavily. Little by little he was beginning to regret this quest he was on to find out who he was because whenever he found out something new, it wasn't good.

* * *

This had to be some really crazy dream.

Or Johnny was the most manipulative bastard that she had ever had the displeasure of being married to.

He had done some horrible things before… to her and to others but she never thought that he could or would stoop this low.

Amnesia?

Did he think that she was stupid? What was he trying to pull? She hadn't heard from him in four years since that day that she left Manhattan. He didn't even try to fight for her after she returned back to Port Charles. He didn't follow her and beg her to take him back… he didn't call every day to apologize and ask for another chance…

He just vanished.

Just more proof that he never gave a damn about her or their life together. She often wondered if he even went to visit Aura's grave but knowing Johnny, she knew that he probably couldn't be bothered with visiting his only daughter's grave when he had a jet-setting pop star girlfriend. Even after all of this time, the thought of Brook draped all over Johnny still made her stomach turn.

So why now? Out of all of the times he could've waltzed back into her life, he had to choose now… when she was trying so desperately to move past all of it. Fate was a cruel and merciless thing.

"Everybody knows about you and Brook… she's famous after all…" Lulu said, quickly covering up her slip about Brook.

"I just—I really need you to help me…" he said.

She looked into his soft brown eyes and a little piece of her heart, that one tiny speck that still cared about him, fluttered. Internally, she cursed his beautiful and soulful eyes. They had made her do some stupid things in her life…

Like fall in love with him.

She sighed heavily and nodded. Johnny always had the ability to talk her into anything. They walked back underneath the shelter of the roof of Jake's, both soaking wet.

"I'm sorry for slapping you…" she muttered sheepishly.

"That's alright… maybe you can fill me in on us and I can understand why you did it…" he said, smiling at her.

She bit her bottom lip and looked away from him. She could tell him the truth but she didn't want to hear it again. She had already lived through it and saying it out loud was probably going to make her emotional and that was the last thing she wanted… and it wouldn't be fair to burden him with the weight of their history. She had worked so hard to move on and she didn't want to look back.

"There's—there's not much to tell… we were friends and we sort of dated for a few months but—but nothing came of it…" she said, fidgeting with her hands.

"Why did we break up?" he asked and she laughed bitterly.

"It's complicated…" she said.

"Why do I always hear that?" he muttered.

"Because you're a very complicated man, Johnny Zacchara…" she said.

"Please? Can't you just tell me?" he begged.

She lifted her head to look at him. He looked different somehow. He still had his impeccable chiseled features, cropped dark brown hair, dazzling smile, strong arms… but he wasn't like the man that she divorced: the man whose eyes were black, cold, and lifeless. Now, there was a fleck of light that was in his eyes. The one that she used to see when he looked at her and when he looked at their daughter. She quickly looked away and swallowed hard. For the first time in god knows how long, she was finally seeing the boy that she had fallen in love with so long ago.

"What is it?" he asked, noticing her emotional state.

"It's—it's just weird… you know? Seeing you after all this time… it brings back a lot of memories…" she whispered.

"Some good ones, I hope…" he said and she smiled slightly.

"We had plenty of those…" she said, looking back at him.

"So why did it end?" he asked and she felt her face fall.

"You—you weren't in love with me…" she said sadly.

It was partially true. He didn't love her enough to stay and work it out. He didn't love her enough to not hurt her over and over again until she finally threw out all of her optimism and her thoughts that she and Johnny were meant for each other and left Manhattan.

"I can't imagine why not…" he said softly.

Her head snapped up towards him at his words. Her heart was doing cartwheels in her chest. He didn't even remember her and it was almost like he knew that they had once been each other's entire worlds. She quickly shook her head, trying to eliminate all sentimental feelings that she was feeling for him.

"It's—it's nothing really… it happened a long time ago…" she said, shaking her head.

Johnny started to say something when a sharp crack of thunder boomed throughout the sky. She flinched and he chuckled slightly.

"You don't do thunder, do you?" he joked, flashing that smile that she hated to admit that she loved.

"No, not really… this storm is getting worse… did you drive here?" she asked.

"No… I walked…" he laughed.

"All the way from Crimson Pointe?" she asked.

"Yeah… well, it looks like I'm going to be stuck here until the storm lets up…" Johnny said, leaning back against the wall, watching the rain fall.

She should've left him there. She should have agreed and walked to her car and went back home. She probably would never see him again and that should have been enough for her to walk away. Maybe he would never remember her as his wife… maybe just as the stranger from Jake's. But the thought of that… of Johnny not remembering her or even their own daughter made her heart ache and she did something that she knew was going to only end badly.

"No… you can come home with me and wait out the storm…" she exhaled.

"I don't want to impose…" he began but she shook her head.

"It's the least I can do for being so horrible to you earlier… and maybe I can help you with some of the gaps in your memory…" she said.

"Thanks… I feel bad now… I don't even know your name…" he said.

"My—my name?" she stammered.

"Yeah… what's your name?" he asked.

"L—Laura Webber… my name is Laura Webber…" Lulu lied and he smiled.

"Nice to meet you, Laura…" he said.

* * *

Brook paced back and forth in the living room, frantically dialing Johnny's cell phone for what seemed like the fiftieth time. All of the calls went straight to voice mail and Brook was already past the worrying stage. The storm was growing more tempestuous with every passing moment and thinking about Johnny right in the middle of it, still recovering from a head injury, made her blood run cold.

Of course she blamed herself for Johnny's disappearance. It was hard to be around him when he kept questioning her about his past. Not because it was a horrible past to recount but because there was so much that Johnny had never told her. He kept everything inside, never allowing Brook in. It was just another painful reminder that she was never going to have that kind of relationship with Johnny. She knew that he thought that she was keeping secrets from him but she honestly couldn't tell him much because she was in the same boat as he was. She just didn't know.

Suddenly, her phone rang and she answered it on the first ring.

"Hello? Johnny? Is that you?" she asked. There was a ton of static on the other end. Port Charles didn't get the best cell reception.

"Yeah, it's me…" Johnny said and Brook let out a sigh of relief.

"Oh, thank god, Johnny! You had me so worried…" she said, tears slipping from her eyes.

"Listen… I ran into an old friend in Port Charles and she invited me to wait out the storm at her place… I'll be back at Crimson Pointe first thing in the morning…" he said.

"She?" Brook asked.

"What? I—I can't hear you… I think you're breaking up…" he said.

"What's her name?" she asked.

"What did you say?" he asked. The line was about to cut out.

"Who are you staying with?" she asked, raising her voice so that he could hear.

"Oh, who am I staying with? Her name is Laura Webber… ok, we're about to pull into her garage… I'll talk to you later…" he said.

"Laura Webber?" she asked but the line had already cut out.

Brook removed her phone from her ear and stared at it. Something didn't add up here. From her understanding, Laura Webber was still living in France, and probably hadn't been in Port Charles since Aura's funeral. Brook was also pretty sure that Laura wasn't Johnny's friend after the divorce from Lulu and everything that went along with it.

_Something was definitely wrong with this picture._


	5. These Memories Never Sleep

**A/N:** Ok, I'm super excited for this chapter because this chapter has the first flashback! Hooray! You're finally going to get a little taste of what really happened between JoLu when they were married and for future reference, flashbacks will always be _italicized_. Another thing I just want to point out to avoid any confusion: when I'm writing from Johnny's POV, Lulu will be referred to as Laura (until he finds out the truth obviously) because that's what she told him her name was but when it goes back to Lulu's perspective, her name will be Lulu. I think that clears up anything that might be confusing. Thank you guys for your awesome reviews… they really do make my day :) Alright, happy reading and don't forget to leave a review! I love hearing what you guys think!

_Another winter comes  
His icy fingers creep  
Into these bones of mine  
These memories never sleep…_

_And all these differences  
A cloak I borrow  
We kept our distances  
Why should it follow?_

_I must have loved you…_

"Ghost Story" - Sting

**Chapter 4 – These Memories Never Sleep**

Laura's car came to a stop in front of a small but very nice house. It was like one of those Victorian style houses with a wraparound porch with two oversized wicker rocking chairs. She said that she was living there because her grandmother had passed away about three years ago and had left the house in Laura's mother's name but her mother was living abroad and was letting Laura stay in the house. The house seemed familiar to Johnny somehow, like he had been there before. The rain hadn't let up an inch since they left Jake's and Johnny used his jacket to cover his head as he followed her to the door. Inside, the house looked like what a house should be. Warm and inviting, with picture frames and books everywhere.

"So, can I get you anything? Water? Tea?" she asked.

"No, I'm fine… thank you…" he said as he hung up his coat.

"Alright… well, I don't think that this storm is going to get any better tonight so it looks like you're stuck here for the night…" she said, taking off her coat.

He couldn't help but to smile. Being stuck in a storm with one of the most beautiful women he'd ever seen was not a bad situation.

"So, I guess that I'm on the couch?" he said, walking down the steps into the cozy living area.

"Oh, you don't have to… there's an extra bedroom upstairs… so unless if you want to sleep on the really old creaky couch…" she laughed and he shook his head

"The extra bedroom sounds good…" he said.

He followed her up the narrow staircase and into a small bedroom. It was a simple bedroom with powder blue walls and a regular sized bed and a standard armoire. Laura said that her brother stayed here while he was separated from his wife before they moved to Seattle. Apparently he left some of his old clothes and she gave Johnny a pair of sweats to change into to sleep in.

"Laura," he said as she walked towards the door.

She turned around to look at him and he couldn't find the words to thank her. Seeing her was like being able to see clearly after years of obscurity. She was a warm and glowing light in the darkness.

"Goodnight, Johnny…" she said softly.

"Goodnight…" he said as she closed the door behind her.

He undressed quickly, hanging his damp clothes over the footboard of the bed to dry, and slipped into the sweats that Laura had given him. The rain echoed throughout the room and he made his way over to the only window, staring out into the night. He didn't want the rain to stop because he wouldn't have an excuse to stay there. Something inside of him wanted to stay with Laura forever. He couldn't explain why he felt that way. It was something deep inside of his soul… that fragment that was still a part of his old self. Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming down the hall and he tiptoed back to the door, peeking through the small slit and there she was. Her golden hair was up in a ponytail and she was also in pajamas, holding an oversized mug with tea in one hand and a book in the other. He felt the corners of his mouth turn up into a small smile as he watched her. Why was he so entranced by this woman? Why couldn't he tear his eyes away from her?

He was supposed to be happy with Brook.

They were supposed to be getting married and starting their life together.

But looking at her did nothing for him. It didn't matter how beautiful Brook was or how much she clearly adored him. That spark wasn't there. He didn't feel an overwhelming desire to be with her or to find out more about their past. But with Laura, he wanted to know everything down to the last words that they spoke to each other. It was maddening but wonderful at the same time. He finally felt like he wasn't wandering aimlessly in the darkness anymore. He finally had some sort of lead on getting his life back.

* * *

Sleep eluded him for a while that night. The wind thrashed the tree near his window, keeping him up for hours until he was so exhausted that he fell asleep despite the noise.

That's when it happened.

It was a weird sensation… like he had stepped outside of himself and was watching this scene with him in it take place. He couldn't see clearly, like he was looking through a piece of opaque glass.

_The room is familiar to him somehow. He's definitely been here before. The walls are beige and the hardwood floors beneath his feet are a dark caramel brown. The sleek black leather couch next to him looks expensive and the large flatscreen television looks even more expensive. They're obviously very wealthy to be able to afford such a nice place to live. Suddenly, he hears someone coming down the stairs in the next room, followed by a lighter set of footsteps, and they're yelling at each other._

"_Johnny, please don't do this!"_

_It's a woman's voice but it's not Brook's voice. It's higher than his current fiancée's voice and it's clearly distraught. She's crying and Johnny wants to do something to stop it. It's the most heart wrenching sound that he's ever heard and he knows that something is wrong._

"_I can't do this anymore…"_

_Johnny swallowed hard. That was his voice. He almost doesn't recognize it because of the low and cruel tone that is present in his voice._

"_I love you… I always have and I always will… we can get through this! You—you just can't give up on us!"_

_Her declaration is laced with sobs and the footsteps grow louder and the two figures emerge from the other room. Her hair is light and curly… not sleek and brown like Brook's. She reaches for his arm but he quickly tears it from her and she whimpers in response to the gesture. He can't see her face clearly but he knows that if he could, he would see tears streaming down her cheeks. In his hand is a suitcase and she tries to pull him back towards her by his jacket but he shrugs her off. This is too much for Johnny to watch._

"_I can't be with you anymore… I don't—I don't feel the same way about you anymore…"_

_Liar__. That's what Johnny wanted to say. He wanted to scream it. He was lying to her. He didn't know how he knew it but he felt it deep inside that he was lying to this woman when he said that he didn't feel the same way about her._

"_You love me! I know that you do! Please, don't shut me out!"_

_They've now moved to the front door. His hand is on the doorknob and she's crying even harder now. She's begging him not to leave. Johnny wanted to scream. This was absolutely ridiculous. He loved her more than his own life but he was walking away._

"_I—I don't—I don't love you anymore…"_

_His voice is barely above a whisper and Johnny knows that he's trying hard not to show his emotions. He's trying so hard to push her away and he know that to say that he didn't love her would be the only thing cruel enough to drive her away for good. _

"_You don't mean that… how could you? After everything that we've been through… you can't—you can't mean that, Johnny…"_

"_I do… it's—it's over…"_

_The door slams shut behind him and the woman is now on the floor, sobbing and screaming his name._

_Her voice pierces his eardrums and he can't help but to yell. The sound feels like a knife in his stomach, knowing that he completely destroyed this woman. The scene around him dissolves and he's plunged back into the darkness._

* * *

The chamomile tea that Lulu made for herself put her to sleep quickly. She knew that she was going to have trouble sleeping with the storm outside and with Johnny across the hall from her. Her mind was racing at a million miles per minute. She knew that she had to lie to Johnny about who she was. She had worked so hard to get her life back together and the last thing she needed was Johnny wrecking emotional havoc on her.

His screams woke her up.

She immediately threw back her covers and rushed across the hall. His eyes were shut and he was flailing around on the bed, yelling in pain like someone had set him on fire.

"Johnny! Johnny! Calm down!" she yelled, trying to restrain his arms.

He was considerably stronger than she was but when she put her hands on his face, he seemed to calm down and his eyes opened quickly. His eyes were wide with fear and his chest was heaving from his labored breathing.

"Oh my god, are—are you ok?" she asked, smoothing over his cheeks with her fingertips.

He closed his eyes and nodded. His heart was pounding against his chest and he was shaking all over. What the hell had happened to him? She'd never seen him like this in all of the years that she had known him. She ran her fingers through his hair and he sighed at her touch. His strong hands wrapped around her slim fingertips and brought them to his face.

"What happened?" she asked.

"I—I think—I remembered something…" he panted and Lulu's heart sped up.

"What? What did you remember?" she asked him.

"I—I couldn't see her face… but there was a lot of yelling…" he said.

"Was it Brook?" she asked and he shook his head.

"No… it wasn't her… it definitely wasn't Brook…" he said.

"What were you arguing about?" she asked and he sighed heavily, almost like he was ashamed to tell her.

"I was leaving her… and she was crying… begging me to stay…" he whispered.

Lulu closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip. She knew exactly what he was talking about. She remembered that day like it was yesterday. He had come home to their brownstone and told her point-blank that their marriage was over and that he was leaving her. This was what she was afraid of. She didn't want him to remember because she didn't want to remember. She didn't want to remember how badly he had hurt her and how she felt like there was nothing left for her in the world without Aura and Johnny.

"Are you ok?" he asked, sitting up to face her.

"Yeah, I'm fine… it's just—I had a relationship that ended like that…" she said, wiping her eye.

"I'm sorry…" he said softly.

"Don't be… it happened a long time ago…" she said, shaking her head.

"It's just weird…" he muttered.

"What is?" she asked.

"When I was remembering… for some reason… I—I kind of knew what I was thinking at the time…" he said.

"And?" she asked.

"I don't know how I know but I just knew that I was lying to her when I told her that I didn't love her…" he said, looking up at her.

That was almost enough to do Lulu in but she kept her resolve. She had to stay strong. It was the only way that she would be able to get through this. She sighed heavily and stood up. Suddenly, she felt his hand take hers.

"Stay with me… please…" he pleaded.

His eyes were wide and she didn't have the heart to deny him. She could tell that he was still pretty shaken up about his dream and she slowly crawled into bed with him. He put his head on her shoulder and Lulu just stroked his hair until he fell back asleep.

* * *

Johnny woke up alone the next morning. The rain had stopped and his clothes were now sitting on the armchair near the door, folded and completely dry. He couldn't get his flashback out of his head. Who was this woman? She must have been important to him for him to have had such a strong reaction. Also the fact that the woman was clearly not Brook made him wonder.

If he and Brook were the fairytale couple that she had made them out to be, why wasn't the first memory he had about her?

His questions plagued him as he dressed and he made up the bed and remembered Laura holding him last night after he had his flashback. He felt so safe with her, like he had been running from something for all of his life and he finally found some peace in her arms. He made his way downstairs and heard her cooking in the kitchen.

"Johnny, is that you?" he heard her call out.

"Yeah…" he said.

"Ok, breakfast won't be ready for another ten or fifteen minutes…" she said.

"Oh… ok, thank you…" he said.

"I'm warning you… you don't remember my cooking so proceed with caution…" she laughed.

He chuckled and began to wander the room. There were boxes everywhere in the room, like she had just moved into the house. Most of the boxes were filled with old clothes and books. He walked over to the fireplace, noticing a box that was unlabeled. Curious, he opened the box and it was filled with baby things: blankets, mobiles and lots of toys. He reached into the box and pulled out a soft pale yellow blanket that had pink teddy bears and white clouds printed all over it.

_She's the cutest baby that he's ever seen… her little fingers, her dark patch of silky hair hidden mostly by a pale pink hat, her button nose… she's absolutely perfect as she's snuggled into her favorite yellow blanket. She fits perfectly in his arms, like the space was meant for her._

"_Do you know that you're the prettiest little girl in the world? I think you do…"_

_She gurgles and smiles at him as he continues to rock her back and forth._

"What are you doing?"

The flashback immediately ended and Johnny looked up and saw Laura looking at him, clutching a kitchen towel close to her chest. Her eyes were wide and bright and he immediately felt guilty going through her things.

"I'm sorry… I was just wandering and I saw this blanket and… I don't know—it—it seemed familiar somehow…" he said, putting the blanket back in the box.

"It was my daughter's…" she said softly as she looked down at the floor.

"You have a daughter?" he asked and Laura shook her head.

She looked back up at him and tears were already falling down her face. That look alone told him almost everything and he felt like crying too.

"I'm—I'm sorry… I didn't—I didn't mean…" he stammered and she shook her head.

"It's ok… how could you have known?" she said, walking towards him.

"What happened? If you don't mind me asking…" he whispered.

She picked up the blanket and closed her eyes, bringing it to her nose and inhaling the scent. Her shoulders slumped and she opened her eyes to look at him.

"She—she… um… she was born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome… it's—it's a heart condition where the left side of the heart is under developed and it makes it really hard to pump blood…" she said, tucking the blanket under her chin.

"Oh my god…" he muttered.

"The doctors told us… my ex-husband and I… that her chances weren't that good and they told us that we could take her home… to let her pass at home but I couldn't—I couldn't give up… how could I live with myself if I didn't do everything possible for my baby?" she asked, wiping her eyes.

"Of course…" he said, putting a hand on her shoulder, and she sighed.

"So, we told the doctors to do whatever they could to save our daughter… she made it through the first surgery but her condition just deteriorated and she finally left us… after seven months of life, she was gone…" she said before her voice broke into a sob.

He took her by the arm and pulled her in close. Inside, Johnny felt like dying, listening to what had happened to this woman's daughter. It was almost as if it was his own daughter she was talking about. He swallowed hard as she wrapped her arms around his back and exhaled deeply. She was comforting him just as much as he was trying to provide her with some solace.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to burden you with all of this…" she said, pulling back from him.

"No… I'm the one who should be sorry… I shouldn't have asked…" he said.

"No… I—I like talking about Aura with you… it's comforting…" she said, looking up at him.

"What was that name?" he asked.

"Aura… it means glowing light…" she said.

"I like it… it's very pretty…" he said, walking closer to her.

"You always said that it suited her…" she said, smiling.

"I did? Did I ever meet Aura?" he asked.

"Y—Yes… a few times… she loved you… you were one of her favorite people…" she said, smiling nervously.

"I bet she was amazing…" he whispered.

He ran his finger along her cheek and she exhaled shakily at his touch. Touching her seemed like the most natural thing in the entire world, like he had done it so many times. Being close to her was familiar and stirred feelings inside of him that he knew that he would never feel with another woman. She looked away and stepped back.

"I—I… um… better go and check on those cinnamon rolls…" she said before turning away from him.

She ducked back into the kitchen, clearly shaken from their closeness, and Johnny watched her leave. He should've felt bad about being here with her. He was supposed to want to know more about Brook and their life together not the life of a girl that he dated briefly ages ago. It wasn't that he didn't like Brook. She was very affectionate, doting and caring. It was almost impossible not to like her or to see why before the accident he wanted to marry her.

He just couldn't see himself being head over heels in love with Brook.

He couldn't vouch for the man that he was before but right now he couldn't imagine marrying someone that he just simply loved. There had to be that inexplicable pull… that spark… that feeling knowing that without that person in his life, he would be empty inside. His mind immediately flashed back to his dream last night. It was fresh in his mind as if he had just relived it again. He could hear her screaming and he could feel the overwhelming urge to hold her in his arms and tell her that he never wanted to be without her. He didn't know who she was but one thing he definitely knew for sure was that when that happened, he knew that he was empty inside without her.

* * *

Brook sat in the foyer of the Zacchara mansion, taping her heels on the floor, anxiously waiting for Johnny to return. He had called her earlier that day to tell her that he was on his way back to the mansion. She hadn't slept that much the night before, too afraid to close her eyes because of those horrible images of him being wheeled into the ER kept creeping into her mind. She was just glad that he was alright. She had to think positively. He was alright and he was alive and that was all that she could ever ask for… even if he had basically run away from her. She looked up at the door and sighed heavily.

She was never enough.

She had never been enough.

Even with a clean slate and without the complex past that they shared as a huge elephant in the room, she was never going to be his first choice. She couldn't even make him love her when he couldn't remember what he had truly lost. Everyone told her that she shouldn't have been with him because he was emotionally unavailable but she didn't listen. She thought that she knew exactly what she was getting herself into when she took up with him. She knew that he came with a lot of baggage but she didn't care because he was worth it.

He was her everything.

The door opened and Johnny was there. Brook immediately ran into his arms and held him so close that she thought that he would stop breathing.

"Hey… I'm ok… I'm sorry I worried you…" he said, curling a piece of her brown hair around her ear and she smiled at the gesture.

"I'm so glad that you're ok…" she said.

"Well, you owe that all to Laura…" he said, taking off his coat.

"Oh… right… so, how did you meet this Laura?" she said, following him into the study.

"I went walking and I ended up in this bar called Jake's… anyway, she was there and she recognized me and we just started talking…" he said as he took a seat on a nearby couch.

She knew that he was trying to minimize her concern but it didn't help. Her relationship with Johnny was already on thin ice before the accident and now it seemed to be even more fragile. He was distant when he remembered but since he had lost his memory, he was slipping farther and farther away.

"And you waited out the storm at her house?" she asked.

"Yes… I told her that I had walked from here to Jake's and she offered to let me spend the night." Johnny said.

Brook felt a lump in her throat form. She invited him to spend the night. That had so many illicit connotations that made her skin crawl.

"And—did—did anything happen?" she asked, afraid of his response.

"We didn't sleep together if that's what you're asking… I did remember something though…" he said, turning towards her.

Her heart skipped a beat. Finally there was a glimmer of hope that there was a chance that they could get back what they had lost when he got into that accident.

"You did? What? What did you remember?" she said, taking his hand in hers, and his eyes immediately looked away from her.

"I'm sorry… but it wasn't about us… it—it was another woman…" he said guiltily.

As quickly as her heart raced, it fell just as quickly. She was hoping that he would remember her first and to finally have confirmation that he loved her as deeply as she loved him but of course… it was never about Brook. It was always about Lulu. Johnny didn't need to tell her that the woman that he remembered was Lulu because it made sense. No matter what she did or how successful she was, she wasn't Lulu Spencer and she never would be.

She hated her.

Well, she really wanted to hate her but she couldn't. She had no right to. Lulu had never done a thing to her and yet the sheer thought of her made Brook want to scream. She was tired of competing with a memory.

"Who was she?" Brook asked, already knowing the answer to that question.

"I don't know… I just—I remembered that I was leaving her… I can't remember why though… I can't—I can't get the sound of her screaming out of my head… it's been haunting me for hours now…" he said, putting his head in his hands.

She sighed heavily and put a hand on Johnny's shoulder. Lulu had a habit of haunting Johnny. She had been for years now. The memory of losing their daughter and him leaving had been plaguing him for years. He lied all the time, saying that he was over her and that she was his life now but deep down Brook knew better.

"I'm sorry…" she said, gently running her fingers through his hair.

"No, I'm sorry… you don't need to be hearing all of this… I'm being insensitive… I have a habit for that now…" he muttered.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"When I was over Laura's house, I stumbled upon a box of things that used to belong to her daughter, Aura…" he began.

Brook immediately snapped her head up. She knew that the name Laura Webber was suspect and now she knew why. She prayed that she had heard him wrong. She hoped with all of her might that her worst fear wasn't coming true. She hoped that she was just hearing things and Johnny didn't actually say that Laura had a daughter named Aura.

"Wait… what?" she squeaked.

"I said that Laura was telling me about how her daughter, Aura, passed away when she was seven months old…" Johnny said.

"Oh my god…" Brook gasped, covering her mouth with her hands.

"What?" he asked.

"That's—that's horrible… no mother should ever have to watch her child die" she said, recovering from her outburst.

She was shaking all over and felt like she could faint. She didn't think it could happen but this situation just went from bad to worse. This Laura Webber that Johnny had met last night was none other than Lulu Spencer.


	6. Walk Away

**A/N:** Hello!!! I hope you guys had/are having a wonderful holiday! I know I did :) But wow, this chapter was **REALLY** hard to write, just because it's super heavy on the dialogue and not so much on description and I had to try to dance around another secret that I don't want to reveal until later but I'm pretty sure that some of you are probably going to get it… alright, enough chatter… happy reading and don't forget to review!!

_All I can ever be to you,  
Is a darkness that we knew,  
And this regret I've got accustomed to…  
Once it was so right,  
When we were at our high,  
Waiting for you in the hotel at night…  
I knew I hadn't met my match,  
But every moment we could snatch,  
I don't know why I got so attached…  
It's my responsibility,  
And you don't owe nothing to me,  
But to walk away I have no capacity… _

"Tears Dry On Their Own" – Amy Winehouse

**Chapter 5 – Walk Away**

"You would tell me if you remembered anything, right?"

Johnny sighed heavily and put his head in his hands. It had been like this for weeks since he had remembered the argument with the mystery woman. Brook had been asking him about his memory what seemed to be every five seconds and he was becoming frustrated with her. He didn't choose what he remembered and he certainly couldn't summon up memories like a magician. She was also clearly bothered by his visit with Laura. In not so many ways, Brook managed to uncover every single second that he had Laura had spent together and found out exactly what was said between the two of them. She was upset to say the least when Johnny told her that she had slept next to him after he had his nightmare and told him in not so many words that he should be wary of her.

"Yes, Brook… I would tell you if I remembered something but I haven't… not about you or anyone else for that matter…" he groaned.

He looked up at her as she stood before him, arms folded and eyes worried. She sighed and sat next to him. She must've realized how paranoid she must've sounded.

"I'm sorry… I'm really trying not to be a monster… I'm just…really… frustrated…" she said, running her fingers through his hair.

"I know the feeling…" he muttered.

"Forgive me?" she asked.

_Like he had a choice?_

He nodded and she kissed his temple. He put his arm around her and closed his eyes as she snuggled into his chest. He could feel her muscles relax and knew that this was all that she wanted, for him to show some sort of affection towards her like he had done before. He wished that he could magically wake up with all of his memories intact. He didn't like being confused about his feelings for Brook and Laura. In his mind, it shouldn't have been happening like this. He should be falling in love with Brook all over again…

… and not thinking about another woman every waking moment.

* * *

Lulu sat on a bench in the park, re-reading one of her favorite books, _The Great Gatsby_. She didn't feel like staying inside when the sun was starting to come out after a collection of strong storms so she went to the park for some fresh air… and a distraction. It had been weeks since she had seen Johnny but she couldn't stop thinking about him or how stupid she was to tell him about Aura. She had lied to him about her name but why hadn't she lied about Aura? She sighed heavily and went back to reading.

_She didn't have the heart to lie about his daughter._

Aura was Johnny's entire world. She could still see his face when she had told him that she was pregnant. The joy that was in his eyes when it dawned on him that she was carrying his child was something that she wanted to have and bottled up forever. She had never seen him so happy. And true to form, Johnny spoiled Aura rotten. He bought her a new toy almost every single week because promised her that she would never question how much he loved her like he had when he was young. Sometimes Lulu thought that he took Aura's death harder than she did. The Johnny that she knew and loved died that day when she left. He just turned into a shell of his former self. She tried to reach out to him, she wanted to save him like he had saved her so many times but he wouldn't let her in.

_He was lost to her forever._

Lulu sighed and went back to her book. She didn't know long she had been reading when she felt a hand on her back.

"What're you reading?"

Lulu looked up and saw Carly standing behind her, smiling. Lulu set her book down and hugged Carly tightly.

"I'm so happy to see you…" Lulu said.

"So I see… and you're reading… oh, it must be serious… you always read Gatsby when you're trying to forget something… tell me…" Carly said, sitting back down with Lulu on the bench.

There was so much that was on her mind… so many things that she was confused about. Lulu shut her book and turned to Carly. Carly knew Lulu so well… she hated it but was glad that she could read her because that made everything a bit easier.

"Johnny…" Lulu sighed and Carly grimaced.

It wasn't a secret that Carly didn't like Johnny, especially after seeing the state that he left Lulu in after the divorce. Lulu remembered Carly calling Johnny a few colorful names when she had come down to Manhattan to visit Lulu during the divorce proceedings and he had stopped by the brownstone to pick up a few things that he had left after he moved out.

"Do I even want to know why he's on your mind?" Carly asked, not even attempting to hide the disdain in her voice.

"I saw him a few weeks ago…" Lulu said, looking down at her hands.

"Really? How'd that go?" Carly asked as she leaned back against the bench.

"Confusing… complicated… he was in a car accident and—" Lulu started and Carly sat up.

"Oh my god! Is he ok?" Carly asked and Lulu nodded her head.

"Yeah… he's—he's… well, physically he's fine… but he lost his memory when he got into the accident… he doesn't remember anything about me…" Lulu sighed. Carly blinked slowly, taking in what she had just said, and sighed heavily.

"Well that's—that's heavy…" Carly muttered and Lulu nodded.

"Yeah I know… I didn't believe him at first…" Lulu said.

"You still believe him?" Carly asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I know he's not faking… I—I told him about Aura… and of course he was sad for me but…" Lulu started.

"Wait… did you not tell him that Aura was his daughter?" Carly asked and Lulu looked away.

"Oh my god… you didn't tell him who you were, did you? You didn't tell him that you were married and had a daughter together?" Carly asked.

"No… only because I—I didn't want to remember either! What was I supposed to do? Just tell him how we were married until he broke my heart and left me after our daughter died? How the hell am I supposed to tell him that, Carly?" Lulu cried.

"Lulu… you're playing a **really** dangerous game here… not telling him the truth about you and your daughter? Do you not want him to get his memory back?" Carly asked, turning towards her cousin.

"How can you even ask me that? Of course I want him to get his memory back! I just—I just wish that I wasn't in this position… I didn't ask for him to come waltzing back into my life, Carly! You know better than anyone that I can't go for another round with Johnny… it would be emotional suicide!" Lulu cried.

"Then you need to tell him the truth… just tell him the truth and then you can wash your hands clean of him…" Carly said.

Lulu looked down at her hands and exhaled deeply. Carly was right. This wasn't fair to Johnny and the sooner she told him the truth, the sooner she could be free of him. She needed to stop being scared and face her demons. She was letting him affect her and she had to put a stop to it. She had wasted too many years of her life being a slave the storm that was Johnny Zacchara.

_Enough was enough._

* * *

The sky was a beautiful bright blue and the winds had died down as Brook and Johnny walked through the park together. She laced her fingertips through his and looked up at him. He smiled back and gently swung their interlinked hands back and forth.

_This was the way it was supposed to be._

Johnny told her that he wanted to do something with her today so he suggested a walk through the park since it was such a nice day. Brook felt like screaming in joy when he said "just the two of us" because she couldn't remember the last time he had said that. They were so busy before the accident that they had almost stopped spending time together entirely. All they had time for were just stolen moments here and there. She felt Johnny stop beside her and she looked back up at him, wondering what was wrong.

"Hey… there's Laura! Let me introduce you to her!" Johnny said excitedly.

Brook looked up and there she was. Sitting on a bench, reading a book, was none other than Lulu Spencer. She had only seen her a few times and she didn't understand why so many men went absolutely crazy for her. Dillon, her uncle and one of her many admirers, had told her that he couldn't explain why he was drawn to Lulu and that it was just something completely out of his control. Brook had to roll her eyes at that. Surely no woman had that much of an effect over a man, she thought.

But as much as she would hate to admit it, Brook wished that she had that ability.

She did something to Johnny that Brook could never do. Lulu was the one person to have Johnny's entire heart. He never trusted anyone with his whole heart and Brook was trying so hard to be the person that he could give himself fully to but a part of her knew that he would never love anyone like he loved Lulu. She liked to disregard that nagging doubt as much as she could but the fact that he was still drawn to her without even remembering who she was hurt her.

"She—she looks pretty into her book, Johnny… let's go for some coffee at Kelly's… or we can go walk down by the pier…" Brook said, trying to pull him in the other direction.

Johnny, of course, didn't listen to her and called out to her and she looked up. Brook could see the shock in Lulu's eyes when she saw her standing next to Johnny. Brook swallowed hard as they began walking towards her.

"Hi, Laura… it's nice to see you again…" Johnny said and Lulu's eyes immediately flashed to her when he called her Laura.

"It's—it's nice to see you too, Johnny…" Lulu said meekly and Brook cleared her throat.

"Oh, I'm sorry… this is Brook… Brook, Laura… Laura this is my fiancée, Brook…" Johnny said, smiling.

Brook extended her hand out to the nervous blond standing in front of her. Brook laughed to herself, thinking that Lulu must've been sweating bullets.

"Nice to meet you, Laura… and I should thank you for letting Johnny crash at your house during the storm…" Brook said, smiling sweetly and putting her hand on Johnny's shoulder.

"It was no problem… wow, Johnny… you didn't do Brook justice when you said that she was beautiful…" Lulu said, folding her arms across her chest, and Brook squeezed his hand affectionately.

"So, how've you been?" Johnny asked.

"Here and there… I'm just glad that this weather let up…" Lulu said, looking up to the sky.

Brook studied Lulu's face as she and Johnny made idle conversation. Lulu was up to something. She just had to be. Why else would she lie about her past with Johnny? And of course, Johnny was just eating all of this up. He was hanging on her every word, looking at her in a way that he never did with Brook. She felt like screaming. What was so great about this stupid girl that made him act like a lovesick fool and completely disregard Brook's presence beside him? She was about to find out.

"Baby… I saw some soft pretzels back at the entrance to the park… do you mind going and getting one for me?" Brook asked in the sweetest voice she could muster up despite the situation.

"Sure… Laura? Do you want one as well?" Johnny asked and Brook rolled her eyes.

"No thanks…" Lulu said.

He nodded and started towards the park entrance. Brook watched him until he disappeared behind some tall shrubs and as soon as he was out of sight, her smile collapsed and she turned back around to face Lulu.

"You're lying to him and I want to know why…" Brook demanded.

"I don't have to answer to you…" Lulu said, sitting back down on the bench and opening her book. Brook gritted her teeth.

"Like hell you do! He's my fiancé!" Brook cried and Lulu rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, you can spot that gaudy ring from across the park…" Lulu laughed and it took everything that Brook had within her not to smack that smug smirk off Lulu's face.

"Stay away from **my** fiancé…" Brook hissed. Lulu snapped her book shut and narrowed her eyes on Brook. Apparently, that hit a nerve. Lulu rose to her feet and walked towards Brook.

"You… have absolutely **no** right to tell me to stay away from Johnny." Lulu growled.

"You think that you can just play god with people's lives and tell them what you want to remember? It doesn't work like that, Lulu." Brook said and Lulu laughed.

"Well, why haven't you told him then? Why didn't you tell him the minute he told you about me? Surely you must've been suspicious seeing how I used my mother's name…" Lulu asked, cocking her head to the side, waiting for Brook's response, and when she didn't respond, Lulu chuckled darkly.

"You can't tell him either… because you have just as much stuff to hide as I do…" Lulu said.

"That's not true… I've told him everything about us…" Brook said and Lulu laughed again.

"You told him everything? Really? I doubt that…" Lulu said, shaking her head.

"I have!" Brook screamed.

"Really? Have you really told him the entire disgusting truth? Or are you too scared that he'll never look at you the same way again?" Lulu shrieked.

Brook swallowed hard and lowered her eyes, knowing the truth to her words. Lulu turned away from her and sat down on the bench with her eyes closed, trying to regroup herself before Johnny came back. She should've walked away then. Lulu had won. She had seen right through Brook and found out her deepest fear. If Johnny never knew the truth, then there was a way that they could have a real life together. She finally had a chance to have that life that she dreamt about with Johnny… if he never remembered who they both really were.

"So, don't you dare hurl accusations at me! You have no idea what my life has been like! I'm just trying to get on with my life and if lying to him lets me keep my sanity and lets you cling to the hope that he's going to move on with you, then you shouldn't be questioning my motives!" Lulu cried.

"He blames me, you know… he didn't say it but I could see it in his eyes… I'm—I'm a living a breathing reason why he can never have you back…" Brook said quietly.

"What?" Lulu snapped.

"Before the accident… sometimes I would catch him looking at me… and he'd have this look on his face… it was regret…" Brook said, brushing a tear away from her cheek.

"Then why would he stay with you then?" Lulu asked, matter-of-factly.

"I don't know…" Brook sighed, sitting down next to her.

"Don't expect me to feel sympathy for you because I don't…" Lulu said.

"I know… and I don't deserve it… after everything that I've done to you… I don't expect any… I just—I just…" Brook said, sniffing.

"You just what?" Lulu asked, picking up her book.

"I'm never going to be good enough for him… I'm not you…" Brook said, looking at Lulu.

"I'm not perfect." Lulu said but Brook shook her head.

"To him… you were." Brook said sadly.

It killed her to admit it but it was the truth. How could she live up to Lulu Spencer, the love of his life? Their story was practically legendary. They had saved each other from their demons: him from his father and his twisted family and her from her own bout of mental illness. They had fought for over a year just to be together and no one questioned the depth of their love for each other. Brook sighed heavily and put her hands in her coat pocket. She was fooling herself before the accident, thinking that Johnny could love her with that kind of passion.

"I'm back! Sorry, it took me so long… the line was horrible…" Johnny said, holding two salted pretzels.

Brook smiled sadly and took one of the pretzels that he was holding. He saw down in between them and put his arm around Brook and she felt her heart leap. At least now, he could love her. He could fall in love with her without comparing her to the one that got away. All she wanted was a fair shot at winning his heart and she had a better chance of doing that if he didn't remember everything about his past right away.

"I'm actually going to head home… I promised my aunt that I'd be over for dinner… it was nice seeing you again, Johnny… and it was nice talking to you too, Brook…" Lulu said, rising to her feet.

Lulu began walking but she stopped and turned back around towards them. Brook's heart began racing, wondering what she was going to say.

"Johnny?" Lulu asked.

"Yes?" Johnny asked, looking up at her.

"You're a very lucky guy… Brook loves you a lot… don't let it go to waste…" Lulu said.

"Thanks…" Johnny said.

Lulu's eyes met Brook's and she gave her a small nod before leaving and Brook knew that Lulu wasn't going to tell him anything else. How could she just walk away from Johnny like that? Was it really that simple for her to walk away from a man that she had loved more than her own life at one point? Maybe she had gotten it wrong. Maybe Lulu didn't want Johnny back as some sort of revenge plot. Maybe Lulu truly didn't want Johnny to remember her because she was trying to move on with her life. She watched Lulu walked away and Brook felt Johnny squeeze her gently and put a soft kiss on her temple.

"What's wrong?" he asked and she looked up at him and smiled.

"I love you… so much, Johnny…" she whispered.

* * *

Lulu watched Johnny and Brook from a distance. His arm was around her and she was smiling. Lulu didn't know what possessed her to push Johnny towards Brook. His hand other hand was gently resting on Brook's thigh and her hands cupped his face. Lulu felt her heart begin to race. This felt so… wrong.

_That should be me…_

As soon as she had that thought, she was absolutely horrified. How could she be jealous? It had been four years… four cold and lonely years since she had seen him and now suddenly she was starting to think that she had a claim to him. This was absolutely unacceptable. She couldn't feel this way. She wouldn't allow it. Lulu saw Brook slowly lean in and kiss Johnny softly on the lips and she thought that she was going to be sick and immediately turned away. She focused on the rhythm of her steady footsteps in order to get the image of Brook kissing Johnny out of her mind.

It was going to be hard but she had to do it. A part of her still had hope, that part of her that would always love him. She sighed and shoved her hands into her pocket. She was too old for fairytales. She was done waiting and wishing and hoping. It was the only way for everyone to get what they wanted. Lulu wanted her life back before Johnny, Brook wanted her life with Johnny, and Johnny… Johnny just wanted a life and he could have that with Brook. As much as she hated her, Lulu didn't doubt that Brook loved Johnny with every fiber of her being. She would bend over backwards to make him happy and if she could make him happy, who was she to stand in the middle of that? It was she always wanted for him… Lulu looked up at the clear blue sky and swallowed hard.

_She had to walk away…_


	7. Circle

**A/N:** Thank you guys for all of your awesome reviews! I've been getting the **NICEST** reviews ever and I'm just so glad that you guys are enjoying this story. You are the reason why I sit at my laptop, furiously typing away, and racking my brain for new/interesting ideas for Johnny and Lulu. I'm just really glad that you guys aren't bored yet! I'm trying to keep things interesting and moving along story wise because the last thing I want is for you guys not to enjoy the story… but this chapter was sooooo much fun to write and you'll see why… I think that you'll like it ;) Happy reading and don't forget to review!!

_They say if you love something let it go  
And if it comes back then that's how you know…  
I got to the stop light then I made four rights  
Now I'm back where I started  
And you're back in my life…_

_The further I go the closer I get back to you  
I say I moved on till I'm reminded of you  
Can somebody help me?  
Help me get out of this circle?  
Out of this circle…_

"Circle" – Marques Houston

**Chapter 6 – Circle**

Johnny looked up from his newspaper to catch Brook staring intently at him as she drank her morning coffee. He was sitting at one end of the kitchen island and she was leaning forward on the island directly across from him. This was the third time he caught her staring this morning.

"What's on your mind?" he finally asked, setting down his newspaper, and she smiled.

"You just look so cute when you're all focused…" she said, walking over to him.

She hoisted herself on top of the kitchen island and set her coffee mug on top of his discarded newspaper. She reached over, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, and pulled him close to her. Her chocolate colored hair was in soft waves that went past her shoulders and her eyes were dark and sultry. He had made a promise to make more of an effort with her and he was attracted to her. How could he not be?

Especially since she was still in her black silk pajamas that snugly sat at her hips along with a matching camisole…

He swallowed hard and her lips met his. His body responded and his hands wandered up her thighs and wrapped around her waist. She arched her back and gasped. He never thought about how long it had been since they had been intimate. Surely it had have been a while because she was very eager. He felt her fingertips run down his chest towards the bottom of his t-shirt.

That was when he had his second flashback.

"_I need you…"_

_He looks down and it's __**her**__ again, his beautiful blond muse. Her face is a bit clearer now but the dim lights from the numerous candles in the room prevent him from being able to make out distinct features. Her golden hair is spread everywhere on the bed and her eyes are focused on him… loving him… adoring him. She looks at him as if he's the only person in the world. He's never felt this much love in his entire life. Her voice is soft, almost like a whimper. She slides her hands up his arms and then to his face, brushing over his eyebrows, nose and then his lips. Her fingers are so warm and so soft against his skin._

"_Please…"_

_She's practically begging him now and he can't hold back much longer. She rises and kisses him and he's completely gone. All he can think about is how much he needs to be inside of her. He wants her so badly that he thinks that he just might die. Her body is like a drug and he is an addict that can't get enough. They're just about tearing at each other's clothes now, needing to feel skin upon skin. He can hear her panting against his skin as he kisses her neck and he knows immediately that it's his favorite spot on her because she easily comes undone when he's there. _

"_Oh god… oh god…"_

_Her breathing is labored and her nails dig deep into his flesh but he's too turned on by her to feel any pain. She wraps one of her legs around his waist, closing what little space there was between their bodies and he groans against her neck. He grabs her legs and pulls her to him roughly and before she can make a sound, he's already pressed into her. Her arms are above her head, gripping a nearby pillow, and she arches her back and lets out the most toe-curling moan he's ever heard and he's sure that he's about to lose it. She's so beautiful when he sees her coming apart beneath him… moaning, yelling and then crying out in pleasure until he's struggling to hang on. He wraps his arms around her and presses his lips to his. Her lips part and she's panting into his mouth now. Suddenly, she throws her head back, screaming now, and then collapses in his arms._

"_Johnny…"_

Johnny's eyes shot open and he immediately recoiled from Brook's grasp, almost falling out of his chair. He pressed his shaking fingertips to his eyes, trying to process what just occurred.

"Johnny? Johnny! Are you alright?" Brook asked, sliding off the surface of the kitchen island.

His eyes met hers and he managed to get control of his breathing. She pressed her cool palm against his slightly sweaty forehead and her brow furrowed into a confused expression.

"Oh my god, Johnny… you're really warm… what happened? Did you remember something?" she asked, not being able to hide the excitement in her voice.

Surely it wasn't cheating if he remembered having probably the best sex of his life with another woman while he was with his fiancée, right?

"Yeah…" he said, sheepishly.

"Oh my god! What did you remember? Was it about me?" she cried, grasping at his hand and he grimaced.

"Uh…" he muttered and her face fell.

"It—it wasn't about me, was it?" she asked.

He looked up at her and shook his head. Brook immediately flushed bright pink, obviously embarrassed that she had jumped to the wrong conclusion. She quickly turned around and left the kitchen, never looking back up at him. Johnny sighed heavily and cursed the day that he had ever gotten into that stupid car and lost his memory. He didn't like hurting her by remembering someone else. He wished that he could be the man that she needed but he couldn't. And this mystery woman was back… with a new dream to haunt him with.

* * *

Lulu loved sitting on the waterfront, looking out at the piers, watching ships come and go. It was soothing to hear the horns in the distance and the waves crash against the harbor. She often went down to the waterfront to think and she had a lot of things on her mind to mull over. She failed miserably in her attempt to tell Johnny the truth about their relationship because of Brook. A part of her was glad that she had shown up with Johnny so that she wouldn't be able to tell the truth. Since that awkward meeting in the park, Lulu successfully avoided meeting Johnny like the plague, not that he had come into Port Charles since then. Perhaps he and Brook were busy "bonding" at the Zacchara mansion. Lulu's stomach did an uneasy flip as she thought of the possibilities. Just then, a speedboat noisily zipped by and Lulu smiled, thinking about how she and Johnny used to love taking the boats out on the water, driving fast and reckless. They were so young and free back then. Lulu remembered how they would take his car out for a drive, pull into a deserted lot and look at the stars for hours. Those were the times when she thought that she and Johnny would be forever. She had no idea that it wouldn't last.

"Hey,"

Lulu turned around and saw Johnny standing behind her. He smiled at her and joined her on the bench. She didn't say anything, just looked back down at her hands, avoiding his eyes.

"So, did I miss the part where we had a huge fight and you're not speaking to me?" he chuckled and she shook her head.

"You shouldn't be here…" she finally said.

"Why?" he asked, turning towards her.

"Because…" she said quietly.

"Because what?" he implored.

"Because you're going to upset Brook… she's already worried about you pulling away from her…" she said.

"She's just… frustrated that I haven't had any memories of her… just of this other woman… the same one from last time…" he said and Lulu felt her face turn red.

"You had another memory?" she asked.

"Yeah…" he said wistfully.

"What about?" she asked.

"Does that mean I can stay?" he asked, smiling, and she laughed.

"I'm going to regret this but sure… you can stay…" she said.

"I was with Brook when it happened… we were… we were about to…" he said, clearly struggling to phrase his thought in the right way and she giggled.

"You and Brook were about to have sex when it happened…" she chuckled.

"And I remembered… being in the same… _situation_… with the woman from before…" he said.

She felt something in her stomach turn. She couldn't believe that he had a memory of the two of them having sex while he was with Brook. The irony would've been something that would've had Lulu on the floor laughing but she was too mortified to be amused.

"Oh…" she muttered.

"Of course, I couldn't tell Brook exactly what I remembered because then she would've been even more upset… so I left the house again… I just—I just needed some air…" he exhaled, looking up at the sky.

"Yeah… having your amnesiac fiancé remember having sex with another woman while she's the one you're supposed to be having sex with is not every girl's dream…" she mumbled.

"You know… I feel bad… I always tell you about my problems… do you have problems of your own that you'd like to share?" he joked and she couldn't help but to laugh.

"Oh, there isn't enough time in the day to tell you all of my problems…" she chuckled.

"Well, since my memory's shot, I've got nothing but time… tell me about Laura Webber…" he said, putting his hands behind his head.

Her eyes fell to him and he was staring right back at her, one of his killer smirks on his face and a glimmer of sincerity that she hadn't seen out of him in years. She exhaled deeply and nodded.

"Alright… well, I grew up here… my parents were… adventure junkies… they travelled all over the world with my older brother before they came back here to settle down. My mom… got sick when I was little. She was in a mental institution for most of my life, in a catatonic state… but she recovered and she's living in Europe now… and my dad wasn't really a homebody… he drifted in and out of my life until I got older… so I was raised by my grandmother here… I went through a bit of a rebellious streak… got into a lot of trouble as a kid…" she began.

"Nothing serious I hope…" he said.

"Some more serious than others…" she said.

"What about your husband? I mean… your ex-husband?" he asked.

Her gaze snapped back to Johnny, hoping that she didn't hear him ask about her husband. What was she supposed to say? Was this her sign to tell him the truth? Could she really bring herself to tell Johnny the truth?

"What—What about him?" she stammered.

"How'd you meet?" he asked and she felt a small smile creep across her lips.

"Hitchhiking…" she chuckled.

"Hitchhiking?" he asked and she nodded.

"I had just found out that my boyfriend at the time had cheated on me… and I was understandably furious so I stormed out of his apartment and just started walking… I just needed to get the hell out of Port Charles… away from Logan… that was my boyfriend's name… and I heard a car coming down the road so I decided to try and hitch a ride and there he was… in the most gorgeous yellow vintage Mustang I had ever seen…" she said, smiling as she remembered the first time that she had met Johnny.

"So, you got into a car with a complete stranger?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah..." she said, looking back at him.

"You know what's funny? I should be mortified that you got into a car with a stranger… that's just asking for trouble… but for some strange reason, I'm glad you did get in that car…" he laughed and she blushed.

"Yeah… I just—I just knew that when I got in the car with him… I was safe… it was like I could breathe again and I couldn't—I couldn't understand how that was possible, you know? I never believed in love at first sight but… now that I look back at it, it seems that it was that way…" she said, looking up at the sky.

"So, you just jumped in the car and went into your happily ever after?" he asked and she laughed.

"If only… but no, it was a little bit more complicated than that…" she chuckled.

"How so?" he asked.

"I spent the next few months going between him and Logan… I knew that I wanted him… more than anyone that I've ever known and it scared me… so I hid behind Logan because I knew that what I had with him was safe and manageable…" she went on.

"But you just couldn't stay away…" he muttered, almost if he remembered.

He was staring at her like he used to, like she was the only person in the world. She noticed that he had scooted closer to her and his arm was resting behind her on the bench. Her heart fluttered in her chest and she exhaled shakily. A part of her wanted him to remember. She thought that she didn't want him to remember her so that they could both move on with their lives but now she couldn't help but to be saddened that he didn't remember her.

"Something like that…" she sighed.

"So, what changed? What made you ditch Logan for good?" he asked.

"I don't think it was a specific thing… I just knew that I couldn't push my feelings aside anymore… it was a bit more complicated than that but I'd hate to bore you with the details… but I finally owned up to how I felt and after a little bit more of back and forth, we finally got together…" she said.

"And then that's when the happiness started?" he asked, smiling.

"Relatively… I—I started getting sick… like my mom and he was there, loving me through it… as much as he could… he was going through some legal troubles at the time and people were telling the both of us to stay away from each other… everyone thought that he was the one making me sick but you know how people judge even though they don't know the entire story…" she explained.

"Legal troubles?" Johnny asked.

"He was on trial for murder… but he was acquitted…" she said and his eyes widened.

"Wow… what happened next?" he asked and she smiled.

"Things calmed down… thankfully… and we were just able to be a normal couple… I actually thought that he was going to get bored without the constant drama…" she mused.

"I can't see how you'd ever bore him…" he laughed and she blushed.

"Life was definitely never boring… well… to continue on with the story, we got married that next fall… and then Aura came a year and a half later…" she said and she could feel her face fall.

"Things went bad after Aura died, didn't they?" he asked quietly and she nodded.

"It devastated him… it devastated the both of us but he just shut down after she passed… and I couldn't do anything to help him… I tried so hard to reach out to him so we could mourn together and realize that we couldn't—we couldn't forget how hard we fought for her and for each other but he wouldn't listen… and he just changed… he became this person that I couldn't even recognize anymore…" she said.

She felt the tears come and they slid down her face slowly as she looked out on the water, unable to look at him. It was just too much to sit there and tell Johnny about the life that they had together that he didn't remember. She closed her eyes and covered her mouth with one of her hands. This just wasn't fair. Why couldn't she just let go? Why couldn't she just let all this pain go? Surely if she could, she wouldn't have to lie to Johnny about their life together.

* * *

He felt like dying on the inside.

Watching her like this made him want to die.

She had been hurt so much in her life and all he wanted to do was take all of her pain away. This story that she told tugged at his soul, like he had heard it before. He reached over to her and held her in his arms and gently stroked her back as she cried.

"Shhh… it's ok… I'm here for you…" he whispered as he stroked her blond curls.

"I'm—I'm sorry…" she sniffed, rising from his embrace, and he shook his head.

"Don't be…" he said, curling a piece of hair around her ear.

"Why are you being so nice?" she asked.

"Because you deserve it… you deserve so much better…" he said.

Her eyes met his and he trailed a finger along her cheek, reveling in how smooth her skin was. Her nose was red and her eyes were watery and puffy from crying and her hair was slightly disheveled from lying on his shoulder but she looked beautiful to him. His face inched towards hers and he could hear her breath speed up. Her lips were hesitant at first but after that first kiss, the entire world melted away. There was only her in his world and only him in hers. She ran her fingers through his hair and grasped at the collar of his jacket as his hands pulled her waist closer to him. He could feel the wetness from her tears dribble onto his face and he immediately began to wipe them away as his lips attempted to make her pain go away. He knew he couldn't kiss away all of her problems and her bad memories but he wanted to try.

"Johnny…" she gasped, pulling away from him. Her voice sent a chill down his spine.

_It was so familiar… like he had heard it in a dream…_

"Please don't tell me to stop…" he whispered as he pressed his forehead to hers.

She exhaled and his fingertips brushed over her lips. He wanted her and it dawned on him that he's wanted her for a while. He wanted to be with her more than it was humanly possible. His hand slid up her neck and tilted her face up towards his. He could see that she was trying to fight it but her resolve was slowly beginning to crumble. His lips grazed hers but she quickly turned her face away from his.

"I can't…" she exhaled.

She quickly stood up and walked towards the edge of the docks. He rose to his feet and reached out to her, turning her around to face him. Her eyes were closed shut so that she couldn't look at him. He lifted her chin up to him and she squeezed her eyelids tighter.

"Laura…" he coaxed and she shook her head.

"No… this is wrong… you're—you're engaged and I'm—" she started but he pressed a finger to her lips to silence her.

"So what?" he asked, holding her face in his hands, as if Laura saying that he was engaged to Brook was the most absurd statement in the world.

"It's not fair! To me or to Brook!" she cried.

"I don't care… I don't care that I'm engaged to Brook… I want **you**…" he said.

"How can you say that, Johnny? How can you say that about the woman that you love?" she sobbed.

"I don't love Brook! And I don't think I ever did! Even before the accident!" he cried.

He didn't mean to blurt his true feelings towards Brook out loud but he just had to do everything possible to make Laura see that he wanted her. He hoped that it would convince her but instead, it just made her furious. She shoved him away from her and began to walk towards the alleyway that led to the main street but he lunged for her arm and stopped her.

"Don't touch me!" she shrieked.

"What's wrong with you? Why are you being like this?" he asked.

"I can't believe you! You threw away everything for a woman that you never felt anything for!" she screamed.

Those words made him freeze and it took him a few moments to process what she had just said. Apparently, he had been out of the loop as far as Brook was concerned and what exactly did Laura know about his past with Brook?

"Wha—What's that supposed to mean? Do you know something about Brook that I don't?" he asked, pulling her close to her.

She obviously didn't mean to blurt out that bit of information because her eyes were filled with fear as he held her.

"If you know something about my past with Brook, you need to tell me, Laura…" he said.

"I—I have to go…" she said, immediately escaping his grasp and heading down the alleyway. He didn't try to follow her because he was too rattled by her admission to run after her.

_You threw away everything for a woman that you never felt anything for…_

Laura's words sent a shiver down his spine, almost telling him that he didn't want to remember what had really happened. Brook had said that they were complicated at first and she was mum on the details about the beginning of their relationship. It never occurred to him that Brook would want to keep something a secret from him when she was the one who wanted him to regain his memory so badly. He sighed heavily and looked out onto the water. And how would Laura know about his relationship with Brook? According to her, they had dated only briefly before he had even met Brook but now she knew a huge secret about his past with Brook. How could she possibly know something this huge?

_Someone was lying to him… and he needed to know why_.


	8. Undo Her Damage

**A/N:** First of all, I would like to apologize for being MIA for the past few days… my birthday was on Monday so I've been **ALL** over town but wow! I'm so glad that you guys enjoyed the last chapter!! And I'm going to apologize right here because I know a lot of you are begging for a JoLu reconciliation but you have to hang in there with me with this slow burn but I promise that things are going to pick up sooner than you think… I like writing angst… it's so much fun :) Happy reading, and don't forget to leave one of your lovely reviews!!! Oh and Happy New Year!!! :)

_You say you want to know her like your lover  
And undo her damage  
She'll be new again…  
Soon you'll find that if you try to save her  
It renews her anger  
You will never win…_

"Three Wishes" – The Pierces

**Chapter 7 – Undo Her Damage**

_Don't go home._

That's what Johnny's mind was telling him… screaming at him even. He didn't know what to believe. How could Brook keep something from him if she claimed that she just wanted him back to his old self? Surely, they had the kind of relationships where they didn't keep secrets from each other but there was an unsettling feeling in his stomach, one that told him that Laura was right and there was more to the story than Brook was leading on.

_He had to go home._

There were so many questions that he needed to ask Brook. Of course he would give her the benefit of the doubt. Why wouldn't he believe his fiancée that he's apparently known for years over a girl that he supposedly dated years ago? It seemed ridiculous that Brook would lie about something that could help him get his memory back but as of now, Johnny didn't know who to trust. Something about this entire situation didn't sit well with him.

He closed the door to the house behind him and took off his jacket. The house was eerily quiet and Johnny made his way to the study. Brook was sitting by the fireplace, with a glass of red wine in her hand. He noticed that the newly purchased bottle of wine that was at her feet was almost empty. Her eyes fell to him and they were full of accusation and hurt.

"Where have you been?" she asked, bringing the glass up to her lips.

"I went for a walk… I didn't think that you wanted to see me after I had that memory…" he said quietly and she turned her eyes towards the fire.

"Were you with her?" she ground out.

"What?" he asked.

"Were you with Laura?" she cried.

"Ok, stop it right there…" he said and she threw the glass across the room, shattering it against the wall.

The sound echoed throughout the room and Johnny flinched at the crash. Johnny's eyes flashed to hers as she rose to her feet. Her face was nothing short of livid and her hands were clenched at her sides.

"Excuse me?" she hissed.

"I'm not having this conversation with you right now…" he muttered.

"Well, I'm afraid that's too bad because we're having this conversation! Were you with her, Johnny?" she asked.

"So what if I was? We're friends!" he shot back.

"So are you the type of friends that hang out and talk about the weather or are you the type of friends that sleep together?" she asked, matter-of-factly.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he asked.

"I think you know, Johnny…" Brook hissed.

"No, I'm not sleeping with Laura if that's what you're getting at…" he said.

Her expression changed then. Her eyes went softer and wider. She put her hands over her mouth and tried to suppress a sob. He didn't like doing this to her. He would never want to intentionally hurt anyone but he thought back to that kiss on the docks that he had with her and he knew that if she hadn't stopped, he certainly wouldn't have. Brook managed to compose herself somewhat and she looked up at him and nodded.

"I'm—I'm sorry… I just want the man that I love back! I want our life to go back to the way it was before the accident!" she sobbed.

"Don't you think that not being able to remember is frustrating to me just as much as it is to you?" he asked.

"But you're not even making an effort to remember me!" she cried.

"Damn it, Brook! I can't help what I remember and what I don't! I don't choose not to have any memories of you! It's not something that I can just snap my fingers and everything will be ok!" he yelled.

"It's just hard for me, Johnny! You don't remember me but you remember other people just fine!" she yelled as she pressed her fingertips to her temple and Johnny rolled his eyes.

"I don't think you understand how insensitive you're sounding…" he growled as he sat down on the couch on the other side of the room.

"Me being insensitive? How about you? It's no secret that you're panting after that woman!" she shrieked.

"For the last time, I'm **not** sleeping with Laura!" he roared and she shook her head.

"John… you—you don't understand… you don't remember your past and there are people out there that can use that to their advantage…" she said softly.

"Are you suggesting that Laura is lying to me?" he asked incredulously.

"I'm saying that everyone has things that they don't want to share… and I would just—I'd be careful if I were you, Johnny…" she said.

"Are we still talking about Laura or are we talking about you now?" he spat.

She looked at him as if he had just struck her across the face. She shook her head again and she turned around to walk out of the study, stumbling a little bit from having too much wine. He didn't mean for it to come out harsh like that but he was just frustrated with this entire situation. He got up and followed her up the stairs to the bedroom that they were sharing.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I'm going back to Manhattan… I need to get out of this stupid town… I'll call you when I get to my mother's house…" she said as she began piling some of her clothes into a suitcase.

"That's it? You're just going to take off, just like that?" he asked.

"I just need to clear my head, Johnny… I'll call you when I get there…" she said without turning around to look at him.

He watched her pack her bag and lug it downstairs. He folded his arms and winced as she slammed the door behind her as she left the mansion. Maybe this would be the best thing for them. They probably both needed space. She needed some time to cool down and he needed some time away from her hovering. He made his way back downstairs and into the study. He sat at his father's old desk and opened up his laptop and immediately began doing some research. If there was one thing that he was certain of, it was that he couldn't rely on just stories from other people. He needed some concrete facts. He fished for his cell phone in his pocket and began punching in numbers.

"Ames and Michelson Group… how may I help you?" the operator's voice asked.

"Yes, I'm looking to hire a private investigator…" Johnny said.

* * *

Johnny's kiss still burned on Lulu's skin. She brought her fingertips to her lips as she curled up on her couch. They were just as soft and powerful as she remembered. His kisses were always gentle but commanding… fire and ice… and Lulu shuddered and turned her head into a nearby pillow.

_She hated herself._

Her insides were turning themselves into knots over this man and she couldn't understand why she was allowing this to happen. Johnny had broken her heart so many times and she knew that they could never get back what they had lost. Too much had happened for things just to go back to how they were. She knew this but it was like she didn't want to believe that the impossible could happen. Apparently, Johnny hadn't killed all of her idealistic dreams about true love.

Lulu slid off the couch and headed into the kitchen to make some tea. She hoped that it would help her go to sleep since she knew that after that meeting with Johnny on the docks, her thoughts were immediately going to go to him as she tried to drift off to sleep. She reached up to get a mug from the cabinet when her phone rang. It was fairly late and with most of her family abroad or in completely different time zones, she never expected calls this late.

"Hello?" she asked.

"I need to see you…"

She swallowed hard as Johnny's soft voice came through her cell phone.

"Johnny… it's late… and I don't think it's such a good idea…" she sighed.

"Please…" he begged.

Her heart melted at his voice. That man could talk her into just about anything when he spoke like that.

"Fine… where?" she exhaled.

"Some place where you and I went to…" he said softly.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I want to remember! I want to remember you… I want to know you…" he cried.

She exhaled shakily and tried not to lose control of her emotions. She hated that she was lying to him and that she couldn't tell him that everything that he had remembered was about the two of them. There were so many places that she could take him. The brownstone back in Manhattan was too far to drive and the apartment complex that they had lived in with Maxie got torn down a year after they got married but she knew exactly where to take him.

"Ok… meet me down at the docks in fifteen minutes… we'll walk from there…" she said.

"I'll see you in fifteen…" he said before hanging up the phone. She snapped her phone shut and sighed heavily. What the hell had she gotten herself into with this?

There was no traffic on any of the roads because of the hour and she actually beat Johnny to the docks. She sat down on the bench that she occupied just over six hours ago, where she had kissed Johnny for the first time in four years. She could still taste him on her tongue and that made her break out in goosebumps all over.

"Hey… have you been waiting long?"

She lifted her eyes to see Johnny standing in front of her and she shook her head, unable to form a coherent sentence since she was semi-fantasizing about kissing him again. He sat down next to her and she sighed deeply.

"I'm sorry for… that really awkward phone call…it's been an interesting day to say the least…" he muttered.

"How so?" she asked.

"Brook went back to Manhattan…" Johnny said and Lulu looked up sharply.

"For good?" she asked.

"She said that she needed to go visit her mother… she was… very upset with me today…" he said.

"Why?" Lulu asked.

"Because I went out without telling her and I told her that I was with you when she asked…" he began and she shook her head.

"Why would you do that? I already told you that she was upset by our relationship!" she cried.

"I didn't want to lie to her, Laura…" he said and she laughed bitterly.

"So that makes it ok? As long as you tell your fiancée that you're spending a lot of time with another woman, she shouldn't be upset?" she asked, folding her arms across her chest.

"I'm—I'm just tired of walking on eggshells when I'm around her…" he groaned.

A cold gust of wind brushed past the two of them and she shivered. She couldn't believe that she was standing there, defending Brook's outburst to Johnny. The thought of it made her want to gag but she had to keep her emotions in check. She had come too far to let things fall apart now.

"Come on… it's getting cold…" she said, walking down towards the docks.

"Where are we going?" he asked, standing up.

"Some place warm…" she said, smiling.

They walked down the narrow docks, past the boats that were docked there and she watched Johnny's face take in everything. They came to a stop at a large yacht and they walked across the small bridge to climb aboard the boat. Lulu took her keys out of her pocket and unlocked the door. The cabin was dark as they walked in and she went behind the bar to light a few candles. She looked up and saw Johnny by the blackjack tables, running his fingers over the mahogany wood.

"I've been here before…" he muttered.

"Yes," she exhaled.

"What's this place called?" he asked, looking up at the ornate antique chandelier.

"The Haunted Star…" she said.

His eyes met hers and he smiled. He walked slowly, covering every inch of the casino, feeling every surface underneath his fingertips. All the while, he couldn't stop smiling. It never occurred to her that he hadn't been able to just be on his own with no pressure to remember something. She just watched him silently as he explored every part of the casino.

"It feels familiar…" he said.

"Yeah… we—we used to spend time here… it's my dad's yacht… he made it into a casino…" she explained.

"It's nice… very calm and peaceful…" he sighed as he sat down on the piano bench.

Lulu set down the candles that she had already lit on the bar and walked over to the piano. He ran his fingers over the ivory keys and exhaled deeply. He looked up at her as she leaned against the piano. She couldn't count how many times she would just watch him play piano and watch his fingers move effortlessly across the keys, filling the room with lush melodies that sounded like they were from a dream.

"Thanks for bringing me here… it's like I can breathe a little bit easier when I'm with you… like all the pressure is off me…" he said.

"You're welcome…" she said.

"So, apparently… according to Brook, I can play piano…" he chuckled as he looked down at the keys.

"You were very good…" she said.

"Did I ever play for you?" he asked.

"All the time…" she said, smiling.

"I wish I could remember how to play something…" he muttered.

"Try…" she said.

"What?" he asked, looking up at her.

"Try playing something… you said you wanted to remember… try to remember…" she said.

He sat here for a moment, taking in what she had just said and he nodded. He put his fingers on the keys and she rested her chin on top of the piano, never taking her eyes off him. He was hesitant to press any keys at first but she just waited patiently as he found himself. Then he played that first chord and Lulu closed her eyes and smiled, letting one tear fall down her cheek.

_He was playing Clair de Lune._

She could never bring herself to listen to it after the divorce. No one could ever play it like he could, in her opinion. She always considered it their song because she got her first glimpse into his soul when he first played it for her. She could remember the first time she heard him play it, sitting at the same piano, mind focused on the notes. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

"Are you alright?" he asked, gently rousing her from her reverie.

"Yeah… I was just remembering…" she said, wiping her eye.

He stood up and walked over to her. She closed her eyes as he put his hands on her shoulders. She could feel his breath on her neck and his nose in her hair. Her heart was beating furiously against her chest and her breath was caught in her throat, anticipating his next move.

"Tell me something…" he whispered, as he ran a finger down the back of her neck.

"What?" she breathed.

"Tell me your favorite memory of us…" he said.

He turned her around to face him and she felt her face turn bright red. He smirked as he ran his fingertips through her hair. She bit her bottom lip and lowered her eyes. She heard him chuckle, probably at her obvious embarrassment, and she sighed.

"The first time that we ever made love… was right here…" she said, looking back up at him.

His eyes widened, taken aback by her honesty, but they quickly softened and he curled a lock of her hair around her ear, moving closer and closer towards her lips. She knew that admitting about their first time on the floor of this very casino would give Johnny that opening that he was so desperately seeking and a part of her didn't care. He tilted her chin up to him and he began trailing kisses along her jaw. His fingertips ran across her neck and Lulu felt her knees give out underneath her. Johnny, however, was quick. He scooped her up into his arms and sat her down on the edge of the piano.

"What's on your mind… right now?" he whispered. Her hand instantly went to his cheek and as soon as her skin made contact with his, he closed his eyes and sighed.

"I was just wondering if—if anything is ever truly lost… even when you thought there was no hope…" she breathed.

"Look at me… I'm living proof that nothing is ever lost…" he whispered.

And she kissed him. She cupped his face in her hands and pressed her lips to his with all of the passion that she could muster. For one beautiful moment, she forgot how much this man that was standing in front of her had hurt her. She didn't care that he left her because in that moment, there was nothing but the two of them, stumbling into something, after four years of tears, pain and denial, that felt so right. His arm reached around her waist and pulled her in closer and she sighed dreamily and wrapped her arms around his neck. She felt her back press against the cool black lacquer piano and Johnny's hands wander down to the button of her jeans.

That's when she jolted back into reality.

There was nothing that she wanted more than to have Johnny make love to her over and over again until she forgot her own name on top of that piano. She wanted him so badly and that scared her. She had told Johnny once before that she was afraid to love him because she was afraid of giving him the power to hurt her… and he did… more than once. She had been right all along. Johnny had been the only man that she had ever truly loved and he had been the one to hurt her in the worst way possible.

… _and she couldn't go through that again with him._

"Wait…" she gasped.

"Why?" he asked.

"This is wrong… I—I can't do this…" she whispered.

"You can… and you're very good at it too…" he said, pulling her back to him, but she averted her head.

"Stop it… I can't—I can't be with you, Johnny… ever." Lulu said, pushing him off her.

She slid off the piano and straightened out her hair and pressed her fingertips to her temple. Johnny came up behind her and pressed his lips to the back of her neck but she wasn't going to be swayed.

"Johnny… no… I'm serious…" she said, shrugging him off her.

"What is this about? Your ex?" he asked, putting his hands on his hips.

"You don't understand…" she muttered.

"No, it's not really that hard to understand… you're using your ex-husband as an excuse to not be happy… because you really don't want to be happy… don't you, Laura? Because holding onto all of that pain, helps you hold onto him…" he said.

"Don't talk about things that you don't know, Johnny…" she said softly.

"Then tell me that I'm wrong… tell me that this isn't about your ex-husband…" he demanded.

She closed her eyes and shook her head. Even without his memory intact, he could always see right through her. She wasn't ready to go back there with him and she didn't know if she would ever be. There was so much damage between the two of them and he couldn't even remember.

And that was only the least of their problems.

What would happen if he woke up one morning and remembered everything? If they were together one night and the next morning, he just remembered their entire past? Would he understand why she lied or would he just look at her with disgust? She had already been rejected by him once before and she knew that she wasn't strong enough to hear him say goodbye one more time. Her heart couldn't take it. She shook her head and turned around to walk away, not stopping to look back or to even answer his question.

"So that's it? You're just going to walk away from me?" he asked.

"When you remember… you'll understand…" she said before walking out of the cabin.

* * *

Johnny slammed the door to the deserted house behind him. Laura had left him so frustrated, kissing him one minute and then telling him that they could never be together the next. It was enough to make him want to beat his head against the wall.

"Good evening, Mr. Zacchara…"

Johnny jumped at the sound of the unfamiliar voice and turned around to see an older man standing in his study, holding a large tan envelope. He was relatively short, had circular glasses and had gray hair. The man walked over to Johnny and extended his hand out.

"Arnold Michelson… I'm the private investigator that you hired…" the man said, shaking Johnny's hand.

"Oh… I—I didn't expect you to find anything so soon… I called only a few hours ago…" Johnny said.

"Well, our receptionist told us of your plight and we just did some preliminary work… nothing in too much detail but just something to get the ball rolling…" Arnold said, holding up the envelope in his hand.

"Well, please… have a seat…" Johnny offered.

"Thank you, sir." Arnold said, smiling.

"So, where do we start?" Johnny asked.

"Basic background check… so let's see… Full name… John Anthony Zacchara, born to a Mr. Anthony Zacchara and a Mrs. Maria Zacchara… siblings… a sister, Claudia Antonia Zacchara who appears to be ten years your senior… she's married to a Mr. Nikolas Cassadine and they live in Greece… your birth date… March 29th, 1985… attended St. Mary's school until the 10th grade when you dropped out…" Arnold prattled off.

It was surreal to say the least as Arnold began listing facts about his life, the little things that shape a person. Aunts, uncles, cousins that he knew nothing about, an extensive criminal record that made him shudder, and tidbits of information of a life that didn't seem like it belonged to him. It was like he was being told a story about someone else's life.

"Marital status… divorced…" Arnold continued and Johnny felt his heart stop.

_Nothing could've prepared him for hearing that._

"Wait! I've been married before?" he asked, interrupting.

"Y—Yes… to a Ms. Lesley Lu Spencer… um, let's see here… married on November 27th, 2009 and divorced on May 12th, 2013…" Arnold said.


	9. Stay With Me

**A/N:** Thank you guys for all of your fabulous reviews! I know that I usually don't respond to reviews but I really do love and appreciate them all so keep reviewing… I promise that I read every single one of them… I'm so sorry about the delay with this chapter, I just got back to school and I got hit with a horrible case of writer's block and me being the perfectionist that I am, I wanted the ending to be just as I envisioned it and it took me a while to get here but voila! It's here! Anyway, I'm **super** excited for this chapter and you'll see why :) Happy reading and as always, don't forget to review!

_Will you stay with me, will you be my love?  
Among the fields of barley  
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky  
As we lie in the fields of gold…_

_See the west wind move like a lover so  
Upon the fields of barley  
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth  
Among the fields of gold…_

"Fields of Gold" – Sting

**Chapter 8 – Stay With Me**

Johnny sat on his bed, staring at the ceiling, fists curled up at his sides. His jaw was clenched so tight that he thought that his teeth might break. Johnny's head was swimming ever since the private investigator had told him last night that he was divorced but only one emotion won out in the end.

_Anger._

No one had told him that he had been married for four years. What bothered him about the entire situation was that this wasn't some quickie marriage that could've been dismissed or written off. For four years, he shared his life with another person… and no one thought to tell him. He shook his head. **Brook** never told him, he corrected himself. He couldn't believe that she would keep something like this a secret from him. She was accusing him of cheating on her and keeping secrets when she was the one who was withholding information from him. The hypocriticalness of the entire situation made him want to scream. She was lucky that she ran off to Manhattan when she did because right now, with him as angry as he was, there was no telling what he was going to do.

He slid off his bed, neglecting to pull back the curtains to let in the small amount of sunlight that was outside, and headed downstairs. Whenever he thought that he was making progress with getting his memory back, something would come up and push him back a step. This was pushing him back a freaking mile. Four years of his life, Brook just failed to mention. He was slowly losing hope that he would get his life back. He was just going to stay lost like this forever, not knowing who he was or where to go from here.

A knock at the door brought him out of his desolate thoughts. He walked to the front door and opened it, revealing Arnold Michelson, the private investigator, holding a larger stack of documents and a pleased smile on his face.

"Good morning, Mr. Zacchara… I have the information that you requested…" Arnold said holding up the folder. Johnny nodded and showed the man into the house.

"Can I get you anything? Coffee, maybe?" Johnny asked.

"Oh, no thank you… I just wanted to deliver this information and I'll be on my way…" Arnold said cheerfully and Johnny couldn't help but to be sickened by the man's demeanor.

"That was quick…" Johnny muttered.

"Well, for the considerable fee that you paid… I figured that it was only appropriate to make this case a top priority…" Arnold said.

"Thank you…" Johnny said as they both took seats in the study.

"So, according to the documents… you filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences on February 16th, 2013 but Ms. Spencer fought the divorce…" Arnold began.

Johnny felt his fingers go limp and his coffee mug hit the floor and shattered. Mr. Michelson flinched at the sound of the ceramic cup breaking, luckily it was empty, but Johnny didn't care. It all made sense now. All of those flashbacks were of her.

_His memories were of his wife._

"But—but there has to be more… what was the real reason why we broke up?" Johnny implored, hungry for any piece of information.

"Yes, well I was just getting to that… the details… oh—oh my…" Arnold began.

"What?" Johnny snapped.

"The—the documents clearly state that you admitted that you engaged in an adulterous affair with a Miss Brook Lynn Ashton while you were married to Ms. Spencer…" Arnold stammered.

His stomach immediately went into a freefall upon hearing Mr. Michelson's words. No words passed over his lips in response to the admission. Now it was clear why Brook kept tightlipped about the beginning of their relationship, just citing it as being complicated…

_They were having an affair._

Despite not knowing the full circumstances of the situation, Johnny felt sick to his stomach as he thought about being unfaithful to his wife. The deepest form of betrayal in a marriage… and he committed it. His thoughts went back to his flashback, hearing those screams… hearing her begging him to stay and to make things work and the fact that he knew that he loved her but had done that to her anyway made him want to jump off a building. How could he do that to her? Somehow, he knew that she loved him with every ounce of herself and he was still able to toss her aside like an old newspaper.

"Mr. Zacchara?" he heard Arnold ask.

"Y—Yes?" Johnny asked, looking up at the private investigator.

"I just said that I took the liberty of also providing Ms. Spencer's contact information… but I can see that this is difficult for you… do you want me to continue?" Arnold asked.

"I—I'm sorry… I don't mean to be rude but this is a lot of information to take in… if you could just leave the documents on the desk…" Johnny said and Arnold nodded.

Johnny buried his head in his hands as Mr. Michelson excused himself and a few moments later he heard the front door close. He looked up at the documents on his desk. Those years that Brook tried desperately to suppress were just staring at him. He didn't want to know anymore. He didn't want to know all of the horrible things that he had done. He was too ashamed to even look at the documents and knowing that within that stack of files was his ex-wife's location and her phone number was even more daunting. How could he even begin to face her after everything that he had done? Would she understand or would she slam the door in his face now that he needed her? He sighed heavily and raised his head. The weight of all of this information was suffocating him and he needed to talk to someone. Without hesitating, he immediately went for his phone. He pressed the phone to his ear and closed his eyes as the phone continued to ring.

"Hello?"

"Laura? Please don't hang up…" he pleaded and he heard her sigh on the other end.

"Johnny… you shouldn't call me…" she said.

"I know that we didn't leave things on good terms last night but… I just—I just don't know who else to turn to…" he said.

* * *

Lulu arrived at the deserted Zacchara mansion not too long after getting that phone call from Johnny. What had possessed her to come running to Johnny's side whenever he needed her was beyond her. Everything within her was telling her not to go to the Zacchara mansion but of course, nothing about her and Johnny made sense… not even now. She was just drawn to him like a moth to a flame.

"Johnny?"

She called his name over and over but she didn't hear him respond. She walked into the study and sighed. She had forgotten how many times she had stood there with Johnny, fighting about and fighting for their relationship. This house and all of its memories made her shudder. She made her way over to the window and saw Johnny standing outside on the terrace. His back was to her and his gaze was directed to the gray skies in front of them. She swallowed hard and pushed the door open.

"Johnny…"

He turned around to face her and even though he tried to smile, she could see right through him. Something happened… something big. Completely forgetting that she was upset with him and that she was supposed to be putting distance between the two of them, she walked up to him and wrapped around his neck. She felt him sigh and his arms came around her waist and he buried his face into the crook of her neck. She could let him have this one indulgence before she pushed him away again.

"You sounded horrible on the phone… is everything ok?" she asked as she gently let him go from her embrace.

"I'm sorry for that… I know that I'm the last person that you want to see but I don't have anyone else to talk to…" he said, looking up at her.

"What happened?" she asked.

"I've—I've come into some information about my past…" he began.

"What kind of information?" she asked.

"I hired a private investigator to dig up some stuff on my past and he's come across a name… and I have this person's contact information and I—I don't know if I can do it… I don't know if I can face them, Laura…" he lamented.

"Why? What kind of information did this PI get for you?" she asked.

"I shouldn't tell you… I've already burdened you with too much…" he said, shaking his head in shame.

"If you don't tell me what's bothering you then I can't help you, Johnny…" she said.

"It's—it's irrelevant… truthfully… I just… I wanted to see you…" he said and this time she shook her head.

"Johnny… I can't do this anymore… being around you… it's—it's not good for either of us." Lulu said, backing away from him.

Nothing in the world could've prepared her for the look of hurt on his face. She didn't mean for the words to come out harshly but it was the truth. If she was going to have any luck in saving her sanity, she needed to stay away from him. He opened his mouth to say something but the sharp crack of thunder reverberated throughout the sky and they both flinched.

"You can't or you won't?" he asked, putting his hands into his pocket.

"Both…" she said, looking down at her boots. He let out an exasperated sigh and laughed bitterly.

"So we're back to this… aren't we? I swear… talking to you… opening up to you is like slamming my head into a brick wall, Laura…" he snapped.

His tone was surprising. He was clearly frustrated with her but couldn't he take a hint? She didn't know how much longer she could push him away for. Every single time she was near him, she found herself wanting to be with him more… hating him less and less for everything that he had ever done to her.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Johnny… but I don't know how I can be any clearer… _I don't want you_…" she said through gritted teeth.

"Liar…" he said, walking up to her.

The word made her want to collapse into his arms because he could see right through her exterior. He reached out, taking her by the shoulders, but she couldn't bring herself to look up at him. The rain had started to fall, filling the silence between the two of them. His hand gently caressed the side of her face and she felt her breath leave her body at his touch. His fingers moved slowly from her cheek to under her chin and he tilted her face towards his.

"Why are you so afraid to feel for me?" he asked softly.

"I—I can't… I can't tell you…" she sputtered.

"Yes, you can… you can tell me anything, Laura…" he said but she shook her head.

"Not this…" she wailed.

"Laura… I'm trying here… I really am… and I know that I'm not perfect but I promise you… I won't betray your trust… please tell me why…" he pleaded.

"I can't—I can't trust you, Johnny… that's point… the last time I opened my heart to someone, he betrayed me… instead of coming to me and grieving with me over Aura…" she began before her voice broke off. Realization washed over Johnny's face and Lulu knew that she didn't need to say another word.

"He turned to another woman…" he muttered.

"I will **never** go through that ever again… not with you and not with anyone…" she said, folding her arms across her chest.

"I would never do that to you, Laura!" he cried.

"And what makes you so sure of that, Johnny?" she shouted.

"Because I'm in love with you!" he yelled.

The world seemed to stop after he said that and he seemed just as shocked as she was at his admission. The warning bells inside of her head were going off furiously. She was being drawn back into his web and she was sure that she would never be able to survive another go-around with Johnny, especially because of the precarious situation that they found themselves in. He couldn't love her. There was no way that he could feel that way. He was the one who had left. He was the one who had given her the divorce papers. He was the one that told her that he didn't want her anymore. She suddenly couldn't breathe and her feet were involuntary moving backwards, needing to get away from him and his sudden declaration. She almost didn't notice that she was backing into the rain but she began sprinting onto the grounds. She could hear him calling her name faintly over the sound of the pouring rain but she kept running. She was so tired of running away from him. She had been doing it for four years.

Leaving him at the train station.

Going away to France.

She could almost hear her mother, telling Lulu to stop running and to face him. She had to face her greatest fear: her feelings for Johnny. Her feet slowed to a stop and she turned around and he was standing there, drenched and completely out of breath.

That's when she broke.

She fell to her knees but he swooped in to catch her and she clung to his wet t-shirt as she sobbed. He cradled her head to his chest and rocked her back and forth. Even though he didn't remember, she showed him how deeply he had hurt her.

"You can't love me… you don't even know who I am…" she cried.

"I know all that I need to know… and I promise that I will never do this to you…" he said against her soaked hair.

"You can't promise that… you can't promise me anything!" she cried.

"I can promise that I will love you with everything that I have in me… you just have to give me a chance…" he said, cupping her face in his hands.

Her gaze snapped up to his and her hands slid up his. The warmness behind his eyes melted that last wall that was shielding her heart from him. She knew that she was completely exposed. Her heart was a sitting duck for him to wreck havoc on but she didn't care. Inside, she was screaming for him, wanting to love him… because she did. Her hands cupped his face and she leaned in to kiss him. Their lips met with a passion and a fury that she hadn't felt in forever. After everything that had happened… losing Aura, the affair, the painful divorce… she found herself, with the rain pouring down around the two of them, hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Johnny Zacchara once again.

* * *

He brought her to her feet, never breaking their kiss, and drew her towards him. His hands were on her lower back, melding their bodies together in the rain, and her hands never left his face. She wanted to hold him like this forever. It had been so long since she had been held like this or kissed like this and she didn't want to forget how it felt to be cherished. She felt her feet move underneath her and she noticed that he was bringing her out of the rain. Her eyes opened and she couldn't help but to smile as she realized where they were.

"What is it?" he asked, running his fingertips across her lips.

"Nothing…" she whispered as she shook her head.

"I know that it's not the most romantic spot in the world… with all of the flower pots and garden tools and everything…" he chuckled as he surveyed their location but she shook her head.

"No… it's perfect…" she said, putting a hand on his cheek.

"You're perfect…" he breathed, pressing his forehead to hers.

His breath was warm on her face and his hands found that familiar place at her hips. Despite the fact that they were both soaked to the bone from being in the rain, Lulu had never felt this much heat inside of her. She inched closer to him, her heart pounding inside of her chest with each step, and pressed her lips to the spot right below his earlobe. His breath hitched in his throat and his hands slid up her back and up to her shoulders. He slowly pushed the chocolate brown leather coat off her body and let it drop to the floor. Her hands slid up his chest, peeling his wet t-shirt off his damp skin. She kissed his collarbone softly and she felt his hands tighten around her. Before she knew it, he had turned them around and had her pressed up against the wooden door. Taking one of her thighs into each hand, he hoisted her up against the door and she panted into his mouth, responding to the amazing sensation of his body against hers. Her arms and legs instinctually wrapped around his strong frame as his tongue repeatedly and hungrily invaded her mouth. She hadn't been kissed like this in so long and she thought that she was going to pass out.

"I need you…" she heard him whisper against her neck.

She was too far gone to form a coherent sentence. All she could do was nod her head, consenting to whatever he wanted to do to her. His hands hastily freed her from her button up shirt and her eyes rolled into the back of her head as he ravaged her neck with his lips and he pressed his groin in between her legs. He was firm against her as his hands trailed down to undo the button on her jeans. She felt herself leave the rough surface of the door and it dawned on her that he was carrying her across the garden shed to that chaise lounge that had held the two of them so many times. She detached herself from his torso as they sat before each other. His fingertips trailed from her face, down her neck, and along her collarbone. He peppered soft kisses along her neck and she twisted her fingers through his damp hair. She heard the clattering of his belt buckle and then the gentle thud when he tossed his jeans across the room. All of this time, his lips never left her skin. She had almost forgotten how skilled he was at undressing the two of them while keeping her occupied. With a few quick snaps of material, she found herself completely bare before him.

Stripped of all clothes and reservations.

His gaze was piercing and smoldering. The dark intensity behind his eyes spoke volumes to what he planned on doing to her all night but he surprised her once again by wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her on top of him. She could feel the heat rush to her cheeks as she realized that she was sitting astride him. He noticed her coyness and eased her slight embarrassment with a soft kiss, gently lowering her down on top of him. She held his face in her hands as he slowly slid inside of her, never breaking their gaze. Her hands came to his chest, feeling his heart pounding furiously, and he quickly took her mouth in a dizzying kiss. His hands came to her waist and he began moving her, slow and torturous at first, savoring every moment of this feeling that they had been denied for so long. She gently pushed him so that he lay flat on his back and took over their slow rhythm. She felt a warmness begin to pool deep in her core and her sharp breaths evolved into soft uneven whimpers of pleasure. His arm rose and his fingertips knotted through her hair and brought her down to kiss him. As soon as she was lying on top of him, he rolled her onto her back, hitching one of her legs around his waist.

"Johnny…" she panted.

She could barely get his name out before he pressed his lips to hers again. That tiny warmness that she had felt was spreading, coursing like fire through her veins, and she was slowly losing control of her body to the intoxicating rhythm that they were creating together. His lips broke from hers and his grip on her tightened as he uttered a low groan against her neck, clearly starting to feel the same intensity as she was. Her arms wrapped around his back and she arched her back, pressing her chest against his, letting a small cry betray her lips. She involuntary tensed as her release rippled throughout her body. His rhythm, once consisting of smooth even strokes, gradually became erratic. With every move that he made, one thought echoed through her mind.

_Make me forget…_

It became a mantra in her brain and she did. All of those moments that she was holding onto as a way to distance herself from Johnny slowly began to fade into the background. She was in this moment right now with him and nothing was going to stop her from being with him.

Not their tumultuous past.

And not their uncertain future.

She had waited for so long… denied herself for so long and she couldn't hold out any longer. They needed each other in a way that couldn't be explained in simple terms. Even with the past erased, they still wanted each other over anyone else and that quickly stamped out any lingering doubts about the two of them. She felt herself getting lost again in his body and she placed her hands on his hips, wanting to go over that edge one more time. His breath was becoming shallower as he continued his movements inside of her. With one final push and a deep moan from Johnny, they came together, falling over that edge in each other's arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck, holding his trembling body to her chest, and breathed deeply. He layered soft kisses along her collarbone once he regained his composure and she closed her eyes as his lips brushed against her skin.

"No regrets?" he asked, raising his head towards her.

His eyes were weary as he looked at her. Her fingertips ran across his chiseled features and she smiled dreamily. She pulled him into a deep kiss, the pads of her fingertips smoothing over his cheek. He had gotten his answer in that one gesture. There was nothing to regret. She had finally found her way back to him. After what seemed like a lifetime apart, he had come back to her. Looking at him, she couldn't see the man that had destroyed her but only man that she knew, the man that she had fallen in love with all of those years ago.

_Make me forget everything that you've done…_

And he had.


	10. In the Air Tonight

**A/N**: Thank you guys for your awesome reviews! I'm constantly amazed by how incredibly nice you all are and how much you're really enjoying this story :) Ok, so I really wanted to hurry up and get this chapter out because I know that there's probably going to be a delay with the next one and that's only because I go to school in Washington, DC and of course it's inauguration weekend (yay!!!) and I'm hardly going to be at my computer to start the next chapter :) I know that with the way that this chapter is going to end, you're probably going to kill me but I promise that when I have the time, I'm going to work on the next one! Alright, happy reading and don't forget to leave another one of your lovely reviews!!

_Well I remember, I remember don't worry…  
How could I ever forget?  
It's the first time… the last time we ever met  
But I know the reason why you keep your silence up…  
No, you don't fool me  
The hurt doesn't show  
But the pain still grows  
It's no stranger to you or me…  
And I can feel it coming in the air tonight…  
Oh lord... _

"In the Air Tonight" – Phil Collins

**Chapter 9 – In the Air Tonight**

Johnny was riding the heels of an enormous high. Something happened when he and Laura had come together. He couldn't remember his past or any other romantic relationships that he had ever had but he was sure that this was something different.

It was so much bigger with her.

Like everything in the universe had fallen into place.

He sighed and pressed his lips to the back of her shoulder. She shifted in her sleep, letting a soft sigh pass over her lips as they curled up together on that chaise lounge. Her hair smelled like a mixture of strawberries and rainwater and he never wanted to smell anything else. There was nothing besides them. The outside world didn't exist as far as he was concerned.

Suddenly, the room began to dissolve around him and voices echoed through his ears, jarring him from his false sense of security.

_He's standing in what seems to be a dining room. It's late and the only light that is present in the room comes from two lit candles on the table. She's sitting across the table from him with her head hung and she's holding a glass of wine in her hand. The candles have almost completely melted and it dawns on him that she was waiting for him to come home. Aware of his presence, she raises her head slowly, letting him see her tearstained cheeks and a sickening feeling rushes throughout his body._

"_You came…" she whispers._

"_I almost didn't…" he says, putting his hands in his pockets._

_He can't even look her in the eye, knowing all that she still wants him after everything that he's done. It makes him love her even more and makes him hate himself. He doesn't deserve her. He has to save her from this hell. He has to destroy her in order to free her from him. She pushes the chair back and walks over to him. He can barely make out her features in the dark room but he knows that she probably looks beautiful as always._

"_It doesn't matter… you're here now…" she says, cupping his face in her hands._

_He removes her hands from him, trying to stomach what he was about to do. It's killing him inside to break her like this but he has no choice. She could do so much better than him. She would do so much better than him._

"_This—this doesn't change anything, Lulu…" he says. Hearing her name is hard for him._

"_But you're here! I know that you still love me, Johnny!" she cries._

"_I'm here to—to make you stop fighting the divorce…" he says through gritted teeth._

"_Nothing you can say or do will ever make me stop loving you…" she says, holding his hand._

_She shouldn't have said that. He knows that she's wrong and that even though she's forgiven him for a lot over the years, there was no going back from this. He swallows hard, knowing that he has to shatter her heart. He looks her square in the eye and says those five words that he knows will destroy his marriage forever._

"_I slept with someone else…" he says._

_Her head snaps up to his and he can see a myriad of emotions running though her eyes. He hates how it's come to this and he immediately wants to fall to her feet, apologizing and begging her for forgiveness but he remains unmoved, despite the sadness in her eyes._

"_I don't believe you… you're just trying to push me away because of what happened to Au—" she begins but he shakes his head violently._

"_It's the truth, Lulu… I slept with someone else… I've—I've been sleeping with her for a while now…" he says, no longer able to look at her. He's too ashamed of himself._

"_How—how could you do this to me, Johnny? I gave you my heart! My life! I gave you everything that I had!" she cries._

_She covers her mouth with her hands and sobs. He shuts his eyes and clenches his fist. He's fighting back the urge to go to her. All he wants to do is to wrap his arms around her and tell her that it didn't mean anything to him. He wants to tell her that there's no one else for him but her but he can't. He's already done enough to hurt her and to try and make things work would just destroy her even more than she already is. She turns away from him and begins to walk back over to her chair._

"_Lulu…" he starts but she raises her hand to silence him._

"_No… don't even say another word. I can only take so much, Johnny… I can take your silence, I can take how you won't look me in the eye anymore… I can understand that… after everything that we've been through… I can understand that you're hurting… but—but the fact that you went to someone else… the fact that you found comfort in someone that wasn't me… I—I __**cannot**__ forgive you for that…" she says._

_He swallows hard as her voice breaks. Her back is still facing him and another wave of sobs take over her body. He wants to leave. He needs to leave. Seeing what he's done to her makes him want to die on the inside. He knows that he's a coward because he can wreck destruction like this but cannot stomach the aftermath. She exhales deeply and turns around to face him._

"_You want me to stop fighting the divorce? Fine… because __**I'm done**__… I'm so done, Johnny… I'm not going to put anymore energy into something that you obviously don't want to save…" she says._

"_I'm sor—" he starts._

"_No… don't you dare tell me you're sorry! No more lies, Johnny… because you're not sorry… you're not sorry at all…" she cries._

"_Lu…" he says and her fury rises as he mutters her pet name._

"_Get out! Get the hell out of my house!" she screams._

_Her words drive him backwards, knowing that he was successful in his attempts to drive her away. He expects to feel relieved that she's finally free of him but it doesn't make him feel better. He feels as if he's swallowed a fifty pound weight. He ducks into the hallway and closes his eyes as he hears her crying in the next room along with glass shattering against the wall. He winces at the sound of her destroying the china that they received for their wedding and he clenches his fist._

_He __**was**__ sorry. He was sorry that it had to come to this and it broke his heart that the one time he was telling the truth, she didn't want to hear it._

Suddenly, he felt a warm hand come to his face and his eyes shot open. The room was hazy as his eyes focused and his breathing slowed to a normal pace. Laura was holding his face in her hands and her eyes were worried.

"Johnny? Johnny, are you alright?" she asked, gently caressing his cheek.

"Laura?" he asked as his eyes struggled to focus.

She nodded and pressed her lips to his forehead. The tension in his body was slowly diffusing from his body and he began to relax in her arms. He closed his eyes and exhaled deeply as she ran her slim fingers through his hair.

"What happened?" he asked.

"You were tossing and turning in your sleep… and muttering something… is everything ok?" she asked softly and he shook his head.

"I'm—I'm scared, Laura…" he confessed.

"Why?" she asked, turning his face towards her.

He sighed heavily and he wrapped his arms around her lower waist as she curled against him. Her eyes were bright, beautiful and full of concern. All he could think about was what she would think if she knew the truth. Her husband had cheated on her and left her and she was just starting to open up to him.

How could he tell her that he did the same thing to someone else?

Surely she would never look at him in the same way ever again. He didn't want to know anything else about his past, afraid of what kind of a monster he was before his accident. He didn't want to know what he was capable of. He didn't want to know what he could do to Laura, who only deserved the best.

"I'm—I'm so sorry, Laura…" he whispered.

"For what?" she asked.

"For your husband…" he said and she sat up quickly, clearly surprised that he would bring up her ex-husband at this point.

"W—What?" she stammered as he sat up to meet her.

"He betrayed you and I'm sorry… you—you deserve so much better… better than me even…" he said, shaking his head.

She tilted his head up to her and smiled slightly. Her hand then fell to his chest and she kissed him sweetly on the lips. His insides felt like they could melt at her touch. He knew that he didn't deserve her but as long as she wanted him, he would fight like hell to have her.

"Why don't you tell me what's bothering you…" she whispered, scooting closer to him.

"When I told you that I found out some information last night… I—I found out that I was married and cheated on my wife…" he said.

"Oh… I'm—I'm sorry that you had to hear it like that…" she said softly.

"And I know that your husband cheated on you and I just want—I want you to know that I would **never** do that to you… hurting you is the last thing I want to do…" he said, meeting her eyes. She pressed her forehead to his and smiled slightly.

"I believe you…" she breathed, raising her head to look at him.

He exhaled deeply at her words, like a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders. The fact that she believed him meant more to him than she could even imagine. She trusted him when she absolutely had no reason to and he wasn't about to break her faith in him.

"I love you…" he whispered, tracing the outline of her lips with his thumb.

"I—I know…" she said before pressing her lips to his again.

* * *

After another round of excruciatingly passionate lovemaking, Lulu turned to Johnny and told him that she needed to go. Although it was the last thing he wanted, Johnny just nodded his head. They both dressed in virtual silence, slipping back into their damp clothes from the night before. She knew that he still felt ashamed of what he had done and a part of her let him make love to her again to ease his fears that she would think less of him.

_If only he knew…_

She picked up her coat off the floor and turned back around towards him. His gaze was focused to the window, looking out at the clear skies above, mind absorbed in thought. She put her hand on the cold doorknob and started to open the door but she suddenly felt a warm hand grasp her free hand.

"Wait…" he exhaled.

He pulled her to him, catching her slender frame in his muscular arms, and caught her mouth in a heated kiss. His hands came to her back and pressed her hard against his chest, making her gasp against his lips.

"I don't want you to go…" he muttered against her skin.

"I don't either… but it's almost noon and I really should get going…" she said, running her fingers over his lips.

"I'll come by later… how's that? I'll take you on a 'proper' date…" he said, smirking.

"Sounds perfect…" she said.

He kissed her again and then released her from his embrace. They didn't say goodbye because they both knew that this was the start of something beautiful and there wasn't any way that they would ever want things to end now. As she pulled away from the Zacchara mansion and headed down that road back home, all she could think about was that night that she spent with him. She felt tears come to her eyes as she remembered. He had been so gentle with her… like he always had been when they were together. She pulled her car into her driveway and turned off the ignition.

"Oh god… what have I done?" she whispered.

That small little speck of the man that she knew had grown and the Johnny that she knew and had fallen in love with had come back to her. She could see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch. He had come back and she was in love with him again. She placed her hand over her aching heart and exhaled shakily.

_It couldn't last._

She loved him with all of her heart and soul and now she knew that nothing could ever change that. No matter how hard she tried to deny her feelings or how fast she tried to run away from them. Her heart would always belong to Johnny. She wiped the tears that were falling from her eyes.

_It wouldn't last._

How could it? She was lying to him in the worst way possible. She knew that he was close to finding out the truth about their past. How much longer could she keep this charade going without slipping up? She had already had one too many close calls and it was only a matter of time until he found out the truth or remembered their past. Then that would be the end. He wouldn't be able to forgive her for lying to him about their past. If there was one thing that she knew about Johnny, it was his inability to trust the people around him. It was an innate defense mechanism that he had to develop when he was growing up with his sadistic father. He let her in and she had betrayed that trust by lying to him. She had justified it before with wanting to protect herself from him but now she knew better. There simply wasn't a force that could ever stop her from falling in love with Johnny again… and now she was stuck. If they spent more time together, he was bound to remember something and then he would know the truth, and if she told him the truth, she knew that he wouldn't be that understanding, no matter how much she tried to make him believe her.

Either way… she knew that she was going to lose him forever.

* * *

Johnny's mind was moving at a million miles per second as he drove down the main highway. He had to keep his hands from trembling as he gripped the steering wheel, heading towards the unknown. He had swallowed hard and resolved to face what he had done. He looked over to the empty passenger seat and saw the file that his private investigator had given him. The sheet of paper with Lulu Spencer's contact information sat on top of the tan folder, staring dauntingly at him. He probably should've called her first but he figured that he should be brave and rip the band-aid off quickly instead of peeling it back slowly and painfully.

"You can do this…" he muttered to himself.

He turned the wheel, taking his car off the highway, and things seemed familiar to him but it was different this time. He recognized some of the small stores along the street as he passed them by but he knew that it wasn't like before. These memories didn't seem dormant but fresh in his mind. He made another turn and headed into a quaint residential area and the feeling just got stronger and stronger.

"1601… 1603… ok, there's 1605…" he mumbled as he read the address numbers on the mailboxes.

He pulled up to the house and turned off the ignition. He looked up at the house and like a train, it hit him. The house that he was parked in front of was Laura's house… or looked exactly like it. His stomach did an uneasy flip at the eeriness of the situation. He shook his head, thinking that his realization was completely ridiculous and headed towards the house. His hands shook violently as he headed up the steps to the porch. What was he going to say to her? Would she even talk to him? Hesitantly, he raised his hand and pushed the doorbell, submitting to his fate.

"Hold on! I'll be right there!"

Johnny felt the earth drop below his feet at the sound of her voice. This had to be a mistake. He heard footsteps from inside the house grow louder and the front door quickly swung open, revealing Laura.

"Johnny? What are you doing here? I thought that you were going to stop by later…" she said, smiling as she leaned against the doorway.

"I—I must have the wrong address…" he said, completely shocked to see her standing before him.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"My private investigator gave me this information on my ex-wife…" he began and he handed her the folder. The smile that she had immediately faded and all of the color drained from her face.

"Johnny…" she whispered as she began leafing through the file.

"He said that she lived here… 1605 Maple Grove Drive… he obviously—he obviously made a mistake… Lulu Spencer can't live here…" he said, trying to make sense of this situation.

She looked up at him and she was already crying. His heart clenched in his chest and he knew that something huge had just happened. Laura closed the file and held it close to her chest. She put a hand over her mouth in order to calm herself down and Johnny began to brace himself for whatever was next.

"It's not—it's not a mistake, Johnny…" she finally said.

"Wh—What do you mean?" he asked.

She exhaled sharply and took his hands in hers, in a beseeching kind of way and he knew that whatever she had to say was serious. What she had to say would change everything.

"My name… my name isn't Laura Webber… _it's Lulu Spencer_…"


	11. Lost and Blown

**A/N**: I know that this chapter is super late but since classes were cancelled today, I had a ton of free time to finish this chapter off and it's fairly long, so I hope that makes up for the tardiness. I'm not exactly sure if I like how I wrote this chapter but I just want to get it out to you guys! Thanks for being so patient and awesome! Oh and I have a poll on my profile about my next series so please vote on that!! Alright, happy reading and don't forget to leave a review!!

_Send a heartbeat to  
The void that cries through you…  
Relive the pictures that have come to pass  
For now we stand alone  
The world is lost and blown  
And we are flesh and blood disintegrate  
With no more to hate…_

"The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" – The Smashing Pumpkins

**Chapter 10 – Lost and Blown**

"Please say something, Johnny…"

Lulu flinched as Johnny ripped his hand from her grasp. He backed away instinctually, never looking up at her. She felt the lump in her throat grow at an astronomical pace as it threatened to choke her. This was exactly what she didn't want to happen. She didn't want Johnny to find out this way. He finally looked up at her and the shock on his face hadn't diminished.

"You're—You're Lulu Spencer?" he managed to get out.

"Yes…" she exhaled.

"Oh my god…" he whispered.

He turned away from her and ran his fingers through his hair. She found herself following him as he walked down the steps of her porch. She knew that this day had to come. She knew that they were living on borrowed time and he would soon find out that she was the ex-wife who haunted his forgotten memories. Johnny stopped before he could get to his car and put his hands on top of his head and looked up at the darkening sky. She put her hands on his shoulders but he shrugged them off quickly, as if her touch disgusted him.

"I—I never meant to hurt you, Johnny…" she began and he scoffed at her admission.

"You never meant to hurt me… right…" he muttered, still with his back to her.

"I didn't tell you the truth because I wanted to protect myself…" she said.

"From me?" he cried, turning back around to face her.

"Yes! I—I couldn't tell you what we were to each other because I didn't want to relive our past… it was too painful the first time around…" she said.

"I can't believe you… I trusted you, Laur—" he said but realized his slip and gritted his teeth.

"I'm **so**… so very sorry, Johnny… I never meant any of this to happen…" she sobbed.

"What did you mean to happen? Were you ever going to tell me the truth or were you going to just let me keep thinking that you were just some random girl that I had no past with?" he asked.

She shook her head and covered her mouth with her hands. This was almost too much. His voice was loud and disdainful, just like it had been when he left her and she knew that he was about to do it again. She barely came out of that in one piece. This time would surely destroy her.

"I can tell you that I'm sorry as many times as you can stand to hear it… I'm sorry, Johnny… I didn't expect this to happen… I was supposed to be getting over you and then there you were… as if being in this damn town wasn't hard enough with the memories… you just came back into my life and I—I panicked." Lulu explained but Johnny just shook his head.

"I can't believe that you're going to defend yourself with that! How could you hold me responsible for something that I didn't remember doing?" he asked.

"That's exactly my point, Johnny… you don't remember how we were… you don't remember what we went through and what you put me through while we were married… but I do… I remember every single painful moment of it! Damn it, Johnny! You broke me and you didn't even care! What was I supposed to do? Just let you waltz back into my life so you could do it all over again?" she screamed.

"So all of that talk about the husband that left you… that was—that was me?" he asked.

She hung her head and nodded sadly. She saw him clench his fist and he turned away from her sharply. She reached out to grab his arm but he wouldn't let her touch him. Tears slipped from her eyes as he snatched his arm away from her. She knew that it would be hard for him to understand but she was hopeful that he wouldn't be that angry with her but obviously, she had thought wrong.

"I can't believe this…" he muttered.

"Please, Johnny…" she begged.

"Please? Please what? What do you want me to do, Lulu? What am I supposed to say to that? You lied to me… over and over again… you knew all along who I was and you said nothing! I—I can't even look at you… I don't even know who you are anymore…" he said.

"Don't say that… please…" she cried, grasping his jacket.

"Why? Why should I believe anything that you have to say to me?" he yelled.

"Because I love you!" she screamed.

For a moment, she thought that she had broken through his anger. For a fleeting second, she thought that his face would soften and he would take her in his arms and he would tell her that he loved her too. She saw the conflict flicker in his eyes, knowing how difficult it had been to get back to this place where she could say those words freely to him.

_She hoped._

He closed his eyes and shook his head, casting those words aside like they meant nothing to him, just as he had done four years ago. She pressed her fingertips to her temple and cursed internally. How did she get here again? Here she was, pouring her heart out to him and he was able to dismiss it like it was nothing. She promised herself that she would never do this again but perhaps she was a masochist. She couldn't help but to bleed for Johnny. She loved him so deeply and so profoundly that maybe she didn't care what it did to her. Holding onto the painful memories of their life together was her way of holding onto him.

_She held on with all of her might to that hope._

* * *

Nothing in the world could've prepared him for hearing those four words pass over her lips. She loved him. She had said those words that an hour ago would've made him the happiest man on the planet. Now, those words were a maddening paradox. She loved him but she had lied to him about her name and their past and he couldn't reconcile the two sides.

"If… **if** you loved me… you would've told me the truth… you would've done everything that you could to help me…" he said.

"If I loved you?" she asked, as if that was the most ridiculous statement that she had ever heard.

"You can't tell me that you love me but not tell me what we were to each other, Lulu!" he yelled.

"When was I supposed to tell you? That night at Jake's? I thought that after the divorce… I was never going to see you again… and then you just turn up at Jake's, claiming that you had no memory of us… was I supposed to just lay it all out there in that parking lot? Just tell you that you cheated on me and then left me after Aura died?" she cried.

They both caught her slip about Aura at the same moment. She covered her mouth with her hands and looked up at him in horror. It was written all over her face. The guilt that had been in her eyes had just increased tenfold. How could he have been so blind? The fear in her eyes when Lulu had caught him holding that baby blanket in his hands… the evasiveness in Brook's voice when he mentioned children that he might have had…

_Oh god._

"Aura was—oh my god… she was our—our daughter…" he whispered.

He saw the tears rush to her eyes and she nodded meekly. His heart clenched at her wordless admission and he felt his stomach drop to his feet. His breath caught in his throat and he backed away from her. Aura was their daughter.

His daughter.

His head was spinning, so furiously that he could barely stand straight. This was too much. The daughter that Lulu had told him about, the daughter that she had mourned for so long… that was his daughter. He couldn't even remember his own daughter and the woman that was standing in front of him, the woman that he thought that he loved, kept that from him. The thought of it made him sick to his stomach. His own disgust crept into his throat and threatened to choke him.

"I have to get out of here…" he said, backing away.

"Johnny… wait... please…" she begged, grasping to his arm.

Her touch burned his skin and he ripped his arm away from him. He could hear her sobbing behind him as he opened his car door. He didn't dare look up as he fumbled with his car keys. His heart was pounding against his chest so loudly that it thundered in his ears. All he could think about was getting the hell away from her. All of the lies were dragging him down, drowning him in darkness. He turned on the ignition and looked up and saw her standing on the steps of her porch, crying and begging him to stay. He thought about how many times he had seen her like that but he shook his head.

_This time he wouldn't be back._

He shifted the car into reverse and backed away from the house hastily. He saw her crumple into a heap on the steps and he sped away, leaving her behind. He couldn't stand to be there for another second. Then, it was almost impossible to tell which was heavier: the lies or the truth. Did his hatred for Lulu and her lies outweigh the hatred he felt for himself? He reached for the knob on his stereo and turned up the volume in order to drown out the internal screaming that was plaguing his mind. The road ahead of him was quickly slipping into the darkness as the sun set behind the trees and he decided to pull over. He needed to calm down before he started driving again. He turned off the ignition and sat in silence. He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to the steering wheel. He shuddered as another memory crept up his spine and pulled him back down into the abyss.

"_She's going to be ok… tell me that she's going to be ok, Johnny…"_

_He looks over at her and sees her staring straight ahead into the small room. In her hands is the yellow baby blanket, clasped in her fingertips like a lifeline. She's thinner than he would like and she's definitely paler than usual but he says that it's because she's been worried for months. Her eyes are lost and distant as she watches the doctor's every move as they work swiftly in order to save their baby's life._

"_Aura is going to be ok… she—she's strong… like her mom… remember?" he says, hoping that he can put her overworked mind at ease._

_She nods without even blinking. He puts his hand on the curve of her back and she puts her head on his shoulder. For the first time in his life, he's scared to death but he can't tell her. If he breaks, he knows that she will shatter into a million pieces. He doesn't like to lie to his wife but if they lost Aura, they would never be whole again. _

_He knew that for sure._

_He closes his eyes and buries his nose in his wife's golden blond hair, inhaling the sweet smell of her shampoo. He can't bring himself to look inside of the room as the doctors work frantically to save Aura. When he opened his eyes, his seven month old daughter would be fine. She would be smiling and giggling like all babies were supposed to do. She had spent too much of her tiny little life in the confines of hospitals and not the nursery that Lulu had spent months decorating in their brownstone._

"_Johnny! Johnny… what're they doing?" he hears her ask as she tugs on his jacket._

_His eyes snap open and he looks in to see the doctors step away from the hospital crib. The main doctor shakes his head and tosses his scrub cap to the floor. In that moment, Johnny feels his knees begin to give out underneath him but he can't let Lulu see him waiver. He has to be strong for her. The doctor leaves the nurses as they begin gathering up the used supplies and comes out of the room. Lulu's eyes are already glassy as she holds onto Aura's blanket for dear life and Johnny braces himself for the blow that they are about to be dealt._

"_I'm sorry…" the doctor simply says._

_He can feel her grip on his arm tighten and her face is set in disbelief as she looks at the somber faced doctor. His heart drops to the floor upon hearing those words from him. The rest of the medical jargon washes over him because it's all useless now. All of the fancy words and definitions couldn't bring his daughter back._

"_No… no… no!! She's not gone! She can't be! She's just—" Lulu sobs._

_Before she can say another word, he wraps his arms around her and crushes her to his chest. She fights him at first. Her hands are beating against his skin as she cries hysterically. The physical bruises from her fists he knows will fade in time but the emotional ones from her screams will haunt him for the rest of his life. All he can do is just try and hold onto her, to keep her anchored in this terrible storm that they were weathering through._

"_You're lying! You're a liar! Our baby is not dead! Do you hear me? Johnny, tell him! Tell him that our baby can't be—she just can't be—" she screams but he just shushes her and rocks her back and forth, trying to calm her down because that's all that he can do._

"_I'm—I'm sorry for your loss… you can—you can go and say your goodbyes before we—we take her downstairs…" the doctor says calmly._

_He looks up to the window and he can see her now, lying so still underneath that sterile white hospital blanket. His breath catches in his throat but he is able to walk Lulu over to the door. Her limbs are shaking as they enter the small room. He stops and watches her go forward, moving cautiously towards their daughter. He can hear her whimpering as she nears the crib._

"_Mr. Zacchara? I need you to sign these forms… to release the body…" he hears a nurse say as he's handed a clipboard._

_The bile in his throat rises as he stares at the forms in front of him. He silently nods his head and takes the clipboard, stoically signing the sheets of paper allowing the hospital to release his daughter's body. He shoves the papers back to the nurse and she leaves quickly. He looks up at his wife to see her stroking Aura's silky dark brown hair. The tears that are falling from her eyes catch the light as they slide down Lulu's cheeks and he just wants to curl up in the corner and die. He promised himself that he wasn't going to break but know he's dangerously close._

"_Aura… my beautiful little baby girl… mommy loves you so much… and she will for the rest of her life… mommy and daddy love you so much…" she whispers._

_She bends over and places a soft kiss on her forehead before she breaks down again but this time he can't hold back. He can't stand to see his wife standing over their daughter's still body. It was just so wrong. That was his little girl in there. He was the first one to hold her when she came out as a crying and pink but beautiful mess. She had his eyes and her mother's pouty lips. She was perfect._

_And she's gone._

_He's suffocating and he needs to get out of there or else he too will die. He makes a hasty exit from Aura's hospital room, nearly knocking over a nearby nurse but he just has to get away from everything. He stumbles into a deserted corridor and presses his back against the wall. His legs finally give out from underneath him and he collapses to the floor, head in hands, shaking and crying harder than he had ever done in all of his life._

_He wasn't strong enough for this._

_He wasn't strong enough to watch his wife kiss their daughter goodbye like this. He hears his name being called but he can't look up. He knows that she's looking for him but he doesn't want to be found. He feels someone sit beside him and he knows that it's her. She links her arm around his and puts her head on his shoulder._

"_Johnny…" she sobs._

"_I—I can't do this… I have to get out of here…" he whispers before rising to his feet._

"_I'll go with you…" she said, grasping his hand but he gently pushes her hand away._

"_No… I—I need to be by myself right now…" he says, even though he wants nothing more than to hold her in his arms and never let go._

"_Johnny… please don't shut me out… we need each other right now…" she begs._

_He says nothing in response to her plea and only turns away and walks down the hallway, ignoring her as she continues to call out to him._

Johnny sat up with a start, clutching his chest as his heart threatened to burst through his skin. He could still hear Lulu's voice ringing in his ears as she cried out for him and it made his blood run cold. He had simply just walked away, walked away from everything that had meant something to him and he couldn't forget her words as they argued just minutes ago.

_You broke me…_

He didn't deny it. He did break her. Walking away at the hospital had been the first small fracture that would later lead to complete destruction. Right now, he hated himself more than he hated Lulu for lying. If he had just taken her hand instead of walking away… if he had stopped walking when she called his name… tears sprung to his eyes as he pressed his forehead to the steering wheel and sobbed.

He had just seen the beginning of the end.

* * *

Lulu pulled into the driveway, tears and mascara streaming down her face. She sniffed as she unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car. She knew that it was late but it didn't matter. She nearly tripped on the porch steps but she managed to make it to the front door and she knocked. The house was dark but she kept knocking. She saw the lights in the living room turn on and the door opened.

"Lulu?"

She wiped her eyes and saw Jax, Carly's husband, sleepily clad in a navy blue silk robe, standing before her. He took in her state and he seemed to snap out of his trance.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"Is Carly here?" she asked.

"Jax? Who's at the door?"

Carly appeared at the top of the stairs and she took in Lulu's state and immediately rushed down the stairs, almost shoving her husband aside to get to her cousin.

"Sweetie, are you ok? What's wrong?" Carly asked, cupping Lulu's face in her hands.

"My life is over, Carly… it's—it's over…" Lulu sobbed.

Carly took Lulu in her arms and held her tightly. She just needed to be with someone who would tell her that everything was going to be ok even when she knew that it wasn't going to be alright. She needed to hear that small white lie in order to get her through the night. Jax went inside to get Lulu some water from the kitchen as Carly brought Lulu into the living room and sat down on the couch.

"Shhhh… it's going to be ok, Lulu… you'll see… everything is going to be fine…" Carly sighed.

* * *

Johnny pulled his car into the garage and turned off the ignition. This day had been one of the craziest that he had ever had… at least since his accident. He had woken up in the arms of a woman that he thought that he could love forever only to find out that she was his ex-wife and the mother of his deceased daughter.

He needed therapy.

For once, he was glad to be by himself. He was going to need some quiet in order to sort out his thoughts and feelings. The way that they were jumbling around in his mind was giving him a massive headache. He pushed the door open to the house and wandered into the study. He shrugged off his jacket and tossed it onto the couch next to the liquor cart.

"Johnny…"

He turned around and saw Brook standing behind him. She was holding her favorite Betsey Johnson bag in her hand and he saw that her suitcase was parked in the doorway. He must've missed it when he walked into the study. She walked over to him and gently placed her hand on his cheek. The sensation of her skin on his acted as a catalyst and he felt himself falling back into the past again.

_He's pounding on what looks like a door to a hotel room. He's completely drenched and shivering. The black peacoat that he was wearing wasn't really doing its job to keep him warm._

"_Hold on! I'm coming!" he hears on the other side of the door._

_He keeps banging on the door until it opens. Brook is standing before him in a fluffy white hotel robe and damp brown hair. Her eyes narrow on him and she folds her arms across her chest._

"_What're you doing here?" he asks, softly but not soft enough to hide her anger._

"_I—I know that you're upset with me…" he begins and she scoffs._

"_Damn it, Johnny... you told me—you told me that you were going to try and work things out with Lulu… you told me not to call and you told me that we shouldn't see each other anymore…" she growls._

_His jaw twitches at the sound of his soon to be ex-wife's name and he looks down at the carpet. He's weak and he knows it. He doesn't know what possessed him to come to her door because it's the last place he wants to be. He looks up at Brook and he can't see how beautiful she is but only how she's not Lulu. He can't stop thinking about how all he wants is to be at his brownstone with his wife curled up in his arms. But he can't blame Brook for that because he chose to ruin his marriage. He chose to shut Lulu out and make her run as fast and as far as her legs could take her. He had made his bed and now he was going to have to lay in it._

"_I—I know…" he says sadly._

"_And why are you all wet? Did you walk all the way over here from the brownstone?" she asks, taking in his sodden appearance._

"_No… from Grand Central…" he says, shaking his head._

"_Why were you there?" she asks, ushering him inside._

"_It doesn't matter anymore…" he mutters as he sits down on the edge of her bed. He looks up at her and she's staring at him, scrutinizing his face, and she then averts her eyes._

"_She—she left you… didn't she?" Brook asks and he curses internally how she can read him so well._

"_I don't want to talk about it…" he growls._

"_Johnny, I'm not going to be anyone's second choice! Just because your wife didn't take you back doesn't mean that you can just waltz right back in here and try to pick up where we left off!" she yells._

"_Did I say that's what I want? I came here because I couldn't stand to go back to that house… to be alone in that house with all of its stupid memories!" he yells back._

_He buries his face into his hands and exhales deeply. There was a huge hole in his chest that was aching without Lulu and he needed something to distract him from the pain. Brook had done a good job with it before. When he was with her, he could set aside the pain and the despair and breathe a little easier. But as time wore on, the novelty of it all wore off. He didn't want to escape anymore. He just wanted his life back to the way it was. He wanted his family back but he had made too many mistakes and he couldn't have it back. He feels her sit down beside him and her arms wrap around his shoulders._

"_Johnny… I'm sorry…" she whispers._

_He nods slowly and closes his eyes. She pushes his wet hair back and presses a kiss to his temple. She doesn't know that she's agreeing to the very thing that she swore that she wouldn't. She would never be first in his heart but he would try his hardest to not let it show. He knows that it would be hard, getting over Lulu, but he knows that it's what he has to do. __He has to let her go__. He sighed and relaxed into her embrace, making sure that she couldn't see the one lone tear roll down his face._

Johnny blinked furiously as the study rushed back into his field of vision. Brook's hand recoiled at his sharp intake of breath and she looked at him curiously.

"What is it? Did you remember something else?" she asked.

So much had happened since she had left this house a few days ago. He was a completely different person than the one that she had left while she ran away to Manhattan. He swallowed hard and nodded slowly.

"Yeah… I remembered a lot…" he said.


	12. Back to Black

**A/N**: I know that this chapter is super late but can't even tell you how hard it was to write this chapter… and on top of the writer's block, I caught what felt like the flu and was out of commission for a while but this is finally done! And I know how much this chapter is needed after last week's gagfest… I mean, last week's General Hospital. But in other news, after this chapter… there's only 2 more chapters plus an epilogue! I finally figured out how to end this thing :) So, as always, thank you so much for your wonderful reviews and for your patience! This chapter is fairly light on the JoLu but it's necessary to move the story along… Anyway, happy reading and don't forget to leave a review!!

_You went back to what you knew  
So far removed from all that we went through  
And I tread a troubled track  
My odds are stacked  
I go back to black_

_We only said good-bye with words  
I died a hundred times  
You go back to her  
And I go back to....  
I go back to us_

"Back to Black" – Amy Winehouse

**Chapter 11 – Back to Black**

Johnny watched Brook blink slowly as his words washed over her. He knew that she might think that this was a miracle because it would be the start of them rebuilding their relationship. He sighed heavily and sat down on the nearby couch.

"W—What does that mean?" she asked softly.

He looked up at her and she was clutching her bag tightly. Her eyes were wide and fearful of his next move. Things had become so volatile between the two of them that it was almost impossible to predict where one of their conversations could head.

"It means… that I know that you lied to me, Brook." Johnny said flatly.

He watched her face turn ashen white at his statement. There was no malice in his voice and there was no need for it to be there because just hearing the words come out of his mouth was all that was needed to make the guilt ooze from Brook's eyes.

"I've never—I've never lied to you, Johnny… I swear…" she said, frantically.

"Don't even try to cover it up, Brook…" he said, shaking his head.

He turned away from her and started to walk away but she quickly latched onto his arm and pulled him towards her. He looked down at her and he saw the glimmer of tears in her eyes, threatening to spill over if he moved another inch. He couldn't help but to sigh again. She was never going to let go. No matter what he did or what he said, neither Brook nor Lulu was ever going to let him go.

"Johnny… please… you have to believe me! I would never ever lie to you!" she cried.

"I find that **really** hard to believe…" he growled.

"What's this really about? Who told you that I lied? Laura?" she asked, the disdain was clear in her voice as she uttered the name of the woman who she still considered to be her rival.

"Did I mention her? This is about you and me!" he shouted back, motioning to the space between the two of them.

"Johnny, can't you see what's happening here right now? She's trying to come between us! She has been ever since that night that you met her!" she cried.

Johnny rolled his eyes. She was grasping at straws because she was quickly losing ground. She knew that she was caught and she was desperately trying to stay afloat. He walked over to the desk and retrieved the extra copy of the file that he had made before heading over to Lulu's house and slammed it on the desk.

"What's that?" she asked.

"The truth… the truth that you and Lulu tried to keep from me…" he ground out.

She reached forward and opened the file and the first thing that she saw was the divorce papers. She leafed through the entire file, detailing every aspect that Brook had neglected to tell him. He heard her exhale sharply and her eyes shot up to his, clearly admitting her wrongdoing.

"Johnny… I never—I never meant to hurt you by not telling you…" she explained.

"Of course you didn't…" he growled.

"I—I lied, ok? I admit it… but I only did it because I love you and I just—" she began sputtering out.

Johnny's hand slowly clenched into a fist upon hearing her begin to rationalize her lies. She had the audacity to look him in the eye and tell him that the reason why she withheld information about his past was because she loved him and that was the most infuriating thing he could think of.

"I can't believe that you and Lulu can both justify your lies by saying that you love me… do you know how insulting that is to me?" he roared.

"I just wanted things to get better for us, Johnny!" she sobbed.

"How? How could things get better when you lie to my face, Brook?" he asked.

"I couldn't tell you about the affair, Johnny… you've **always** resented me for it…" she said, pointing her finger at him accusingly.

"Resented you?" he asked incredulously.

"Yes! Because if you hadn't gotten involved with me, you would still be with Lulu…" she said.

He should've felt sorry for her. He, after all, was the one who brought her into this mess by leading her on. He was the one who made the choice to turn his back on his wife and seek solace elsewhere and when he realized that he had made the wrong choice, he probably did blame Brook for something that was probably not her fault. All she had been guilty of was falling in love with him. He did feel sorry for her, in a small way, but nothing could take the sting out of her betrayal.

"Why would I ask you to marry me then? If I resented you so much for my break-up with Lulu, huh?" he asked, folding his arms.

"You didn't want to be alone… and if you couldn't have 'the love of your life'… then you would just have to settle for me…" she said, sadly.

"How could you still want to be with me if that's what you honestly thought?" he asked, almost repulsed by her devotion to him.

"Because I loved you so profoundly and blindly that I didn't care… I chose to not see all that was staring at me in the face… I naively thought that you needed me and that I was going to be the one who was going to save you from yourself…" she said, brushing the tears away from her eyes.

She turned away from him and walked across the room, heading back over to the couch where she had set down her purse. He watched her as she crossed the room and her engagement ring caught the light as she twisted it around her finger anxiously. He swallowed hard and wondered how he managed to destroy two women's lives just by being loved by them. He surely didn't deserve either of their adoration, did he? He had cheated on Lulu when the worst thing that two parents could ever face hit them and he had lead Brook on for years, with promises of a future that he knew that he would never be able to give her. How could he be worthy of two women who were willing to fight for him?

"But… I slowly began to realize that I couldn't save you, Johnny… because you like holding onto that pain… because it connects you to Lulu… and I that's when I knew that you were never going to get over her…" she said, looking up at him.

He swallowed hard as her words washed over him and he couldn't help but to remember that he had said almost the exact words to Lulu during his misguided quest to win her heart, back when she was simply Laura Webber to him. That pull that he felt towards her on that night that he found her at Jake's was suddenly so clear to him. He had been holding onto her for all of these years deep down and not even the blades of amnesia could break that thread.

"And then the accident happened and when you had no memory of me or of her… I thought that we could have another chance and maybe I could be the one that you couldn't get out of your head for once… maybe you could love me for me and not because of anything that happened between you and Lulu… so tell me, am I a horrible person for that?" she asked, looking at him straight in the eye.

"No… but I just can't sweep it under the rug, Brook. I just—I need some time… by myself." Johnny said, running his fingers through his hair.

"Ok… well, since I'm already packed, I'll just go…" she said, walking over to her suitcase.

"Where will you go?" he asked.

"The Quartermaine Mansion… I owe my grandmother Tracy a visit, anyway…" she said, smiling sadly.

"Can I help you with your bag or anything?" he asked. She walked up to him and put her hand on his cheek. Her skin was warm and soft against his.

"I want you… to take all the time that you need to think… I know that I might be stupid and I'm fighting against destiny or whatever it is that you have with Lulu but… if there's any chance that you could pick me… I want you to take as much time as you need…" she said, putting her hand on his chest.

He nodded and she gave him a soft kiss on his cheek. She then caressed the spot where her lips touched him with her fingertips and backed away. He watched her take her suitcase and head out the door. He sighed and shoved his hands into his pockets. It never occurred to him that he had a choice to make. He knew that he couldn't be angry forever but he wanted to. For both Lulu and Brook to say that they lied to him because they loved him so much made him so angry.

_And he was supposed to choose between the two of them?_

He shook his head. There was no way that he could justify being with someone after they had lied to him about the most important thing in his life. It didn't matter how much he loved Lulu or how badly he felt about what he had done to Brook. He just couldn't do it. His eyes fell to the liquor cart and locked onto the bottle of scotch that stood there. Without a second's hesitation, he picked up the bottle and poured himself a glass. He knew that getting drunk wasn't going to fix anything but it would be a very welcomed temporary distraction.

* * *

The morning sky was a crisp blue as Lulu walked the grounds, carrying a bouquet of white lilies. The grass was wet and springy beneath her boots and the cool air felt fresh against her skin, the only way it did after a huge rainstorm. Carly had been so wonderful after she had shown up at the house late last night. Sometimes Lulu thought that if it hadn't been for Carly, she would've ended up in a padded cell in Shadybrook for the rest of her life. Lulu knelt down, setting the white lilies beside the marble plaque, and traced the letters on her daughter's headstone.

"Hi baby…" she whispered.

She would give anything just to be able to hold her daughter again, even if for a moment. She wanted to hear her laugh again and to see her big brown eyes that were filled with such wonder… those same eyes that Aura inherited from her father. Lulu put her hand over her heart and exhaled deeply.

"I miss you… **so very much**… there's not a day that goes by when I don't think of you… and I know that your daddy misses you too… even if he can't remember you right now…" she exhaled.

It was partially her fault. If she had just made the other choice that night at Jake's or had confessed the truth the countless times that they had met after the accident, he might've forgiven her and maybe he would be sitting beside her right now in front of their daughter's grave. Maybe he would be holding her hand as she spoke and he would give her reassuring smiles. She needed that so much right now.

"You know… I was always jealous of you and him… did I ever tell you that? You would not go to sleep for anyone except for your dad… he would just hold you and sing to you every single night before you went to sleep… I tried doing that for you but you just wouldn't have it… it had to be Johnny…" she said, smiling.

She could picture Johnny holding Aura, singing to her as her little eyelids grew heavy. She could watch him all day like that, with her heart swelling with love and pride as she looked in on her perfect little family. She loved them so much. She had loved him so much. She sighed heavily and brushed a tear that was lingering on her eyelash.

"A lot's happened since you've been gone… but in a way… nothing's changed… I—I love Johnny… after all this time and despite everything that tells me that I shouldn't… I tried so hard not to fall back in love with him but I couldn't help it… you know how he is… he can just smile and I'm completely gone…" she mused.

She had been powerless to stop herself from falling back in love with Johnny. He pushed and pushed, knowing something that she had tried to deny for the past four years: they belonged together. She didn't think that it was possible but she had forgiven him for everything. She didn't know when it happened exactly but somewhere along the way she was able to look at him and see past the mistakes that he had made and suddenly it wasn't his most defining characteristic. Now, she would give anything to have Johnny look at her and not see the woman that lied to him. She wanted that same forgiveness that she had bestowed upon him.

"I wish you were here, Aura… you and Johnny were the glue that held me together and without the two of you, I just—I'm lost… and I know that you're not coming back… I've dealt with it and come to terms with it… but my heart—my heart just misses you like crazy, sweetie…" she whispered.

The white marble was cool underneath her fingertips as she grazed over the gold lettering, tracing the letters in her daughter's name. For too long she had allowed herself to let herself be bogged down in the past. Spending time with Johnny and remembering how they used to be shook her awake from what seemed like four years of sleep. She hadn't felt happy in forever and now that she had found it again, she couldn't go back. Her heart had come alive again and she wouldn't deny it of what she wanted.

"I want him back, Aura… I have to have him back… your daddy and I need each other… even if he can't see it right now… I think that even you knew that when you were with us… you were always a perceptive little girl…" she said.

She rose to her feet and sighed heavily. This had been the first time that she had been at her daughter's grave and hadn't completely broken. It was actually the first time she felt a sense of relief by talking to her. After all this time, she was beginning to find her way down the path of healing. She reached down and put the lilies right in front of the plaque and smiled slightly

"I love you, Aura… so much…" she muttered.

* * *

Johnny woke to a splitting headache. The sun, which was welcoming after the days of rain, was now burning his sensitive eyes and sending blinding pain through his forehead. He didn't make it upstairs last night after Brook had left. Instead, he had passed out on the nearby couch in the study, from what he could remember. He made a vow to not drink scotch for a while as he sat up. He looked over at his watch, squinting as his eyes adjusted. It read twelve thirty-five.

"Damn it…" he muttered.

He hissed in pain as he slid to his feet and walked over to the liquor cart, bypassing the scotch in question and heading straight for the water. He hobbled back over to the desk and began to leaf through the delivery menus of the neighboring restaurants. He needed food and he needed it fast. This hangover was surely going to kill him. Surely he had thought wrong when he came to the conclusion that the pain of being lied to was more than the pain of a hangover. He fished some aspirin out of his desk and swallowed them with a large glass of water, not hearing someone at the door, knocking.

_What was he supposed to do?_

Was he supposed to forgive them both? Just excuse the fact that they both took advantage of his amnesia and used it to their own advantage? And even if he was able to forgive the two of them, what then? Was he supposed to make a choice? How could he be with someone who had broken that trust? Of course he knew that he was no saint either. His memories of all of his sins were clear about that but he couldn't remember the man that he used to be. He wasn't that man that had cheated and left Lulu after Aura had died and he wasn't the man that preyed on Brook's insecurities about love and made her so hopelessly dependent on him.

_That man was a stranger to him._

He sighed and settled on Chinese food. Surely the carbohydrates would do him some good in soaking up the liquor in his body and he knew that he couldn't come to a decision when he was hung over.

"Johnny…"

He groaned, knowing that voice. It had haunted him for so long. He knew that he shouldn't raise his head. He wanted to have the strength to not answer her but her voice just slipped inside of him and he was powerless to stop it. His eyes met hers and he gritted his teeth as he took in her appearance. He didn't know how she did it but she was even more beautiful than he remembered, with her tousled blonde hair and her beautiful and pleading eyes.

"What do you want?" he growled.

Lulu closed the door behind her and walked over to his desk slowly. His heart started to speed up as she came near him and he felt his palms start to sweat. He swallowed hard and sat back in his chair, trying to stay as far away from her as possible. She put her palms on the desk and leaned forward. He could smell the faint scent of her perfume and he had to hold his breath so that he wouldn't pass out from the overwhelming sense of longing that was creeping up on him. She smiled slightly at him and cleared her throat.

"You… I want you…" she said.


	13. Yesterday

**A/N**: Ok! Whew! This chapter is **HEAVY** and was super hard to write but I think it turned out really well! It's also the longest chapter to date (yay!!) There's a lot going on in this chapter… I felt that it was only fair since the writers on GH won't give us any JoLu right now. And after this piece, I'm going to be taking a break from long series… This is my fourth long series in a row and it's super draining. However, I'm going to start my JoLu drabble fic right after this one ends… it'll be light and fluff orientated and gives us our happy JoLu, which I think is what we as JoLu fans need right now! While I'm doing my drabble fic, I'm going to be working on my next series... it's just a temporary breathing period, so don't worry! I'm not abandoning you guys!!! Alright, enough with this chatter since I know that you just want to get on with the story :) Happy reading and don't forget to review! I love your reviews! They make me really happy!

_I don't know where this road  
Is going to lead  
All I know is where we've been  
And what we've been through…_

_If we get to see tomorrow  
I hope it's worth all the wait  
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday…_

_And I'll take with me the memories  
To be my sunshine after the rain  
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday…_

"It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday" – Boyz II Men

**Chapter 12 – Yesterday**

Surely this was still an after effect of the massive amounts of alcohol that Johnny had consumed the night before. He was sure that Lulu hadn't just said that she wanted him. This was just irony coming back to bite him. He had chased her for all of this time and she rejected him time after time but at the moment when he was angry, she was offering herself to him. Surely it was some sort of lingering effect of the alcohol because he found himself laughing because it was ridiculous.

"Did I say something funny?" she asked.

"You want me…" he said, enunciating every syllable.

"And you think that's funny?" she asked, folding her arms across her chest.

"I think it's hilarious…you decide that you want me now… **now** of all times… when I've made it clear that I don't want you…" he said.

"I don't believe you…" she said and his face immediately dropped.

"Well then, that's not my problem…" he spat.

His words wounded her and he could the hurt in her eyes as she stared straight back at him. He clenched his jaw as she looked away, clearly not wanting him to see the tears that were forming in her beautiful brown eyes. Inside, his stomach was in knots. He was so angry with her that he could barely see straight. Yet, he would be lying to himself if he said that he didn't still love her.

"Johnny… I know that you're angry but—" she began but he shook his head.

"Don't… just don't, Lulu… you shouldn't even be here…" he muttered.

"I won't leave you, Johnny… not like this…" she said, walking over to him.

"Why? Do you get off by looking at the destruction that you've left?" he asked.

"No! It's because I love you, Johnny!" she cried.

There they were again, those three words that he once naively thought could be the answer to everything. He looked away, commanding himself not to be affected by her declaration. It didn't matter how much she loved him or how much he loved her. She still lied to him about his past. He had come to her when he was completely vulnerable and she had betrayed his trust.

"I'm getting really sick of that reasoning… if both you and Brook think that you can get away with anything by saying that you did it because you love me, you're sadly mistaken." Johnny said, folding his arms.

"And I'm going to keep telling you until you believe me…" Lulu said, grabbing his arm.

"I will **never** believe you, Lulu… you want to know why? Because you don't love me… if you did, you wouldn't have lied to me like this… you would've told me the truth after all of the times I begged you to let me in…" he said, wrenching his arm from her grasp.

"I'm sorry! If I could take it all back, I would… you have to believe me, Johnny…" she pleaded.

"I can't… I can't do this with you, Lulu… not now and not ever." Johnny said, shaking his head.

A sharp cry passed over Lulu's lips and Johnny thought that his heart was about to shatter into a thousand pieces. Despite all of his anger, he couldn't bear to see her come apart. He had seen it too many times and too many times he had been the cause.

"Johnny… please… don't do this… don't throw away everything that we have…" she begged.

"And what is it that we have, Lulu? Hm? Can you tell me that? Nothing! That's what we have! We have nothing because you decided that it was ok to lie to me!" he shouted.

She hung her head and he could hear her sniffling, trying to suppress a sob. He knew that he was hurting her and a part of him was glad that he was. Maybe she could feel a fraction of the pain that he felt when he found out that she had betrayed him. But he couldn't bring himself to look at her though. He didn't want to look at her because his resolve would surely crumble and he couldn't let that happen. What she did wasn't ok and if he allowed his feelings for her take over him, she would think that he excused what she did with no problem and it wasn't that simple.

"Is this what you want? Do you want to push me away?" she asked meekly.

"I can't—I can't forgive you, Lulu…" he said, turning his head away from her gaze.

"You love me… you told me that you loved me, Johnny… that—that has to count for something…" she sobbed.

"**I—I don't love you, Lulu**… I—I don't even know who you are… I fell in love with a woman that doesn't exist…" he said, sadly.

"Don't say that… it's me… it's always been me, Johnny…" she said but he shook his head.

"I—I can't even look at you… please, just go…" he said, swallowing hard.

He clenched his hand into a fist as he heard her begin to cry. For as many times as he had heard her cry, it never ceased to make him feel extremely guilty. He didn't want her to cry for him anymore. He would give her that one last gift. He would let her go because it was clear that they couldn't work together. Even with the best intentions, they hurt each other. He had walked out on her after their daughter died and she had lied to keep their past a secret. It wasn't malicious but it was just a part of this dance that they did. It was a dance that neither of them would be able to survive. He looked up at her and saw her walking towards the door of the study, clutching her purse to her chest and sniffling all the way. A part of him wanted to go and stop her because surely this might be the last time that they were in a room together alone. She pressed her hand against the doorknob and cried, without even opening the door.

"I love you, Johnny…" she whispered as she closed the door behind her.

He could hear her footsteps grow faint as she walked to the front door. He slowly stood up and walked towards the door. His hand came to the cool handle but he couldn't bring himself to open it. His anger and disappointment with her still outweighed his longing for her. He then heard the front door close and his heart felt like it was being ripped out of his chest.

_He should hate her._

But being without her was literally killing him. He pressed his forehead against the mahogany door and exhaled shakily. He would give anything not to feel, to not feel like collapsing underneath the pressure that was building around him. It wanted him to yield. It wanted him to drop to his knees and break because that was what he had done to everyone around him. Every person that he had ever loved, he broke. He deserved to feel like this. This was his punishment: to feel too much.

Too much anger… too much hate… too much love…

"I love you too…" he whispered against the door.

* * *

Lulu found herself in that all too familiar spot on Carly's doorstep, tears in her eyes and with nowhere else to run. She knocked gently this time and shivered as a strong gust of wind brushed over her face. Carly came to the door and hugged her tightly without saying a word.

"What happened?" Carly asked, taking in Lulu's sad disposition.

"Johnny…" Lulu said, wiping her eyes and walking into the house.

Carly sighed and closed the door behind her as Lulu flopped down on the couch. Lulu was sure that Carly wanted her to just forget Johnny Zacchara all together and Lulu couldn't exactly blame her. Carly had been there for every fight, every blowout, and ultimately the divorce and breakdown and no normal person would want to condemn their cousin back to a repeat performance of that. Maybe Lulu really did need to be locked up in Shadybrook.

"You went to Johnny's? I thought you said that you were going to the cemetery to visit Aura…" Carly said, sitting next to her cousin.

"I did go see Aura… and then I just started thinking… Aura would want Johnny and me to work things out…" Lulu said.

"But not at your expense, Lulu… she would want you to be happy and you're clearly not…" Carly said but Lulu shook her head.

"Carly… _I love him_… and I know that even though he's furious with me… he—he loves me too… I know he does… we need each other, Carly." Lulu cried.

"Look… I'm not denying that he doesn't love you… that boy has always been crazy about you… I just—I want you to be careful, Lulu… after the divorce, I couldn't—I couldn't even recognize you… you were so broken…" Carly said, putting her hand on top of Lulu's.

Lulu nodded and squeezed Carly's hand gently. She closed her eyes and all she could think about were Johnny's words before she left. Every syllable was like venom, slowly chipping away at her heart until there was nothing left. Lulu always prided herself for being strong but hearing those harsh words come out of the love of her life's mouth… she wasn't strong enough for that.

"I thought—I thought that if I just went and talked to him…" Lulu began.

"That he would understand…" Carly sighed.

Lulu sniffed and nodded. Carly put her arm around Lulu and she put her head on Carly's shoulder. Sometimes Lulu forgot that Carly wasn't her own mother because she relied on Carly so much when her own mother couldn't be there for her. Lulu felt her warm hand gently stroke her face and her blond curls.

"So what are you going to do now?" Carly asked.

"What do you mean?" Lulu asked, still with her head on Carly's shoulder.

"What are you going to do if… after the dust has settled… if Johnny doesn't change his mind and he doesn't want to reconcile?" Carly asked.

Lulu felt her eyes begin to water and she shook her head, letting a small whimper escape her lips. She couldn't think about that. In this moment, Lulu couldn't imagine her life without Johnny in it. After everything that they had been through and what they had meant to each other, there was no way that it could be over. She had thought that she could bury her feelings for Johnny deep down but somewhere, she knew that she had never fallen out of love with him.

"I can't—I can't think about that, Carly… I really can't…" Lulu cried.

"I know… I know… it's hard to think about the end of something that has been so important in your life… I thought that the world was going to stop when my marriage to Sonny ended… but then I found Jax… and he was able to pull me up out of my grief of losing the man I thought was the love of my life…" Carly began.

"Are you saying that there's no hope for me and Johnny?" Lulu asked, rising to look her cousin in the eye.

"Of course not! I'm not saying that… I'm just saying that I don't want you to think that a life without Johnny is the end of the world…" Carly reassured her.

"But Carly… **Johnny is my life**… he has been for most of my life and he loves me… I know that he does and this is just a rough patch… we're—we're going to get through this…" Lulu said.

"If you and Johnny are able to get past everything and forgive each other… then I really hope that you two can get back together… I only want your happiness, Lulu… and if Johnny makes you happy, then I will support you…" Carly said, taking Lulu's hand in hers.

Lulu let out a sigh of relief and smiled. She was grateful that no matter what happened, Carly was always on Lulu's side and even when she didn't agree with Lulu, Carly always was there for her when things went wrong. Carly smiled back and put her arm around Lulu and pressed a kiss to her temple.

"You know that I love you, right?" Carly asked and Lulu nodded.

"And I love you too…" Lulu whispered.

"You better…" Carly chuckled and Lulu laughed lightly.

"Alright… I'm going to head out… thank you for calming me down…" Lulu said, rising to her feet.

"Where are you going?" Carly asked, walking her to the door.

Lulu thought about her destination. After that disastrous confrontation with Johnny, she just needed to be reminded of the good times that they had. She needed to know that all was not lost. She wasn't ready to face the fact that she and Johnny might be over.

"I just—I need to go somewhere… just to get away from Port Charles for a bit…" Lulu said.

Lulu turned around to face her cousin and smiled slightly, knowing how Carly was worried. The last time that Lulu had said those words to Carly, she had run away to France for a year. Lulu took Carly's hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

"I promise not to go far…" Lulu insisted.

"I'll let you go only if you promise to tell me where you're going to be…" Carly said.

Lulu nodded as it dawned on her where she needed to be. If her relationship with Johnny was going to go down in smoke, she at least wanted to be surrounded by memories of when they were happy. She wanted to feel closer to those memories when she, Johnny and Aura were the perfect family. She really needed that right now.

"I'll call you as soon as I get there…" Lulu said, smiling.

* * *

The Zacchara mansion was stifling.

And Johnny couldn't stand another minute in the house. That is how he found himself behind the wheel of his Aston Martin, his current luxury car of choice. He didn't know where he was going as he sped down the highway out of Port Charles. All of his emotions were churning in his stomach, burning him from the inside. Everything that he was feeling was just pulling him apart and he didn't know where to go or how to feel. After Lulu had left, the voices in his head were screaming at him.

_Some telling him to run straight back into Lulu's arms because he loved her more than anything._

_And some were telling him to run as far away as possible._

He turned sharply off the highway, making the tires of the car screech against the pavement. Why did everything have to be so complicated? Why couldn't he just let it go and let Lulu back into his life or just cut her out completely? He was angry but a part of him couldn't be completely angry. He was also completely in love with her but he couldn't just forgive and forget so easily. He pulled his car over and snatched the keys out of the ignition.

"Breathe, Zacchara…" he muttered.

He pressed his fingertips to his temple as he struggled for breath. He was slowly suffocating from all of his emotions and he didn't know how to make it stop. He unbuckled his seatbelt and pushed his door open. The cool air hit his face and he blinked to focus. He didn't know where he ended up but he just needed to walk. His heart was pounding against his chest as he walked along that deserted road. Surely he was having a panic attack and just needed to regroup. Before he knew it, he found himself standing beside a large open lot of grass that was enclosed by a black iron gate. He pushed open the gate and wandered onto the grounds and it hit him, almost instantaneously.

_He's been here before._

His pace slowed upon his realization, being cautious. There were winding gravel pathways through the grass that extended throughout the grounds. He spotted some nearby stone benches that were surrounded by pristine white roses. He was so distracted by how beautiful everything was around him that he nearly tripped. He recovered his stance and he looked down, wondering what he had almost tripped over. His eyes fell to the marble plaque at his feet and he immediately blanched. He was standing above a headstone.

_He was in a cemetery._

The sense of panic immediately rushed back as he backed away from the plaque, nearly tripping over another one. He knew why this place was familiar. He began walking, both knowing and not knowing where he was going. His feet were just guiding him across the grounds, pulling him closer and closer to his destination. He could hear his heartbeat thundering in his ears. Mechanically, he stopped and he felt his knees give out from underneath him.

"Oh god…" he whispered.

The dew from the grass seeped into his jeans and his hand lay flat on the cold marble plaque. This was surely an out of body experience because he couldn't believe what was happening. He was standing in front of his daughter's grave.

The daughter that he couldn't remember.

His fingers grazed over the letters in Aura's name and the tears immediately rushed to his eyes. He was so not ready for this. How could anyone be? Unconsciously, he had brought himself to his daughter's grave. His chest began to feel heavy as the guilt began to weigh down upon him. What kind of man couldn't remember his own daughter?

"I'm—I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, baby…" he whispered.

The words slipped out of his mouth unconsciously. He knew that he had a lot of apologizing to do and not just for being unable to remember. He had let her down. He, Lulu and Aura were supposed to be a family and he failed. He failed them… over and over again. All of the emotion that he had the capacity of feeling immediately began to flood his senses. He had so much that he had to say even though he had next to no memories about his past. It was almost like his identity before the accident was screaming inside of him, wanting to break out.

"This—this wasn't supposed to happen… this isn't how things are supposed to be… and I don't know how I got here, Aura… I just—I just don't know… I'm—I'm supposed to have you and your mom… you and her… forever." Johnny sobbed.

He pressed his forehead to the marble plaque, tears streaming down his face, and wailed. Everything that was inside of him… all of the anger, frustration, love, pain… he just let out. His hands balled up into fists at his sides and he could hear his heart beat pulsating in his ears over his screams. He was lucky that the cemetery was pretty much deserted or someone might have thought that he was dying.

But the pain is always the worst before the healing.

Suddenly, Johnny felt a searing pain in his forehead, like someone was splitting his head into two. He gritted his teeth and his heartbeat grew louder and louder. Every thump pounded against his head, making him want to scream in pain. He didn't know what was happening but he just wanted it to stop. He felt himself drowning, falling into himself, bombarded by images and sounds from his past that were being thrown at him at a million miles per second.

"_You are my son, John… my son and my heir and all of this… and everything that I do… is for you… you cannot walk away from that! Especially not for some stupid girl!"_

His father's booming voice came first. Johnny saw his father's face, dark and scowling. He remembered the look on his father's face when he shot Johnny's mother right in front of him. The fear that Anthony always managed to instill in him immediately rushed back into his memory.

"_John, if you're not here to fight for me… I won't make it… I'll—it'll drag me under… I will become a monster, just like daddy…"_

Johnny saw Claudia next, raven colored hair and a face that said that she could take on the world. She was so protective of him but ultimately she couldn't help but to alienate him when she married Sonny Corinthos and he broke away from their family. He remembered her face when she left Port Charles with Nikolas after the marriage ended.

"_I love you… so much… and I can't live another day without the entire world knowing that you're mine, Lulu… so, will you—will you marry me?"_

The moment when the ballroom doors at Wyndamere opened, revealing Lulu in her wedding dress, Johnny remembered how he almost fainted. She looked so beautiful that it was almost impossible for him to believe that she was his, but she was. She was his forever on that day. He remembered how they both tearfully got through their vows, pledging to love each other for the rest of their lives, and exchanged rings. He remembered the way she whispered to him to never let her go as they shared their first dance as husband and wife.

"_Oh, Johnny… come over here… don't be scared… our daughter is not going to break you if you hold her… come on… Aura wants to meet her daddy…"_

He remembered when Lulu put Aura into his arms for the first time and how the pride and love immediately swelled in his chest. She was so tiny and fragile as he held her but he instantly felt weak when she opened her eyes and looked at him for the first time. The moment that he looked into Aura's eyes, he knew that it was possible to fall in love at first sight.

"_How can—how can anything be wrong with her? She's perfect… she's our perfect little girl, Johnny… I don't—I can't wrap my head around our little girl being so sick…"_

Johnny remembered all of his promises to god to let his daughter live. He was never a huge believer but when his daughter got sick, he was on his knees every single night, praying for her. He just wanted to take her to the park, watch her crawl on the grass, discover new things, and see the wonder in her eyes as the world revealed itself to her. He remembered how helpless he felt when he couldn't do anything to make her better and how he felt that he failed her and Lulu both when Aura passed away.

"_What do I want from you? I want you to see me, Johnny! I want you to see me… not just as a distraction but as someone that you could love…"_

Brook's voice, distressed but beautiful, rang in Johnny's ears. He thought that he could move on and construct a picturesque life with Brook. He thought that he could be happy with her but all he did was to create a beautiful exterior with a hollow inside. All of the money in the world and all of the material things that he could get his hands on for Brook couldn't give him the life that he wanted. She knew it, even back then, that she could never be the person that he wanted.

"_Lulu… please… come back… come back to me…"_

He was back in that train station once again, running. He could see her as clear as day in the window of the train, palm pressed against the glass and tears rolling down her lovely face. He could feel the wind on his face as he struggled to catch up with the train. He knew that he couldn't live without her. It was impossible. He remembered how he was gasping for air as the train slipped further and further away from him until he fell to his knees and with the last wind in his lungs, he screamed.

"_Lulu!!"_

Suddenly, he inhaled sharply and his eyes shot open. He was on his back, staring up at the bright blue sky. His heart was pounding against his chest so furiously that he thought that it would break through his skin. Everything was so incredibly clear and sharp around him, like he had put on a pair of glasses for the first time.

He remembered everything.

* * *

Brook walked downstairs, a notebook in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. Everybody was anticipating her new album and frankly, with Johnny's accident and his memory loss, she hadn't had the time to start writing lyrics or melodies. Surely the tone of her album would depend on whether or not she and Johnny survived this storm.

"Excuse me, Ms. Brook…"

Brook looked up from her notebook to see that she had almost collided with Alice, the Quartermaine family maid. Brook apologized profusely for not paying attention to where she was going and set down her coffee on the table in the foyer. At that moment, a sharp knock came to the door. Brook's brow folded into a confused expression. Surely her grandmother Tracy wasn't expecting anyone right now since she was out getting yet another botox injection and Monica was working at the hospital today. Brook walked to the door and opened it, not wanting to pull Alice away from her morning chores.

"Brook…"

Her heart stopped. Johnny was standing in front of her, completely out of breath, almost as if he had walked all the way from the Zacchara mansion. She immediately threw her arms around him, disregarding their last conversation because she was so happy to see him and the fact that he had come to her on his own accord was all the reassurance that she needed.

_He really did love her._

Johnny's body against hers was awkwardly stiff but she didn't care. He was here and that's all that mattered. She released him but cupped his face in her hands and offered him a watery smile as tears of joy sprang to her eyes. His fingertips enclosed around her hands and he exhaled softly.

"I would ask what are you doing here but I'm just—I'm so happy to see you, Johnny…" she whispered, running a thumb over his cheek.

"I—I have something to tell you…" he quietly said.

"You can tell me anything…" Brook said, smiling.

"I got my memory back…" he said, looking up at her.

The words made her stance waiver slightly. He was back. The Johnny that she knew and loved was back, after months and months of nothing. He had come back to her.

"All of it?" she asked, slightly in disbelief.

"All of it." Johnny said.

She bit her bottom lip and threw her arms around him. This was a miracle. She had gotten everything that she had wished for, that she had prayed for. Johnny was back, mentally and physically, and he was hers again. The tears slipped from her eyes as she held him tightly. Suddenly, she felt his hands remove her arms from him and he backed away from her, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry…" he rasped.

And that's when she knew.

Her heart fell to the bottom of her stomach and she looked down towards the antique Persian rug beneath her black boots. She willed herself not to cry but the feeling of her own heart breaking one last time for this man was too much and she sobbed.

"You're—You're choosing her… aren't you?" she asked.


	14. Love Remains the Same

**A/N:** Alrighty! I finally managed to finish this chapter!! Hooray!!! I'm not sure if I'm 100-percent behind it but I'm a perfectionist so whatever, it's done!!! So this is the last chapter story-wise and the next chapter will be the epilogue, which just ties up some loose ends and delivers some much needed fluff! I hope that you guys will read my JoLu drabble series! I'm going to post the first two parts when I'm done with the epilogue for this story. Ok, happy reading and don't forget to leave a review!! And Also I'd like to thank Soulless Warlock for the suggestion for the song/chapter title :)

_I never thought that I  
Had anymore to give  
Pushing me so far  
Here I am without you…  
Drink to all that we have lost  
Mistakes we have made  
Everything will change  
But love remains the same… _

"Love Remains the Same" – Gavin Rossdale

**Chapter 13 – Love Remains the Same**

"You're choosing her, aren't you?"

Johnny looked up at Brook and sighed. He didn't like the fact that he was breaking her heart once again. It wasn't something that he took pride in, before or after his accident but it was something he had to do. Just one more time in order to set her free.

And to set him free as well.

"I've done… so many things to hurt you, Brook…" he began and she laughed bitterly.

"Oh don't even start that with me, Johnny… if you're going to break up with me… just tell me straight out… you're choosing Lulu over me." Brook stated, crossing her arms across her chest.

"It's—It's not about choosing her over you, Brook… it's… it's more than that…" he said.

"Tell me something, Johnny… how is it that you can forgive her but not me?" she cried.

He took her hand in his and she inhaled sharply. He could tell that the gesture caught her off guard but he owed it to her to be gentle. He would tread lightly and try to ease her fall. It was what he should've done years ago when he began to realize that he would never love her in the way that she deserved to be loved.

"It's—it's not about forgiveness, Brook… we've all done things to hurt each other… and I'd be lying if I said that I was completely blameless in this situation… I mean… I've done this to you… I've made you so incredibly unhappy…" he began.

"That's not true and if you're breaking up with me because that's what you think then I can't even begin to tell you how wrong you are…" she said, her fingertips tightening around his firm hands.

"Don't be easy on me, Brook… I know that I don't make you happy… not anymore at least…" he said, offering a small smile.

"But I—I love you, Johnny…" she whispered, letting two tears slip from each of her eyes.

He reached out and wiped her cheeks and her hand grasped his. He wished that she wouldn't fight this hard. He didn't want this for her because despite everything that had happened, she stood by him for the past four years, enduring all that came with it. He cared too much about her to want this for her. He shook his head and let his hand fall to his side.

"Love isn't supposed to be like this, Brook… you should be with someone who will love you for who you are… not because of some misguided attempt to punish himself…" he said.

"I always knew…" Brook muttered, looking down at her feet.

"Knew what?" Johnny asked.

"That you still loved Lulu… deep down…" she said, lifting her eyes to look at him.

He sighed heavily. He was hoping that she wouldn't bring up Lulu because he didn't want to talk about her to Brook. He wanted to make this as easy and painless for Brook as humanly possible even though he knew that it was going to be nearly impossible for her to emerge from this unscathed. But he looked into Brook's eyes and they were begging for the truth. He had held things in for so long and lied about his feelings that he owed it to her to be honest for once.

"I—I walked away from Lulu once… and _it nearly killed me_… and now, I don't have the strength or the will to do it again…" he said softly.

She tried to mask her hurt but he heard her sniffle quietly and he immediately wrapped his arms around her. He just held her there as she came apart in his arms, crying and shaking. He bit his bottom lip, trying to suppress the immense amount of guilt that was surging through his veins. Without saying a word, she composed herself and pulled away from him, wiping her eyes and when she looked up at him, she offered him a small smile.

"I'm sorry, Brook… I didn't mean to make you upset or anything…" he said but she shook her head.

"I needed to hear it… hearing it, even if it's hard, helps… so, thank you…" she said.

She looked down at her hand and he watched her take off her engagement ring. She looked at it as it sat in the palm of her hand and then handed it to Johnny.

"You don't have to give this back…" he said, handing the ring back to her.

"Yes, I do…" she sighed.

Brook leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. He could almost feel her letting go… letting go of all the misconstrued fantasies that she had about him and the anxiety that had plagued her for the last four years. She was finally saying goodbye. She pulled away and exhaled softly, gently squeezing his hand.

"Be happy… that's all that I've ever wanted for you…" she said.

"You too…" he said, running his thumb over the top of her hand.

"Goodbye, Johnny…" she whispered.

"Goodbye, Brook…" he said.

* * *

As Johnny left the Quartermaine mansion, he could feel a heavy load rise from his shoulders, finally allowing him to breathe for the first time in four years. He knew that the hardest part of his plan to set things right was ahead. He wasn't sure what he was even going to say when he saw Lulu. He was so cruel to her when he had last seen her and frankly he wouldn't blame her if she didn't want anything to do with him after the way that he treated her.

_But he prayed that she still did._

He pulled up to the curb in front of the house because a green Volvo sedan was already parked in the driveway. He turned his car alarm and strode up to the front door. His palms began to sweat as he reached for the doorbell. Inside the house, he heard footsteps grow louder as they reached the door. His heart was beating rapidly against his chest as the doorknob rattled. This was it. It was the moment that he had been waiting four years for. He held his breath as the door swung open.

"Well… isn't this a surprise?"

Johnny let out a sharp breath upon realizing who was at the door. Carly Jacks, Lulu's overprotective cousin, was standing before him. She folded her arms across her chest and leaned against the doorway, eyebrow raised but never taking her gaze off him. Internally, he groaned because he knew that Lulu told Carly everything and he didn't doubt for a second that Carly knew everything that was going on.

"Hello, Carly… always nice to see you…" he said, trying to be as polite as possible.

She pursed her lips and her gaze immediately became more scrutinizing, which made Johnny even more nervous. Carly loved Lulu like her own daughter and she was fiercely loyal to her cousin. It was obvious that he had been painted as the villain in the wake of their divorce and Carly surely had every reason to not trust him around Lulu.

"Hi, Johnny… I would say that it's nice to see you too… but I'd be lying…" she said, matter-of-factly, and he chuckled slightly upon hearing her biting remark.

_Well, at least he knew where he stood with her._

"Is Lulu here?" he asked.

"No, she's not… I'm only here because she left her scarf at my house…" she said, holding up the burgundy scarf and Johnny nodded because he remembered that it was her favorite.

"Do you know where she is or when she'll be back?" he asked.

"Why?" Carly asked.

"I just—I really need to talk to her… the last time we spoke—" he began.

"Oh, I know all about the last time you spoke… she came to my house right after…" Carly said, cutting him off and he immediately looked down at his feet sheepishly.

"Look, I know what you must be thinking…" he said.

"What I'm thinking? Well, what I'm thinking is that you must have your memory back… because you immediately knew who I was when you saw me at the door… and it's probably why you're in such a rush to see Lulu…" she said.

"And I'm guessing that this is the part where you tell me that I'm not good enough for Lulu and that I should just leave her alone… right?" he asked.

"Is that what you think you should do? Do you think that you should walk away?" Carly asked, walking towards him.

He stepped back slightly, trying to maintain a buffer between the two of them. Carly was probably the only woman that actually intimidated him. He prided himself on being fearless and reckless but being on Carly Jacks' bad side was something that he had learned to steer clear of because the last thing that he wanted was to incur her wrath but it was well justified this time. He had hurt Lulu so many times and she was just looking out for her.

"I know that I've done some horrible things…" he started.

"To say the least…" Carly muttered.

"But I love Lulu… you have to know that…" he said.

He saw Carly's eyes visibly soften upon his words. Despite her doubts and the evidence to the contrary, she believed him. Carly had been there for the worst but she had also been there for the best. Carly was by Lulu's side at their wedding and when Aura was born. On top of that, Carly was named godmother to their little girl. She saw how happy they were… and could still be. She knew that no one could make Lulu happy like he could.

"I don't doubt for a second that you love Lulu… anybody with eyes in this town can see how much you love her… but sometimes… it's not enough… you can't just quit when things get rough!" she said.

"Don't you think I know that? Don't you think that I've regretted every single choice that I made with her? I would give anything… **anything** to go back and make things right…" he said, beseechingly, hoping that she would believe him.

"If—If I tell you where she is… you have to _swear_ to me… that you won't break her again…" she said, pointing her finger at him.

Johnny felt the ground drop beneath him at her words. He was expecting her to tell him andto not come near Lulu ever again but she knew what he and Lulu had forgotten so long ago. _They belonged together._

"I would rather die… than to hurt Lulu again. She's my life… I've—I've tried to live without her and I can't do it anymore… I won't do it anymore… and to be completely honest… even if you don't support us getting back together, I'm still going to fight like hell to get her back…" he said.

Carly tried to conceal a smile upon hearing his declaration and cleared her throat to cover it up. She then folded her arms and nodded her head. He exhaled deeply, completely relieved because Carly wasn't a pushover. Surely if he could take on Carly, he could do anything… including getting his wife back.

"Fine… since you're so passionate about it… I'll tell you where she is…" Carly said.

* * *

Lulu stepped out of her car, locking it behind her. It had been so long since she had been here, let alone Manhattan. She sighed and leaned against her car. The building hadn't changed a bit. The same warm brown brick adorned the face of the building and some patches of ivy were growing up the sides. Her keys were heavy in her pocket and she wondered if they still worked.

The keys to their brownstone.

She didn't even know why she came here. She drove two hours to Manhattan on a stupid whim and frankly, she probably wasn't even allowed in the building anymore. Knowing Johnny, he probably sold it right after she left and trying to go in would be breaking and entering. But she just wanted to be there, to be close to that time when things were so perfect. She remembered how she fell in love with this place from the moment she laid eyes on it and Johnny went straight to the realtor the next day and purchased it. She remembered how he whispered in her ear that this was where they were going raise their kids, take walks together around the neighborhood, and grow old together. This house represented a life that they both wanted but never got to have. She reached into her pocket, standing up straight and walked up the small staircase to the front door. Holding her breath, she slid the key inside the lock and was surprised when she was able to unlock it and the door freely swung open.

"Oh wow…" she exhaled.

She was surprised that her key still worked but nothing could compare to her surprise when she looked around her beloved brownstone. Everything was exactly how she left it. The sleek white couches in the living room hadn't been moved an inch, the hardwood floors were still a warm honey brown, the counters were the immaculate gray marble that Johnny had installed when they first moved in, and everything down to the books on the coffee table were exactly how they were when she stormed out of the brownstone and to the train station, leaving him and their broken life behind.

It was like she had never left.

She shrugged off her coat and set it down on the couch. Besides the stuffiness, the house even smelled the same. Maybe Johnny and Brook did spend time here when they weren't travelling the world. The thought of Brook in her house made Lulu's skin crawl but she quickly brushed it aside. Technically, it was Johnny's house since she didn't ask for anything in the divorce. Her fingertips ran across the pristine white leather couch, remembering nights that they sat up all night talking, curled against each other. She would give anything to have those days back.

"Lulu…"

She looked up sharply and saw Johnny standing in the doorway. All of the air in her lungs immediately left her upon looking at him. She blinked furiously, thinking that she was just imagining him. After all, she was in their brownstone, surrounded by their things… maybe because she desperately wanted him with her, she was imagining that he was there with her. Her eyes opened but Johnny didn't disappear. He closed the door behind him and began walking towards her.

"What—What're you doing here?" she asked.

Johnny said nothing, but just stared straight at her with his hands in his pockets. He was studying her face intently and it immediately made her self-conscious. He didn't need to explain what he was doing in his own house but this was the last place she expected to see him. She had told Carly where she was going and even she was skeptical about her wanting to drive all the way down to Manhattan to sit in a house that she hadn't lived in for four years. She looked back up at Johnny and saw that he hadn't moved an inch. This silence was killing her. She couldn't stand to be in the same room as him and not to hear him speak.

"Are you going to say anything to me, Johnny?" she asked.

He didn't speak, only dropped his head, and she nodded slowly. He couldn't even look at her anymore. She could feel her heart breaking all over again. She would've rather have him yelling at her because at least she would know that he cared enough to be angry but silence meant indifference and she couldn't stand the thought of not meaning anything to Johnny when he meant everything to her.

"I'll just go then…" she said, picking up her coat from the couch.

She began walking to the door, putting on her coat. She could smell his cologne as she passed him and she almost fainted because it smelled so wonderful on him. Shaking her head, she reached for the door knob and she could feel her heart pounding in her chest. Maybe there was no fixing them. Maybe Carly was right by telling her to let it go and to move on. Maybe she was a fool to hang on to Johnny for so long. The pewter knob was cold on the palm of her hand and it sent a chill through her heart. She didn't want things to end like this.

"Your birthday is August 8th…"

Lulu's breath caught in the back of her throat and her hand immediately fell to her side. Those were the first words that he had said to her not out of malice or anger since the truth about their past came out and it was something as trivial as her birthday. It definitely wasn't what she was hoping for when he finally spoke but it was better than silence.

"What?" she asked, turning around to face him.

"Your birthday is August 8th… your favorite movie is Breakfast at Tiffany's… your favorite color is dark green… your favorite band is the Rolling Stones… you nearly burnt down our kitchen when you tried to cook Valentine's day dinner one year… our first dance at our wedding was to 'Ribbon in the Sky' by Stevie Wonder… you wore the lightning bolt necklace that I gave you for our anniversary every single day until you threw it at me at our first divorce mediation hearing… " he said, with his back to her.

He continued prattling off facts and Lulu just stood there completely paralyzed. Surely this had to be a dream. Just a few hours ago, he was so furious with her that she thought that he would never be able to forgive her and now there was something in his voice… something that she hadn't heard in a long time. She cautiously took a few steps towards him, wary of his next move.

"You—You remember?" she asked, completely stunned.

He turned around to face her and she saw the tears gathered up in his eyes. Johnny was never the type of person to show his emotions but when he did, it was so incredibly powerful.

"Yes… I remember… I remember everything…" he whispered.

Lulu couldn't contain herself. The tears came down her face and she flung her arms around his neck and sobbed on his chest. She didn't care if he was going to push her away, she was just so happy to have him back that this small moment would have to last her the rest of her life. But something unexpected happened, instead of being pushed away, Lulu felt herself being pulled closer and Johnny's face burrowed into the crook of her neck. His entire body was trembling as he let go completely and cried. She gently raked her fingers through his cropped hair, calming and comforting him. They had been through more than most couples went through in fifty lifetimes but there they were… so different but exactly the same.

"I'm sorry…" he whispered against her neck.

She cupped his face in her hands, pulling him up to look at her. She slowly smoothed over his features with her fingertips and he then grasped one of her hands and kissed the inside of her palm. The sweet gesture took her off-guard but she couldn't help but to feel warm inside.

"For what? You haven't done anything wrong…" she said.

"It's—It's my fault… all of this is my fault…" he cried.

"What is? Johnny, please… tell me…" she pleaded.

"Aura…" he whispered.

Lulu's heart clenched upon hearing Johnny say their daughter's name. She knew that it must've been hard to have all of his memories of Aura to come rushing back almost instantaneously and of course all fathers had special bonds with their daughters and wanted to give them the world. But with Johnny, it was something more. Aura was almost an extension of his own soul, a living and breathing link that held the two of them together and when she died, so did he on the inside.

"Aura's death was not your fault… you know that, Johnny…" she whispered but he shook his head.

"She was so sick… and I—I couldn't help her… I couldn't help her or you… I failed you both… I'm sorry, Lulu… I'm so sorry…" he cried as he gripped the fabric of her jacket.

"Is that why you left? Because you thought that you failed me?" Lulu asked, lifting his head towards her.

"I thought… I thought that you deserved something—_someone_ better, Lulu… that's—that's why I pushed you away… that's why I threw everything away… " he said.

"Someone better than you? How could I do better than you? I've loved you since I was nineteen years old… and even after everything that's happened, I love you still…" she said.

His eyes flashed to hers and she quickly realized that she had blurted out those three little words that he didn't want to hear from her anymore. She averted her eyes away from his but he cupped her face in his hands and made her look up at him.

"Say it again…" he whispered.

"Say what?" she asked.

"Just say it again…" he repeated.

Her hands found their way to his face and he pressed his forehead to hers. She swallowed hard as she felt his breath on her face. This was the closest that they had been in years, emotionally and physically. They had both been through hell and back, bruised and battered along the way, but determined to get back to each other because they knew that they needed each other.

"I love you…" she exhaled.

She barely got the last syllable out before he pressed his lips down onto hers. His lips were soft but powerful against hers, making her not want to come up for air. She could feel the tears falling from his eyes on her cheeks as he kissed her. He pulled away, slightly panting from his exertion, and looked her in the eye.

"I was so wrong… I can't be noble, Lulu… I know that you deserve someone better than me but I am too damn selfish to let you go again… because without you, I'm nothing… I'm a shadow of what I know I can be… I wanted—I wanted to tell you that day at the train station but when I saw you on that train… I knew that I had lost you for good…" he confessed.

His hands were on her shoulders now, pulling her close to him. Getting his memory back was merely the catalyst for letting all of these repressed feelings from the past four years break through and to freely flow out of him. The words were like heaven to Lulu. Everything that she had hoped that he felt, he did feel. All of these years, he had loved her with the same intensity and passion that he had when they were young.

"You never lost me… I was always yours… even when I didn't want to admit it… I've been running from that for all of these years because I knew all along that there's no one else for me but you. That's—That's why I lied to you, Johnny… I didn't want to admit to myself that I was still in love with you…" she said.

"I love you too…" he whispered.

She immediately threw her arms around him and locked his lips in a kiss in a passionate kiss. She felt his arms wrap around her back and pull her closer. She was never going to let him go for as long as she lived and she knew that he was saying the same thing in his kiss. He delicately swept her up into his arms and carried her upstairs to their old bedroom. Closing the door behind them, they slowly undressed each other, savoring their reunion. He didn't need to say a word because the way that he looked at her said all that she needed to hear. He laid her down against the soft pillows, all the while gazing into her eyes and easing all of her fears. Their union was slow and sweet… long and torturously passionate… but well worth the wait at the end.

* * *

"Do you remember when we first made love in this bed?"

Lulu's ear was pressed against his chest, hearing his heart beating happily, as they lay in bed. She was drawing circles on his chest with her fingertips and he was running his hand up and down her arm. Her slender body was curled against his and he wondered how he could've ever had let this go. This was how things were supposed to be. She lifted her head at his question and smiled serenely.

"Of course I do… it was the only piece of furniture that we managed to assemble on our first night together in this house…" she laughed.

"And you were afraid that it was going to break…" he said, smiling, as he curled a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

"Well, considering how… _passionate_ you are… I was a little concerned that we didn't assemble it correctly…" she said before kissing him sweetly on the lips.

Johnny wrapped his arms around her and she tucked her head underneath his chin. This was it for him. He would never doubt this again and he would never allow her to slip away from him. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and exhaled softly.

"Lulu…" he whispered.

"Hmm?" she asked sleepily.

"Promise me something…" he said.

She looked up at him, putting her hand on his cheek, and smiled. She ran her fingers over his lips and he gently kissed her fingertips. After everything that they had been through… the lies, the pain, the tears… they managed to make it through.

"Anything…" she said.

"When we get married again… promise me that we'll stay that way…" he said.

She quickly sat up, gathering the white sheets on their bed. The surprise of his request was evident in her eyes.

"You—You want to get remarried?" she stammered.

"I don't care if you want to wait… a day… a year… whenever you're ready… I just need you to promise me that when we get married again, that you'll stay with me…" he said, taking her hand in his.

"I promise… I promise that I will never leave you again… and I need you to promise me that too, Johnny…" she whispered, clasping his hand in her hands.

"I will never leave you… ever again. You will always have me… mind, body and soul… I'm yours forever, Lulu…" he promised.

Lulu leaned in and kissed him gently. Kissing her sent a warmness throughout his body that he hadn't felt in so long. She had brought him back to life after being dead inside for so long. She was truly his other half and he was hers. She pulled back slowly and he could see the light in her eyes again. He was so glad that he was able to put it back there instead of permanently extinguishing it.

"Forever?" she asked and he nodded.

"Forever…" he said.


	15. Epilogue

**A/N**: Alright! This is the end of Requiem! (Wild, huh?) It took me awhile to figure out how to end this but I finally did it!!! I'd just like to thank all of you guys for your wonderful comments and support :) You really are the greatest! As some of you know, I have a JoLu drabbles series called "This is Our Life" and it's just short little one shots about Johnny and Lulu with their kids, family and friends. It's just my own little JoLu world because I know that the GH writers won't do this for us :D Alright, thank you guys for bearing with me though this journey and don't forget to review!!

_So here we are now…  
Ain't it lucky we survived it all?  
Searching for self in separate rivers  
And ending up in the same waterfall…  
And when we're gray and wiser  
The story I will tell  
Is that I belong with you  
And no one else…_

"No One Else" – Amel Larrieux

**Epilogue – I Belong With You**

"Are you scared?"

Lulu's voice was barely higher than a whisper. Johnny turned on his side to face her as they both lay in bed. They had spent a lot of the past four months since they moved back into their brownstone in Manhattan in bed. He reached over and smoothed his thumb over her cheek and she exhaled at his touch. Everything was just so perfect… too perfect.

Things like this didn't happen to him.

Things weren't supposed to be this great.

Lulu must've felt his uneasiness and she cupped his face in her hands and kissed him gently. His hands slid up her arms and wrapped around her hands as they sat on his face. He loved this woman more than his own life. How did he get so lucky to find his way back to her after everything that they had gone through? Sometimes, he felt like he was living in a dream and one day he would wake up and everything would be gone. The spot next to him in the bed would be empty, he wouldn't hear her voice echoing along the hallways, and he would never see her warm smile to greet him every morning.

"Yeah… I am scared, Lulu…" he whispered.

She leaned in again and kissed him softly. He had lost her once and now that he had her back, he was petrified of losing her again. He knew that he wouldn't be strong enough to survive if something else happened to tear them apart. He needed her more than ever now. Her lips parted from his and she pressed her forehead to his. She brought his hand to her lips and kissed his fingertips.

"Nothing is going to happen, Johnny… I promise you…" she said.

"I can't help it…" he said.

"I know… I know that you're worried… a part of me is too… but we're going to be ok… we promised each other that we would be." Lulu said, holding his hand to her chest.

Her body was so soft and warm against his. He pulled her in closer, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and she put her head on his chest. Her breath tickled his chest as she breathed easily. Feeling her against him made him feel connected to the world. She was his anchor in the storm, keeping him sane and preventing him from getting swept up in the madness. He put his hand on her round stomach and she sighed.

"You—You don't regret it, do you?" she asked, looking up at him.

Her fingertips were buried in his hair now. Her eyes were wide and questioning and he shook his head before placing a kiss on top of her head. For as long as he lived, he would never regret these past months that they had spent together. It has almost seemed like a lifetime since he walked into their brownstone and saw her standing there in their living room, surrounded by their things like nothing had changed. He had finally gotten things back to the way they were supposed to be and he intended for it to stay that way.

"Of course I don't… you and this new baby are my entire life, Lulu… but I—I can't help but to wonder… what if this baby is sick just like Aura? I can't—I can't go through that again…" he said softly but she shook her head.

"That's not going to happen, Johnny… this baby… this baby is going to be fine… and we are going to be fine because we have each other… we made a promise to stay together…" she said, putting her hand on top of his hand on her stomach.

He looked down at her hand and nodded. The ring that he had bought so many years ago was back on her finger, glimmering faintly in the dim light. He was sure that she had thrown it away but she had kept it all this time… she had kept him in her heart for all this time. She kissed him again and the tension began to melt away with her lips. To lose this baby that Lulu was carrying like they had lost Aura was Johnny's greatest fear. He was overjoyed when she told him that she was pregnant soon after they moved back into the brownstone but that thought always lingered in the back of his mind.

_Because nothing this good could last forever, he thought._

He smiled slightly as his fingertips ran over her growing stomach. After four months, she was just starting to show. Of course she complained about gaining weight but she never looked more beautiful than when she was pregnant. He couldn't wait to hold this baby in his arms, rock it to sleep, and take it to Central Park. He had missed being a dad so much since Aura had passed away and this baby was his second chance.

"So, do you have to go out today?" he asked.

"I don't have to… I can do everything by phone… but tomorrow we're going to have to take a look at a couple of venues…" she said.

"Do you think we're putting too much on our plate? With planning a wedding and preparing for this new baby?" he asked, curling a piece of hair around her ear.

"Maybe… but we need to do it right this time…" she yawned.

She snuggled into his chest and sighed. He would give her the world if he could because she deserved the world. She deserved it this time from him. He had failed her once and, like she said, this time they needed to do it right.

"Hey… I have an idea…" he said.

"Hm?" she mumbled.

"You said that you could play hooky from wedding planning today… so how about it?" he asked.

"Sure… just let me… sleep for… two more hours…" she muttered sleepily.

He chuckled and left her in bed, letting her continue to sleep, because he already had a plan. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and went to the phone. He had waited for too long to make her his again and he wasn't going to wait another day.

_She was going to marry him today._

* * *

Lulu woke to Johnny pulling the covers off her. She shivered and groaned as she buried her head underneath a pillow. She heard Johnny's soft laugh and then felt his hands shake her gently.

"Get up sleepyhead… I gave you your two hours… you have approximately thirty minutes to shower and dress before we have to leave…" he chuckled.

"You know I can get showered and dressed in ten minutes, Johnny… come back in twenty minutes…" she groaned, grabbing the covers.

"But I know that you would whine and cry about having to get up…" he said as he engaged in a mini game of tug of war game with his fiancée with the covers.

"You would whine too if you were pregnant with your demon spawn…" she muttered.

"Come on… we're going to be late if you don't hurry up…" he said, throwing her some clothes.

"Are you even going to tell me where you're taking me?" she asked.

"No… but if you don't hurry… Carly is going to be angry…" Johnny warned.

Lulu's eyes popped open upon hearing her cousin's name slip from her fiancé's lips. What did Carly have to do with this? Her curiosity made her sit up in bed and look at him to figure out what his plan was. She could see something formulating behind those chocolate brown eyes of his. She knew that he was up to something.

"What're you planning?" she asked, raising an eyebrow, but Johnny just made a zipping motion across his lips.

"Get dressed and be downstairs in fifteen and I'll take you there…" he said.

She did as she was told and slipped into the shower. She washed her hair and toweled it before combing it out and slicking it into a ponytail. Ponytails were always a safe hairstyle to choose and because she didn't know where Johnny was taking her. She put on some loose black slacks and a white top, thinking that it was appropriate for almost any occasion. She grabbed her purse and carefully put her hand over her stomach.

"Your daddy has a surprise for us…" she cooed.

Johnny was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. He smiled as she approached and he immediately took her in his arms and kissed her. She never felt so much love in her life than in this moment. She was surrounded by it in Johnny's arms and filled with it with their baby growing inside of her. She was finally complete.

"Ready to go?" he asked.

"Are you going to tell me where we're headed?" she asked.

"You'll know when we get there…" he said.

He walked her to the car, opening the door for her, and they were off. Lulu watched as the city slowly began to dissipate around her as they sped down the highway. Buildings and developments turned into trees and grass. He stole a glance over at her, smiling slyly at her. His hand shifted from the parking brake over to her hand and she felt her heart skip a beat.

"I love you…" she whispered.

"I love you too…" he said, squeezing her hand.

Johnny turned off the highway and onto a deserted road. The sun was high overhead as Johnny drove up the winding road. In the distance, she saw a small white building on top of a hill in the clearing. Johnny drove up the hill and parked behind a familiar green Volvo. Carly came out of the car ahead of them and immediately went to the passenger's side.

"Took you two long enough to get here…" Carly grumbled.

"Blame Lulu… she's the one who took too long in the shower…" Johnny chuckled as he climbed out of the car.

"I wonder why…" Carly said, raising an eyebrow, and Lulu felt her face flush bright red.

"Nothing like that! Johnny wouldn't tell me where he was taking me…" Lulu cried but Carly just shook her head.

"Well come on… I have the dress, the makeup, and the jewelry…" Carly said, pulling Lulu by the arm.

"Wait… dress? Makeup? What's—What's going on?" Lulu asked, turning towards Johnny.

"Carly, can you give us a minute… I haven't exactly told her why we're here yet…" Johnny said.

Carly nodded and slung the large black garment bag over her shoulder and headed inside of the building. Something was definitely up. Since when did Johnny and Carly plan stuff together? Never, that's when.

"Johnny, what's going—" she began.

She turned around to face Johnny but when she did, he was holding a ring box. Her voice immediately died on her lips. She looked behind her and it dawned on her that they were standing in front of a small chapel.

_Oh god._

"Lesley Lu Spencer…" he began and she shook her head.

"You already proposed…" she said, flashing him the ring on her finger, and he laughed.

"Yes, I remember… but I'm asking you again…" he said.

With that, he flipped the ring box open and inside were two platinum wedding bands. Lulu gasped and quickly covered her mouth. This couldn't be happening. Her hands immediately went from her mouth to her stomach because she was sure that she was going to faint.

"Our wedding day isn't for another—" she started but he shook his head.

"Our wedding day… is today… that is… if you'll have me…" he said.

Now she was sure that she was going to faint. He wanted to get married today. He was asking her to marry him today. Johnny had always let her set the pace of their reconciliation. She had been the one who had the idea of moving back into the brownstone together. She was the one who had told him that she wanted to start planning the wedding. The last thing that he wanted to do was to pressure her into something when they had just started to get their life back on track.

"What?" she asked.

"I'm asking you to marry me… today… I don't want to wait another day without making you my wife again… so will you marry me today?" he asked.

She felt a smile spread across her face, so widely that she thought that her face would shatter into a million pieces but she wouldn't have cared. She threw her arms around Johnny's neck and pressed her lips to his because sometimes a kiss could say more about how she felt about Johnny than the actual words.

"I would've married you yesterday if you had asked me to…" she whispered.

* * *

Johnny's nerves were threatening to take over his body as he waited at the front of the chapel. He wasn't nervous the first time they were married. He was so confident, almost smug, that everything was going to work out fine.

_But he was thankful that he had been humbled._

Carly entered the chapel through the side door, dressed in a simple yellow flowing dress. She walked confidently past Johnny, only allowing him a small glance. As soon as Carly found her place on the other side of the altar, the chapel doors opened and they all turned around to look. Lulu was standing in the doorway with her hair pulled back into a loose bun and wearing a simple strapless wedding dress that showed off the gentle curve of her pregnant stomach. The light behind her created an ethereal glow around her face and as her eyes fell to him, her mouth spread into a gleaming smile. She was the most beautiful woman that he had ever known.

_And she was his. _

He had to stop himself from breaking out into a sprint towards her because all he wanted to do was to pick her up and carry her off into their future. In her hand were crisp white lilies, tied together with a thin blue ribbon. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Carly beaming at her cousin, clearly happy with her handiwork. When Lulu finally reached the altar, Johnny extended his hand to her. She smiled and took it. Carly took her bouquet for her and stood by Lulu's side as she gripped both of Johnny's hands.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the presence of God and this company to join this man and this woman in the holy bonds of matrimony…" the priest started.

Lulu exhaled nervously but smiled. He couldn't believe that this day was finally happening. For so long, he had thought that he would never be standing before her, marrying her again, being a parent with her again, getting a second chance at their happily ever after. When it was time for their vows, Johnny took the ring box out of his pocket. He took out the wedding bands and handed his to Lulu.

"Do you Lesley Lu Spencer, take this man, John Anthony Zacchara, to be your true and wedded husband? Do you solemnly promise before God and these witnesses to love, cherish, honor and protect him, to forsake all others for his sake… to cleave unto him, and him only, until death shall part you?" the priest asked.

"I do… with all of my heart and soul…" she breathed, tears glimmering in her eyes, as she slid the wedding band onto Johnny's finger.

"And do you John Anthony Zacchara, take this woman, Lesley Lu Spencer, to be your true and wedded wife? Do you solemnly promise before God and these witnesses to love, cherish, honor and protect her, to forsake all others for her sake… to cleave unto her, and her only, until death shall part you?" the priest asked, turning towards Johnny.

"I do…" he whispered, putting Lulu's wedding ring onto her finger where it would stay for presumably the rest of her life.

"Well then, by the power vested in me by god and the state of New York… I now pronounce you husband and wife…" the priest said, happily. He could hear Carly squeal and break into an uproarious applause beside Lulu and they all laughed.

"John… you may do the honors…" the priest said.

He immediately cupped her face in his hands. Her slim fingers wrapped around his wrists as he held her face in his hands. He had been so close to losing her but now she was his and he was hers in every way possible. He pressed his forehead to hers and he felt her stomach press against him as he pulled her in close.

"I love you, Johnny…" she whispered.

"I love you too, Lulu…" he said.

He bent over and kissed her sweetly on the lips and he could feel her tears on his cheek as she kissed him. After four years, filled with pain and longing, they had finally found their way back to each other. Carly continued to clap and cheer beside the two of them . She threw her arms around Lulu when Johnny filly decided to let go.

"I'm so happy for you, Lulu!" Carly cried.

"I've never been this happy, Carly…" Lulu gushed.

"And I intend to keep it that way…" Johnny said, smiling.

"You better…" Carly warned, pointing a finger at him.

"Don't worry… I'm never letting her get away from me again…" he said before sneaking a kiss behind Lulu's ear and she giggled softly.

"Alright… I guess I should let you two get going then… you don't want to miss your plane…" Carly said, picking up her purse, and Lulu turned around to face him, eyebrow raised.

"You've been quite busy, haven't you? Planning a secret honeymoon along with a secret wedding?" Lulu asked.

"Well, when I start something… I like to finish it…" he said.

"So, where are we going, husband-of-mine?" Lulu laughed.

"Well, I figured that since we got married on such short notice, it would only be fair to go celebrate with your family… in France… your dad is already there with your mother and Lucky and Nikolas and Claudia are flying in from Greece…" he said.

Lulu threw her arms around him, knowing how much it would mean to her to have her family join in on not just one happy occasion but two. They were all excited when Lulu had told them that she was going to have another baby and Johnny joked that their joy over the fact that Lulu was so happy again outweighed their wariness of her reconciliation with him. Also, Lulu had been the one who wanted him to reconnect with his sister, especially after the accident. If he had learned anything from this entire experience, it was that life was too short to hold onto the little things.

"Is this really happening? Are we really back together and having a baby? It just seems too good to be true, Johnny…" she whispered.

"I know… but it's real… and this time, it's going to last… you, me, and this baby are going to be together forever… I promise you that…" he said.

"Ok, enough with the mushy talk or you really will miss your flight!" Carly said, ushering them out of the chapel.

Lulu insisted that she change before they left to go to the airport. She emerged about ten minutes later, wearing a short flowing light green dress that Carly must've bought her. She skipped down the steps and did a short twirl before wrapping her arms around him.

"Have a great time in Europe!" Carly said before climbing into her own car and heading back to Port Charles.

They both waved to her as they watched her drive off. Once the green Volvo was out of sight, Johnny turned to Lulu and put his arms around her. Her body was so warm and delicate against him. His hand went to her stomach as she snuggled against him. For so long, he had dwelled in the past. It was a way that he could hold onto her because letting her go would be the most excruciating pain. And a part of him knew that he could never let her go because she was a part of him. He looked out at the setting sun over the hill and Lulu put her hand on his chest. He could feel her heartbeat against him and he smiled, wondering how he could've ever doubted something as simple and true as this. She belonged to him like he belonged to her. Without each other, they were incomplete.

"Ready to go?" he asked.

"Always…" she said.

He would give her and their child the world because that's what they both deserved. They deserved to be happy and so did he. He kissed her forehead and he opened the car door for her. She smiled serenely and slid into the car. She took his hand in hers as he climbed into the car alongside her. She squeezed his hand gently as he turned on the car. He wasn't going to live in the past anymore, not when he had his future sitting beside him. He wouldn't let his memories haunt him anymore.

From now on, it would be nothing but new memories.

**THE END**


End file.
